A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years and have a step daughter and we have had a child who is now 17 months old. My wife has recently told me that she wants to leave me to have some time on her own. She will not say that she wants a divorce but she won't commit to being with me. We have been in separate bedrooms for the last 2 weeks and she will not have any physical contact with me at all. Cuddles, kisses, hold hands etc. We have been under a lot of pressure over the last 6 months and I feel she is blaming it on me. The pressure has been financial and connected to several failed house sales. I am so family orientated I have failed to be attentive to her needs by being more outgoingly social. Pubs and Clubs etc. I don't know what to do? I can't walk out because I can't turn my back on the family I love them all so much. She won't even go to counselling. Can anyone please help!!!!
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Hey. First let's look at the possible reasons in over-simplified form. There's a lot going on here. No surprise you're confused.
1) She wants out. 2) She's genuinely confused 3) She wants your attention.
1) She wants out. This could be first steps towards break-up. A gentle way of telling you, rather than a sudden shock. Or she might actually have somebody. Or she might be confident of getting somebody soon. You should watch for signs. Does she leave her mobile phone ON at home, not on silent? Is she becoming more secretive.?
2) She's genuinely confused. She wants time to sort her feelings out. She's aware something's not right. Strange that she's not willing to go for counselling, but could be having 1-to-1 counselling to help sort out feelings. If she's not, her unwillingness to go to counselling is a bad sign.
3)She is punishing you first, as a way of getting attention from you. Cutting off contact/sex might be a test on you. Be careful what you do here (we really need a female perpective on this one). Go for contact with sex, and you might find it's turned back on you.....you only wanted the sex. Seems you ought to be doing the flowers/attention/dinner thing that MissMel suggests. Lots of physical contact - no sex. Maybe she wants woo-ing. The only thing that bothers me here is the refusal to go to counselling. If she was seeking attention from you, I think she would want it brought out through counselling.
Sorry, but I am being drawn back to number 1, but it's the refusal to go counselling that's doing it. Does she have lack of confidence in couples-counselling?? That might explain it. I think you need to put her 'under observation' over coming weeks. How does she dress for work? Phone activity. Email activity. How often she is going out. Miles on her car, Do some silent checks on her. etc etc etc But don't give her cause to be angry with you. Also think back to any unusual occurrences.
Finally, from what you have said blaming you doesn't seem to make sense. So that is strange. Also don't move out, or say you will walk out whatever you do. I always say that if one partner wants "out" of the relationship, let them show their conviction by walking out themselves, not force it on someone else.
To summarise: watch what's happening. Keep offering counselling, and ask why not when she declines. Keep posting updates.
Richard
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (14 December 2007):
 Been here.
In my marriage I got so low, so depressed and down with the way things were I just retreated. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed, and the thought of him touching me was just repulsive. I felt completely violated, used and misunderstood.
Theres a few things at play here, shes just had a baby which means shes is an emotional hotwire, theres financial pressures, you are going out alot which means she's probably feeling completely neglected and rightfully so. Finally this is her second marriage I take it. The patience a woman has in her second marriage is far less in her first. When she starts to feel those same feelings as she did first time round she will emotionally retreat to protect herself very quickly, because this time round she knows where they head.
Look, I would almost 100% predict that you've made a few big blunders here. She has just spent over 2 years making, birthing and nurturing a new life. She would be feeling exhausted, unappreciated, neglected, unattractive. Her emotions would be all over the place, and to make matters worse, this whole bullshit about you being family/orientated then hanging out at clubs and pubs.
You have a very small window of opportunity to repair this damage to your family and relationship. But, you will have to do alot of work.
Flowers, attentiveness at home, help with the cleaning, tend to the children, share with the cooking. For gods sake, cook her a nice meal ....set the table with candles, hold the chair for her to sit down. Hang the washing out. Do this even though she hasn't asked and don't expect to be thanked for it because I will guarantee she won't, not to start with.
Men do this all the time, they want to get back the pysical connection with their women but forget its about being present in the home and family that will do it.
And above all else...do NOT I repeat do NOT go out to the pub again unless you have organised a baby sitter so you can take her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I think your wife wants to be happy but she's been unhappy for quite a while. Did she complain before she decided to move to a different bedroom? She could be doing this as a protest to get your attention. If she stopped having sex with you, it does not mean she does not want it but she wants it the way she wants it. Find out how.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (13 December 2007):
Hi - Two points 1) Do you feel you are responsible for the financial problem . Could you say? Or do you feel she is being unreasonable? 2)I don't understand the bit about you being family orientated. Pubs and clubs etc. Could you clarify please?
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 I can't say I really blame her. She's at home with a 17 month old baby and her daughter while you are out at the Pub's and Club's trying to drink your troubles away and enjoying yourself. Just because things aren't going well with work and finances are tight doesn't give you a free pass to go out drinking and spending time away from your family. It's harder then you can imagine taking care of an infant. I'm sure she appreciates the fact that you work, but when you have a family, your job doesn't end when the clock stikes 5pm (or whatever time you get off work). As a family man it is your obligation to share responsibiliy of the household and help your wife through this very delicate time in life. If the poor woman is not suffering from post pardom depression, she's probably suffering from lonliness. Women need their spouse's to be by their sides, to help them, especially when there is an infant involved. It's not fair that you have elected to have a family but you don't uphold your end of the promise that you made to eachother when you decided to marry her. Don't get me wrong. Of course you need to work and support your family monetarily, but it can't stop there, you should be there to support them emotionally as well. Does it seem like too much WORK? No offense, but you should have thought about that before you decided to have a family. If you want to mend your relationship with your wife, I would suggets spending more time at home and less time at the Pubs and Clubs and focus your attention on those who need you the most. Is that Pub or Club going to be there for you in the end? Do the Pub's and Club's love you, comfort you, care for you, breathe for you, talk to you? I think not. You're tampering with human life and if you want to be a part of your daughters life, I would suggest YOU get the help YOU need, apologize to your wife, and hold your baby girl in your arms every day when you get home from work. Sorry to sound harsh, but some people need to hear it that way to get the message. Tough love darlin'. Good luck.
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