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male
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anonymous
writes: Can anyone help me?I have been seeing my g/f on and off 4 3 and half years. I love her more than anything, but my relationship is causing so much tension. We have a very passionate relationship, and in the past, my g/f has thrown me out of the house (its her house) after we've rowed, usually because I have lost my job. I admit she has made fun of me in the past, and laughed at my expense but i can put all that behind me. We have the same GSOH, and can both be nasty, but i think we can make it. I've tried dating other women, but always go back 2 my x, usually when she tells me she's seeing some1 else. I can't bear it. I know she isn't seeing any1 else, she only says it to get me back, but that proves how much she loves me. Last yr, i took an overdose in front of her, cos she was threatening 2 leave me again, my family said she didn't care bout me, but she was 1 who called an ambulance, b4 going 2 work. I was ok anyway. My family cant stand her, they dont understand how much i love her. Last time we split, I swore i would never go back. I got involved wiv someone, my family liked her, i started paying off my debts, and getting sorted, but my x was texting me, calling me. my new g/f got upset so i changed my phone no, but i caved in & gave my x my new no, and emailed her. I cant seem 2 help myself. I saw my x a few times, eventually went back 4 good, my g/f found out i'd gone back after i left. Now i'm back wiv my x, I've cut off my family, they never wanted me around anyway, and all my old ties, they've only called me 2 ask bout money i owe them,(i owe loads of people money, banks, credit cards,x g/f etc). I've asked my x, now my live in partner 2 marry me. she's accepted. I'm 23, she's 43. Please give your opinion on this. I wanna know how to guarantee it works this time. thanks
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reader, becky05 +, writes (26 July 2005):
It sounds like you have a very unhealthy relationship with your ex.
I dont think it would be good for either you or her to continue in this relationship.
A
female
reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (25 July 2005):
You seem to really love this woman, but are you sure, she loves you just as much? It isn't fair to you to be married to someone who does not give you as much love as you give them. I am sorry if this comes across harshly, but from what you wrote in your letter, I don't think this woman loves you. She may care for you, but she isn't in love with you. She seems to just not want you to be with anyone else. That isn't love. When you left her, you seemed to be getting your life together. Another thing, your family may not approve of the right woman for you, but if she is the right one for you, your family will accept her because they will see that she brings out the best in you. From what you wrote, this woman is not bringing out the best in you. She has come between you and your family. That shouldn't be. At the end of the day, if things don't work out this time, your family members are the only ones who will be truly there for you. My advice, don't rush into marriage until you are certain that this woman will love you the way you deserve to be loved and until your relationship can go steady for at least 6 months without you being thrown out, or without you moving out. See if you can stick it out for that long (without breaking up) then maybe your marriage will last.
In any case, I wish you all the best!
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female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (22 July 2005):
I believe the reason that you keep returning to your ex is because, for whatever reason, she has power and control over you. It may be that have low self esteem, and do not believe that you deserve a loving relationship. This woman manipulates you, but unfortunately for as long as this continues your life will be stuck in limbo.
Why would you want to commit to, and have a future with a person who makes you treat your loved ones so badly? I think that your family have your best interests at heart, and that your girlfriend is the one with the problem. The manner in which you finished with your other girlfriend was completely unforgivable, and just proves how emotionally immature you are. Why would you want to make enemies of everyone around you for the perceived "love" of this woman? Look at the facts- she has driven you to the brink of suicide. That isn't love. How can you even consider marriage?
I agree with communicatrix, I think that you have a lot of unresloved issues within your own life that you need to address. Have you considered counselling?
There is a myth that any relationship is better than no relationship at all, but I truly believe that your situation is only damaging yourself further. You cannot keep running away from ex girlfriends, debts, family, as they will catch up with you soon, and your situation will only worsen.
Have the courage to stand up and face this problem. I understand that I may sound harsh, but I honestly believe you are storing up further trouble for yourself by committing to this woman.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (22 July 2005):
 Wow. If you ask me, "passionate" doesn't begin to describe the relationship you've laid out here. I think "combustive" might get a little closer to the truth.
Okay.
First off, there are no guarantees in life—period. There are things you can do to improve your odds, but I'm not sure you've done any of those things so far. For instance, cutting off your disapproving family may seem to be a logical choice to remove outside stresses, but from the very volatile relationship you've described, I think all it's going to do is forestall doom by a few weeks, days or minutes.
But if you want to keep this going, you've got a lot of work ahead of you. Some part of you already knows this is probably not a good idea, since your last move before reconnecting and asking for her hand was to move out and swear you'd never return. I think the key here is the notion you've put forth that you can't seem to help yourself. Marriages don't work—at least, not well—between people who are helpless. It takes two really strong, really disciplined, really complete people to make a go of something as complex and demanding as marriage.
I think you need to hunker down and figure out who you really are and what you really want out of life BESIDES this woman—to get "sorted", as you put it—before you do anything else. Get a job and keep it—not for her, but for you. Pay off your debts (and yes, that means getting in touch with your family and eating some crow). And finally, you need to dig through the vast emotional wreckage you've created and examine why you've kept returning to this highly dysfunctional relationship before you cement it for all time.
My advice would be to take a break from each other while you do this. Agree to date other people or not during the break, but it's really hard to "get sorted" when you've got such a major distraction. You're very young, especially relative to your partner, and I'm concerned that you're not making this choice out of sane, reasoned thinking. Not that I'm against passion (and a GSOH, and hot monkey love) but marriage is about more than passion.
And please, please, please—no children until you two have both got things sorted out. Even if you choose to go on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride the rest of your life, it's not fair to bring children into that.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Sounds to me like you have a major relationship problem! Some couples in my opinion thrive off of this type of lifestyle and each other. How many times are you going to play Yo-Yo with this gal? You took an overdose in front of her? You are lucky something worse didn't come out of that!! Nobody is worth threatning your own life over!!! Sounds to me like you really need to get some councilling for yourself! You have alot of finacial problems and have lost family and friends over this twisted relationship. Not worth it in my opinion.In a good relationship you are both suppossed to build each other up and not break each other down. It sounds like alot of head games between the both of you.I think the only way you are going to make it together with her is if you "Both" seek out some kind of councilling! If she doesn't agree to that with you then you need to do some serious soul searching for yourself and get your esteem back up..as she has broken you down for sometime I suspect.I honestly don't think marrying her is going to change things either. It seems to me when you did stay strong for a little while and got a new girlfriend things were starting to look up for you! Thats a big sign in my opionion! You really should of never gone back, but you say you Love this woman and like I said before I think the only thing that might save this is if you both to get councilling!
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female
reader, MyBeautifulRuin +, writes (22 July 2005):
well, first i just wanna say that it does sound like she doesnt love you and is using you but if she makes you happy and you sound like you want to be with her more than anything, then you're gunna have to lay down some rules. if she get's rid of you again.DON'T GO BACK. no matter what. think back to when you were with that other girl. you were getting back on track and even paying off some debts. you seemed happier then, so is staying with you're x really the best thing?? i know no-one can make you stay away from her, but it's not healthy staying with your x as you are.
you need to think up all the bad/wrong/unhappy things about her, and soon you'll realsie that you dont NEED to be with her, you dont need to keep running back to her.
you'll do great with someone else.
i hope i've helped a little. sorry if i haven't.
xxx
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