A
male
age
41-50,
*orne
writes:This isn't a difficult story but it does take some explaining. I met a woman a little over a year ago. This was online, not in real life. We talked for about 6 weeks and decided to meet. Things went very well. From the start they did. We had much in common, were able to talk on many levels so meeting seemed a good thing and it was. A few months passed, about 5 of them and we started getting fairly serious. We'd been dating for almost 4 months and things were great. She moved in with me 3 months ago. This is 10 months after we met in real life, 13 months after we met online. Our relationship is good, and growing more and more serious. We've been talking about marriage some time late this year, maybe in the fall.Sounds good, right? It is.. now come the exceptions. There was always the hint of things unknown. Things she'd say, how she said them. We all have history and there's always things unknown no matter how much time you spend talking about it, but these hints seemed to go beyond the normal kind of history one might have.Before she moved in with me, she sat and and told me some of it. She told me she was a convicted felon, that she'd spent time in prison, and that she had been a drug addict in her late teens/very early 20's. This was 10 years ago. I looked at the woman I knew, and saw someone who had been through it, made those changes for herself to get her life back in order. It didn't change how I felt about her.This weekend, she was in another one of those deep, introspective moments that I'd seen often before she moved in. So I asked her, what's wrong. She turned to me and said, I have something else to tell you. I said ok. She said during the time when I was so wild, I was also a prostitute. I can handle it, deal with it. As I said, the woman I know is someone that has been nothing but good, loving, gentle. At the same time, is it really wrong of me to want to sit her down and ask her, what else is there? Being able to handle it doesn't change the fact that these kinds of things affect me. They do. It takes time to wrap my mind around each of the things she's told me. It takes time to merge the thoughts of what led someone like this into the things she has told me. I'm a fairly accepting guy. My own past has it's moments. I'm not judgmental of others, even though I do judge some. I think we all do. It's whether you condemn for that judgement or not that makes the difference to me. Right now though, the question in my mind is what else is on this road. Do I ask? Do I just sit her down and say, spill it. Do it all. Or do I let whatever comes, come in it's own time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2009): Hi Horne,
Very happy for both of you.
I am sure that she is giving you something that many people will never experience.
Also I am very happy for your spouse, she is very lucky to be with a great guy like you.
Wish you a fantastic furture together.
A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (14 January 2009):
Horne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, I listened. I sat down and talked to her. Basically what I said was she could talk about anything, any time she wanted to, but if there were any more secrets, now was the time to tell them cause unless she was an axe-murderess, dog or child abuser, there wasn't much she could tell me that would cause me to throw up my arms and give up. We had a good conversation. She assured me that was the last of her secrets.
Good nuff. I know enough about people and life to know those types of things come back in thoughts at times. And they will. Its the way the mind works. Things are filed away, compartmentalized at times until something comes along that may be innocuous enough but holds some key or link to that compartment time buried. The good thing is that she knows enough to know none of that is going to disrupt what we have. She's a good woman. Back when we were working on her self esteem issues, we created two rules. Rule one is She always matters. Rule two is, she's f'ing worth it.
They're still good rules and they're still true.
Thanks everyone.
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A
male
reader, Horne +, writes (14 January 2009):
Horne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've already made the decision to stay with her. About the only way this girl can get rid of me is tell me she doesn't want this relationship. Otherwise I'm sticking with her through thick and thin.
It just.. affects me for a while you know. Not a long while, but a while. That night we went to bed. She wanted sex. It just wasn't in me. The next day yeah, it was. But not that night. Those things paint a picture of their own to another person. It's almost a kind of rejection. She's been on eggshells ever since almost like she's waiting for the bomb to drop. Well, I got no bomb really to drop. That girl isn't this woman. She is also studiously honest. I swear, I think she'd rather cut off her fingers than tell me a lie.
I posted this question because I almost just want to say, get it out. I told you I loved you. The past doesn't change that. Yeah it may cause me to think and ponder some but you know, that's kinda normal given the things to think and ponder. At least, I'd think so. And honestly, I think that's what I'm going to do. I can deal with the truth a lot easier than I can watching her step around so gingerly.
Thanks for the replies. They were all well thought out and caring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): Horne, If I was in your position, I would tell her that you were suprised to learn time by time about her past and that you are happy that she trust you so much that she has faith to start to tell about her relative heavy past.Tell that she will understand in the meantime that you really love her and that you can accept her past, but that all the time you are expecting something new. You are not afraiding for truth, but you should know everything about her, also to understand and to support her.You could ask here what were the moments in her life that changed her life completely, or at which moment she decided to act like this or that in the past or at which moment she didn't trust anybody anymore. Personally I would also ask her about possible abuse in her childhood or later, if she has been pregnant or if she maybe might have killed somebody (this could make her tell other less heavy situations).Your spouse starts to be honest with you about her past. Don't forget that people who were in situations as you described had to play games and tell lies to survive. I am not suggesting that she is (still) doing this but you should be aware of it. If you consider little lie's now and then, be aware for bigger. If you see a stable woman, you can have faith in the future.As you approach, you can have a very special close and deep relationship together, that is obvious to me.For her, it will be very important that she can feel safe with you from every point of view and that she feels your protection.Follow your feelings, trust your intuition. Wish you all the best together
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A
male
reader, seekinghelp +, writes (13 January 2009):
I feel for you, I really do. No one wants to imagine their lover in those terms, its not always a pleasant thought. However, we only have one life to live and if we waste it worrying about the past, we will never get to enjoy the future. What is more important, that your girlfriend has made some bad decisions in her life? Or that she has turned her life around, and is now a person whom you can respect and love?You have to separate her from her past, because if she is not like that anymore, and is truly a changed person, who she is now is not the same person as who she was then. They are in fact, two different people - mentally speaking that is. People change, they can do a complete 180 and never look back. But, its also worth mentioning that they can do a 360 too.You know everything you need to know. Make sure she is clean, and make sure she is STD free. If she is, and everything is in the clear. Work with her. Let her know that you dont agree with her past, but let her know that you are leaving it where it is - in the past. She might feel the need to tell you, she might fear that you two get married, have children, grow old together, and one day her past would come to light and you would leave her.There are many men who would leave her because of her past. I for one, would have been that man a year ago would I not have went through something similar, but perhaps to a lesser degree. Someone once said that it takes 7 years for all the cells in a human body shed and regrow. If thats true, then your gf seriously is a completely new person, and the only remains of her past are the mental reminders that she still carries.You should make your decision now, stay, or go. If you stay, you cant bring this up with her, you can use it against her, you cant keep it bottled up, you absolutely must make amends with her past and move on from it. You cant focus on it, you cant let it bother you, you cant try to reason it or understand it because you will never ever get those answers. You will never know where she came from and never see the world as she did when she was going through all of that. The only thing it will do is bring you much heart ache.People are people, we are not perfect and we do not always make the best decisions. Being addicted to drugs and having casual sex is not so bad in itself. They are not great choices I think we could most all agree, but to what extent should they affect someones life? If she had been killing small animals or something then you really might need to watch out, but from what you have written it does not seem like she should just be thrown out.When I was younger I was in and out of jail, mostly for drugs and alcohol. While I never committed any serious crimes, such as burglary or something, my past incidents have come back to haunt me. Im not that guy anymore, my excessive drinking and the occasional drugs have stopped, long ago, and the fact that to this day they can still pop their ugly little heads into my life is pretty miserable. Society tries to tell me who I am, but I know who I am and it is not that person. I was a by product of teenage adolescence, nothing more. I guess what I am trying to say is, take a deep hard look at your gf and see her for who she truly is. If she is the person you feel in love with, dont get lost in her past. Remember, its all just a memory now. The only thing that really exists is the moments you two spend together now and in the future.Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (13 January 2009):
I think you have a need to know, and have a right to know. Not that everyone has to reveal every single skeleton in their closet to their partner. But these are major, major experiences she's had, and make up to some extent who she is today. It sounds as though she has changed herself from that life into someone who lives their life the right way today. People can change and do change past negative behaviors. She was motivated to do so and did so. She is probably a much stronger person for that, which is a great thing. She learned valuable life lessons along the way, which can only enhance the relationship the two of you have.
If she's truly moved on from these negative and traumatic experiences, then all the better. What you need to be assured of is that she is not still harboring any ill effects from these experiences. Only time will tell that. If she is - not saying she is - but if she is, you will start to see them manifest themselves in disturbing behaviors (i.e., catching her in a lie is but one; being secretive, deceptive, closed emotionally, inappropriate sexual behavior, etc.). Guilty and shameful feelings over something from one's past can cause all kinds of repercussions.
I have been with my fiance for over 2 years, we now live together (almost a year now), and I am still finding out new behaviors on his part that disturb me. These negative behaviors only started coming out in our second year together (the newest being that I am aware that at least recently he has been shoplifting; maybe he always has and I was just not aware of it). I believe they all stem from repressed guilty and shameful feelings over sexual abuse which occurred 40 years ago.
I think what's important to note here is that she has already told you about much of her past. She feels safe on some level doing so, though I'm sure it was not easy for her. But she trusted you enough to share things that may have caused you to run for the hills, and you didn't. You didn't judge her for what she told you. You realized that's who she used to be in a past life before you, but that is not who she is today. And I think she feels it's necessary for her to be honest with you, as difficult as that may be at times. I can't tell you how important that is in a relationship. Well, I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already think or know yourself.
I think if you don't have a heart-to-heart conversation with her now, it will always be in the back of your mind. You will always be wondering, "what else should I know about you that I don't yet know?".
I think you should sit her down, starting with the positive aspects of her already being so truthful and honest with you, and how wonderful that is that she can be so with you. Let her know she's on the right track and that you want her to continue to be like that, to always be like that. Tell her you have the sense that there may still be other things she hasn't yet shared with you, but that you want her to feel comfortable enough to do so, and that you want to know. Remind her that you have not judged her up to this point (remarkable - I commend you). Tell her what you've told us - that it takes time to process these things. If you feel as though you need to know all the rest now, then encourage her to tell you about them, freely. Myself, I wouldn't want to wait and let whatever comes, come in its own time. Especially if you are contemplating marriage. I think these things should be revealed before then. I can't imagine she'd tell you anything much worse than she already has! I suppose there are worse things she could tell you, but hey, think about it, there's not much worse! What she's already told you, you've accepted, you've not judged, and you're still together. Understandably, she is still afraid to some degree, since she is spilling these things in small doses. But she's made tremendous strides in telling you what she has already, and she deserves much credit for that.
On the flip side, if she does tell you something you just cannot accept, then you have that right to know, for it will impact your decision concerning marriage with her.
All in all, it is better to know as much as you can about someone, even the less desirable parts, before you enter into marriage with them.
Good luck to you both, and let us know how you make out with your situation.
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