A
female
age
30-35,
*ellowFeeler
writes:Okay so, I met this girl online a few months ago (just to make it clear, I am a bisexual girl myself), we started emailing each other, we would write really long ones every day and talk about everything and anything. We sort of just connected. After a few weeks we exchanged phone numbers and she suggested we'd meet, so a few days later I found myself getting on a bus to the city where she lives (about two hours from where I live). I was nervous at first but we got along really well and after about half an hour or so she kissed me and from that moment it's like we never stopped all that time I was there. So basically everything went unusually perfect, she's everything I expected and much more, we started seeing each other in the weekends. Now to the actual problem... Being the (overly?)sensitive girl that I am I noticed something was out of order, even though we were speaking on the phone while we were away from each other I could sense that something wasn't quite alright, so I asked her about it and she told me that she thought things were going too fast and she was afraid of getting too close and getting hurt. I was confused when she told me this since she was the one making all the moves right from the start (I am a bit reserved, maybe even shy when it comes to such things), but I did respect that and I told her I'd back off, she said she didn't want me to, but she just wanted to "take it easy" so we agreed but ever since... I've just had this recurring self-doubt that keeps haunting me, I mean she's got a great sense of humour, she's intelligent, she's beautiful, she so talented and good at so many things, she plays contra-bass and piano wonderfullyen of not being good enough for her. I've been used and she cries when she listens to classical music, and she does plays, and she's like this super-judo-master, she likes nature and animals, she's got great taste in movies and music, and she snowboards... And I mean... I ski, I'm this reserved city-girl who goes to art exhibitions and hangs out at cafe's, I do photography and write poetry, I do programming and graphic design, I read comic books and know more about superheroes than probably anything else... I feel like I'm just this... geek, and I'm not used to feeling so insecure about myself, I mean I am aware of who I am and I don't mind it I'm just afraid all of a suddmany times before because I let myself be used and I'm afraid that maybe she doesn't feel half for me of what I've somehow allowed myself to feel for her, and that maybe all I am to her is another warm body so she won't feel lonely. But then again she talks about all these people she knows, how talented and/or good-looking and/or smart they are and I can't help but to wonder "what is she doing with me?" all these people seem so much better, and they even live in the same city as she does, even go to the same school... She could have anyone and yet she's with me, she even told me there's no one in the world she'd rather be with, but do I dare to believe her? I do trust her, but what if she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Why do I feel so insecure? Why is she so much better? Why would she want to be with me...
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female
reader, MellowFeeler +, writes (14 May 2007):
MellowFeeler is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate both of your answers, I found them to be really helpful, thank you. And I do realize how silly I must sound, espcially with that headline... I guess that she's not necessarily better than I am, we're just different from each other I guess, which is kind of what worries me. But you guys are right, what you do is not what you are... I've always had a hard time accepting that, I should learn sometime soon...
A
female
reader, NJmomabear  +, writes (14 May 2007):
 Its so funny how people define themselves and other people...It really doesn't matter what either of you do. Its all just a peacock display anyway, not the real person. It's what they want everyone to see. What is important is having compatible interests and values. Love is just love. Its not a contest who is the most brilliant which is so the typical status seeking shallow-mindedness of most young people. When you love someone you just do. If your insecure then maybe have her come to you since you live far away. If you are both invested equally in keeping the relationship going, your insecurities may quiet. But nobody is 'better' then anybody. Those who believe otherwise one day are in for a rude awakening. We're all flawed humans who need mutual love, acceptance and admiration.
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A
female
reader, dragonette +, writes (14 May 2007):
 I think that skiing, poetry-writing and photography take a lot of talents also. And reading comics just means that you really appreciate sequential art. Comics are so underrated by art connoisseurs... And programming is no small thing either.
So if she's hanging around with someone who lives far away instead of the "brilliant" people in her immediate environment, it just means that she sees something in you that they don't have. Don't think you're uninteresting. You are not!
If you really feel she's only dating you to spare your feelings, bring it up ONCE and tell her that you would like to make sure that she's not being with you only in order not to hurt you. If she says she's with you freely then leave the issue alone and never mention it again.
If she told you that there's nobody else she would rather be with and you doubt her, she might get a bit insulted by it.
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