A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Friends for two years with my now long distance girlfriend, we have been in a relationship for about five months with a view to have our first meeting in person this year (she's in Thailand, I'm in the UK). The problem is, she's not the romantic type and doesn't show her affections very often. I do love her and all and I'm not the needy type so I don't want to ask her to try and be more hearty with me and I don't want her to have that impression of me either, I just think a little more warmth towards me wouldn't do any harm to the relationship. I am the romantic type and I'm not afraid to display it for everyone to see just how much I love her and she means to me, but i rarely see the same in return from her. I don't want to make a big deal out of this and I certainly wouldn't want to break up with her over it, but it makes me feel like she's not as serious for me as she tells me she is.Any thoughts?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 The dating scene may have changed a lot in the past 40 years, but human nature has not in centuries, or millennia, it is always very prone to limerance , infatuation and Spanish castles. Or, projection if you wish. We find someone , whom we don't know diddly squat about except what they want to show us of themselves, and based on that little knowledge/ frequentation, we decide they incarnate our ideal and we project on them our wishes , aspirations and fantasies, at times bending and adjusting and stretching the facts like an ill fitting dress to make it fit no matter what .
40 ( make it 80 ) years ago a guy would pass under a girl's window or balcony, catch a glimpse of her , and decide she was the one. Internet relationships, without the possibility or intention to meet IRL reasonably often and for a meaningful period of time, are the modern equivalent .
You have to keep your mind open, but not so open that your brain falls off it :). LDRs, with their possible cultural religious differences too, MAY work if there's a precise plan, if you keep it real in other worlds. Pardon me, but what does it mean " eventually I'll move there or she'll move here ? " Eventually when , exactly ? She would move to UK how, on which visa ?... Could she get one, on her own ? She could get one if you marry her , ok, but would you marry someone whom you have never spent relevant time with, just on the base of written words ?
Ditto for you, you'd go to live in Thailand, doing what ? How would you support yourself ? How do you even know that you could adjust living there ? It's a totally , totally different world from UK, even as just a tourist, imagine as an expat. Not saying that you could not be happy with her or not happy in Thailand, just that you do not know, and your guesses about the viability of this match... are atm as good as those of us perfect strangers, because they aren't based on factual knowledge or experience , but just on emotions and vague impressions.
Just to name one thing, the problem is not that Thailand is not Westernized enough or accepting of foreigners, I was there the first time about 25 years ago and it was already even too Westernized and accepting. In the sense that they had this big myth about Europe ( and USA even more ) as a fun happy Eldorado where life is easy for everybody and everybody's got money, and every Thai ,male or female, would have given an eye to marry a stranger. Now, before you get upset, I am NOT hinting that your gf is not a serious person or is a golddigger or after a visa. Love does exist , and I am ready to believe that she fell in love with you. But you have to consider that being an " exotic " UK guy may be big part of your glamour and pizzazz and the reason why she has preferred you to a local , you will have to see , in time and IRL, which may prove too be expensive and complicated, if you are really compatible in personality, if she still loves YOU as a person, beside and beyond the plus and the cool of being a
stranger.
After having rained on your parade , the good news now. I think you haven't " studied " enough about Thai culture, otherwise you'd have realized that their communication patterns , verbal and non verbal language , are a bit different than ours. I am taking classes with several Thai girls, and I've met many others in the past , including my trips to Thailand, and you can see they are very nice, smiling, personable- and yet rather reserved, not very effusive at all , as compared to Europeans , very measured in their gesture and words. ( Well, with the excepton of course of PatPong bargirls and massage parlour workers etc.,LOL, who are VERY outgoing and all out, but I hope for you that your girl is in another line of business ). That's the way she was raised, to not express feelings too overtly, she won't change overnight. That too, see ?, is something that you could tell her much better in person than in written, in person it could come up in conversation naturally , and you would encourage her to open up in a kind, loving way,- if you tell her by text or email or FB, chances are it will sound like you are complaining or finding faults or criticizing... Ah the joys of intercontinental relationships !:)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Hi, I'm the OP.
Well actually I've decided to take my own advice on this matter and its the advice I'd give to anyone in my situation, either put up and shut up, or get out and find someone who is more suited to me. I can't expect her to change who she is and it would be a waste of time for me to try again with her because I know I can't be happy being the only one willing to show my affections in the relationship. I feel like I was putting in all the effort as far as that was concerned and she was just happy to absorb all my heartly words while all I got in return from her was "Don't think too much and doubt my love for you. Just because I don't like to show it, doesn't mean its not there"
To one of the advisors who said 2 years is heck of a long time to know each other and not meet up, the 2 years we known each other prior to getting together we was only friends and didn't have plans or even expectations of things getting personal as they did, so meeting was never thought of, we was only casual long distance facebook friends.
Anyway, what's done is done now. I need to find a woman who can be more enthusiastic. A relationship without affection is nothing more than a platonic friendship in my view. I can't give her the benefit of the doubt anymore and put myself second just to make her feel wanted and loved and appreciated and getting nothing more than friendship vibes from her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 two years and you have NOT met and you are not getting your emotional needs met...
I don't have a problem with LDRs if you have met in person and have plans to end the gap.
The fact that you have not even met is not a good sign in terms of anything more than friends. It's been two years and you are not children.
Also I know you believe you love her but to be honest until you spend significant time together face to face you won't really know. You love the concept right now and you love the idea, and the current interaction with her but to be honest, face to face MAY NOT WORK...
If she is not openly affectionate with you verbally, and when you meet she's as reserved with her affections in real life, will you ever really truly be comfortable with your knowledge of how she feels?
Your NOT telling her what you need and want in the relationship out of FEAR of being too needy and demanding is not a good sign. In a relationship you can't be afraid to tell your partner what you need and want. How in the world do they know what you are unhappy about if you don't tell them?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 March 2013):
 Pen pals? No, of course not by snail mail - you can email, video visit, phone calls, etc.
I agree its important to keep an open mind, and you are certainly putting a great deal of effort into learning to speak the language and familiarize yourself with the way of life.
However, I still say that until you are in a position to be geographically a lot closer than you are now, and see and experience one another's lives and lifestyles on a more regular basis so that you both get to see the "real person" - good qualities, personality traits and see how you interact together - ESPECIALLY when you have differing points of view: for instance, are you both willing to listen to one another when there's a conflict, without yelling, blaming or accusing. Can you - can she - be willing to compromise, or will you or she dig your heels in and refuse to budge?
I don't mean to sound negative, but sooner or later problems will crop up and the success of any relationship will depend on how you both deal with them.
Dating is, you might say, trying out a potential relationship to see how compatible you are and whether two people can have a happy, fulfilling life together for a very long time. That's not to say dating shouldn't be enjoyable. Of course it should. It is to say one embarks on it with the determination to be realistic and clear-headed about what you're doing. Naturally, not everyone does: that's why break-ups are decided on by one person or the other, sooner or later, and divorce.
I stand by what I said earlier: it's only a potential relationship unless snd until you are both seeing each other IN PERSON over a number of months or so. You may think you know you this lady very well - and I'm not saying you don't know a fair bit about her now - what you have to keep in mind though is that without lots of face to face time (not over Skype or other video visits!) and had the chance to test your friendship, until then the danger is you may build up a fantasy idea of a person.
Real, lasting love takes time, and while it should be for the most part rewarding, mutually fulfilling and glad to see each other in spite of some disappointments and flaws, it might not progress beyond infatuation (infatuation is heady, anxious, eager and fun, but its not real love. The fire of infatuation can often burn to ashes unless you are realistic going in).
Anyway, it's good you recognize the importance of keeping an open mind and staying focussed. If you were to move to Thailand do you know what your job prospects might be and where you would live? Not really a good idea to think of moving in with her until you've had some experience to find your feet and see how the relationship goes for a while.
Finally, you're telling us how much you love her and wish she would show more warmth toward you. You may not want to make a big deal of it at present, but it evidently bothers you at least a little. Surely it would be wise to be a bit - shall I say skeptical(?) - of your feeling at this point. She may be on the shy or reticent side, and even if she likes you a lot, it's quite possible she is being cautious until she sees how things progress (we only know what you tell us; your friend hasn't asked our advice.)
I'm speaking as someone who was married a long time, now widowed, and who has had a fair amount of dating experience and relationships in the years since.
Good luck to you - hope it works out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): I don't mean to sound rude, but the dating scene is a lot different now than it was 40 years ago. A lot of traditions are out of the window, people fall in love everyday before they've even met in person, and long distance relationship (or partially blind dates as you might want to call them) actually can and do work believe it or not. Its about keeping an open mind and staying focused, putting in the effort and determination to get where you want to go in life. Thai culture is actually becoming more westernised than It has been in the past, and thai people are becoming more tolerant of foreign people and multicultural relationships. A lot more thai people are making it a priority to speak the english language, to make communication easier and more effective with other foreign people who speak english as a first language.I'm all about broadening my horizons so yes, eventually either I will move to thailand or she will move here with me. I'm not naïve about this whole thing, as I said, we knew each other as friends for 2 years prior to getting closer into a relationship, which has now reached its fifth successful month. I have also done my research and building my knowledge on thailand and thai culture etc, so I'm not blind going into this relationship. I'm too currently in the process of learning to read, write and speak thai also, and we think its time to take things to the next level.Pen pal by the way? Isn't that considered snail mail these days what with instant messenger, social networking, mobile phones and email etc... Lol.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 March 2013):
Yes. You have known her two years as a friend; she's your long distance girlfriend. Yet you have been in a relationship five months. Huh?? If this isn't confusing then I don't know what is!
Look here: you have never met in person. Even if you have communicated on Skype, that still is no substitute for being face to face. It is possible to get some idea of what a person is like via video chat but it's not at all like meeting on a regular basis going out for coffee, lunch, or spending time together either just the two of you or with other friends.
Until you do meet in person and spend substantial amounts to time doing things together, meeting one another's families, etc., it's a fantasy. Until you see another on their bad days for instance, you can't really get a good idea as to what sort of person you're dealing with. It's easy enough to be on your good behavior when on the internet, but it's not enough to form much of a relationship!
Your expectations and desire that she display more warmth and romantic feelings toward you - when you have not even met in real time are unrealistic and not reasonable. I'm frankly not surprised she is reticent!
Besides, living continents apart as you do, how on earth do you think a relationship based on dating and frequent get-togethers is even possible? (Hint: it isn't. Sorry).
Unless you plan to move to Thailand or she to England - and even if one of you does, there's still a lot of cultural differences to deal with - you'd do better to regard her as a pen pal.
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