A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have almost been together 3 years. We've had our ups and downs numerous times but we love each other very much. I will do anything to be with him for the rest of my life. But now, we have yet another problem that I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with..Since I've been in New York (for the last 5 months now attending school) he's been in L.A. somewhat struggling with work and money and what not. In December he had to move out of his apartment and had no where to go, so I told him he could stay in my room (since it's empty and I'm not currently there) and stay with my parents. So basically, he's been living in my room saving up money and working since December. That's almost 4 months now. I understand that it's not permanent and that he will leave at some point soon but I was assuming that he'd at least still be there once I got home in late April. That's still not entirely a big deal to me..the problem here is he's telling me now that his friend's boyfriend (aka fiance) is leaving on tour for the next month or so and would let him sleep in their living room and use his car while he's gone. This is good for my boyfriend cause he's in need of a car, would like a change of scenery and also wants to find a place really soon. This is extremely bothersome to me because I cannot for the life of me stand the friend he'd be staying with. She is associated with people I don't trust, I don't like her, trust her, never did....it would just make me so unbelievably uncomfortable if he stayed with her while her boyfriend was out of town. Sure, she's his friend, and yadda yadda, but the whole situation makes me so uncomfortable that I feel like I wouldn't even be able to talk to him while he's there. And I only have a month and a half left here in New York while I attend pastry school, why now?!? Why can't he just stay in my room until I get back and find a place from there, he's so close to finding his own apartment already, I wish he could just respect what I'm comfortable with and stay somewhere else or just stay where he already is. I'm going insane and can't handle this. We spoke for hours yesterday trying to reason something out but it sounds like he really wants to stay with his friend and use that car and what not but it makes me sick and I've told him numerous times that it makes me feel uncomfortable but we have two different opinions on the situation. I feel like it's either he'll be happy and I'll be upset or the opposite. I have no idea what to do. I just want to go home and have things be normal again. I don't know how I'll get through the next month and a half of my life being away and him being somewhere where I do not trust. I don't know what'll happen just yet, but I need to figure out how to make this work. It's killing me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone, I just want to say thank you to some of your helpful feedback, I really appreciate it. He ended up not staying there and things are okay right now. There are just a lot of things that we need to get through and I honestly just need to get back home.There is of course a lot of back story to a lot of the questions few of you brought up, but in the end I think the main problem is my trust issues. He is a stand up guy and has a really good job and is doing pretty well, he just needed this (to stay with my rents while i'm away). He'll probably find his own place by the end of the month as well as owning his own car and things will be looking up soon.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I'm with CindyCares on this one. It is probably emasculating that he has to be supported by your parents because of money problems. That's probably why, as llifton said, the guy isn't just borrowing the car rather than borrow the car and the living room.
I need to ask this question, as it sounds like since you're in Pastry school and establishing your life, it doesn't sound like your on-again/off-again boyfriend isn't establishing his life. You didn't mention whether or not he was at school, merely that he was having work and money issues.
This isn't high school anymore, as you know. But your guy doesn't know that yet, and you should seriously take notice that the guy has been most likely evicted from his apartmenr (messing up credit) and has been sponging off of your parents and now a friend's fiance. A car is cheap! $500 could get a desperate person a basic pair of wheels...probably nasty looking, but wheels nonetheless.
It would be wise to talk to your own parents about how the situation was working out over there. Was your parents being parents and putting expectations on your boyfriend? Were things getting tense, or were there issues such as activities he was into? I'm saying this because from a financial and personal ambition standpoint, it's time you paid as much attention to the guy you're thinking of linking your life to as you do going to pastry school.
You may be desperate to live life with him, but supporting him? Money being an issue kills many marriages, and your guy having to be supported for an extended amount of time is a big deal. Look at it logically! Many people merely needing to move out of an apartment can take their security deposit and get into a new apartment within a month! Why would it take months and months living rent-free with parents to maybe save up for a new place of one's own, EXCEPT that now, his credit requires him to be blacklisted off of most reputable places, and the ones who will rent to him need security deposit, first and last month's rent, and so on? Same with car payments.
That's baggage you're not even considering here. Trust me, you have bigger issues than this guy's friend's fiance. Your boyfriend who you want to spend your life with shouldn't even be in this situation in the first place, and it will have vast repercussions on the life you're trying so hard to begin. I don't know why, but has your boyfriend ever had drug, drinking, or gambling issues??? A lot of times, money gets sucked into those black holes.
Be wary. Maybe it's time to use your head and scrutinize your relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 Do you really need to ask why would he want to leave your place ? People feel stifled living with their own parents , imagine with somebody else's parents, who also happen to be their in laws. Plus, he gets to use a car for free. I'd leave in a heartbeat.
As for trust, as some other Aunt said, either you trust him or you don't. It takes two to cheat. He is also friend with the girl's fiance' and if the fiance' feels comfortable with the situation it means he is sure that nothing untoward would be going on. I don't see why you'd trust your own boyfriend to not be a backstabber, less than his friend . As for liking the girl, you don't have to like her, nor to see her or to talk to her.
Let's hope though that he gets started seriously and foor real with his apartmenet hunting, because I don't think he could/ would come back to your parents' once you are here. Then again, if this is something that you BOTH equally want, finding a place were you both can be together would also be in his bets insterest,no ?
I must add that your hint at " ups and downs NUMEROUS times ", combined with your panic at the idea of him having a female roommate for 45 days , makes me think that your relationship is less smooth and happy than you think or that you want to think, so, good luck of course, but if you find out that things are not working, it won't be is temporary rooming situation to sink it, but the previous accumulation of ups and downs and mistrust.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
 oh and last thought .. if the car is the selling point for him, why can't he just use that guys car while staying at your parents house? certainly the car isn't offered only as a stipulation for staying there. that wouldn't make much sense.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 March 2013):
what i don't understand is why he's leaving a secure place where he can stay and you'll be coming home to shortly, to go stay in a living room knowing that the guy will be coming home in a month. doesn't that mean that in a months span of time, he'll have to find a new place to stay, yet again?
what does her fiance say about this? he's perfectly okay with it? i can think of only a few ways this is playing out in reference to him:
1. (hopefully this is the one) he trusts her and has absolutely no issues with this and knows that it will be perfectly platonic between the two of them. this is a good sign.
2. you say he's going on tour. so i'm assuming he's a musician? so he already knows he's gonna be cheating on her with lots of girls anyway, so he really doesn't care what the hell she does.
3. she hasn't told him and doesn't plan to.
my mentality on situations like these are that while you should always try to compromise to make both people happy, i think your boyfriend, if he loves you, should place your happiness and stability above his unnecessary desire to live in her living room. if he didn't already have a place to stay, and it were either that or the street, then that would be a different story all together. but since this isn't like that at all, i think he should take your feelings into consideration and make you feel comfortable first and foremost. i know i would if the roles were reversed.
sometimes in relationships, we have to do things we don't always want just to ensure the trust and security of our partner. it's not like being single and not having to worry about another persons feelings. this is what happens when you get in relationships. you're not being unreasonable. and if it eases your mind to not have him live there, then i don't see why it's such a sacrifice to him. it shouldn't be.
if he refuses and insists on staying there, only you can know if that's something you're willing to put up with. if it is, then keep in mind that if anything, just take comfort in that it'll only be for a month.
and for the record; i don't blame you for that situation making you uncomfortable. i wouldn't care for it much, either. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): The entire situation is win win for your boyfriend; however, I can understand why it makes you uncomfortable. The likelihood of something happening between your boyfriend and his friend's fiance' is low. The issue is the fact you don't like the woman. Now is the time for you to test your ability to trust HIM. You can't keep an eye on him 24/7.
If anything was going to happen between them, it can happen anytime. It doesn't have to be under the temporary arrangements. Besides, you'll be home in late April. If your boyfriend is a cheat, this particular female really doesn't matter. He would have the opportunity to do it anytime. He isn't comfortable living with your parents. He's an adult male, he has no place to live, and he needs transportation. They may be giving him fish eyes and cold stares.
April is just a couple weeks away. Seems everyone trusts your boyfriend but you. Why? Has he shown you any reason not to up to now? There will be times he will not be under your thumb. He may have to travel and you'll have to trust that he is behaving himself. He has to trust YOU while YOU'RE away.
The situation is very short-term. He needs transportation and a place to live other than your parent's home. They may be happy to see him leave as well. Don't presume they don't mind him lounging around their home, while you're away. He doesn't want to wear out his welcome.
You've already let him know how uncomfortable you are about the temporary living arrangements; but he has few options right now.
If you've had issues with him cheating in the past, you should have dumped him long ago.
Suck it up and trust him. How can you plan to marry someone you can't trust? If you had a boyfriend who had his act together in the first place, you wouldn't be going through this right now.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 March 2013):
 I wonder why it takes him more than 4 months to look for a place. Why didn't he sign another year's lease? Why would he put himself in a situation where he has to struggle to find a place to live?
His friend's fiance trusts him enough that nothing would happen while he's staying there. Your boyfriend wants to be there to use the car. He also doesn't like the feeling of depending on your family. It's not very comfortable living with potential in laws so he would rather sleep on the couch than to have a whole room to himself.
I doubt he would be stupid enough to cheat on you, and jeopardize your connection and burn bridges when he needs help from friends also.
The thing is, after the fiance comes back, where does he go? It would be awkward to come back to your place again. It's like once he left your place, he's telling people that he could be on his feet again but in reality he just wants to be able to use the car, for a short time.
I know you love each other but relationships require a lot of practical, logistical things to work out.
If he cheats he will, there's nothing you can do about it. His situation in life is not ideal, very unstable. You already gave him your opinion on this and it seems he's hellbent on going there, knowing how this is going to affect you. You helped him enough. Finding a place to live should be his responsibility.
I am sure your parents won't like what he's doing either. It's very unlikely that he would do unapprioriate things with that girl but it still makes you uncomfortable. It's hard telling you what to do because it's him who has to do a lot to make you feel secure about the future. I don't even know if he's at that level yet.
You are in the passive position here. Focus on yourself and stop giving yourself headaches. Your boyfriend might not even be the one. Stop thinking about what could go wrong and do something fun by yourself or with friends.
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