A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:She's left me, and I'm not sure I believe her reasons why. She told me it's because she was going away to study and didn't want to "drag out something she didn't think would work". We were together for a year, she was my first love, and it feels like she's turned her back on me. It feels like the end of the world, for me.I feel rejected, and sub-human. Is this normal? What can I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile your advice sounds good Cupid Helper, I think it's asking a lot from me.
I'm suppose to put asside all the feelings I have for her, while I get to listen about all the nights out she'll go on, and the new guys she'll meet?? I think I'd rather be hit by a bus.
When she broke things off, she did warn me we would be in contact less, and this was a couple of months before the move.
You're suggesting that I throw myself back in the firing line. If I did that, I could be setting myself up for a big fall. And while I would have done that in a heartbeat for her, I also would have stretched my personal limits to keep something going with her.
I want her to realize that she wants to be with me again, by keeping myself apart from her. Like you say, she had all these changes happen. Once she adjusts to that, and maybe after she goes out with a couple of new guys, she'll see that she had somebody good for her before.. Of course, in this, I worry that she will be caught by somebody else.
Do you honestly think that if I'm to be with her, I have to be the one to fight after she's kicked me down? Cos if so, I guess it's something I'd do.. eventually. But so many people have told me I haven't got a chance, and should move on. Tell me why you should be any different?
Thanks for the advice. But, for future refference, don't EVER call this situation 'simple'. This has been one of the hardest times of my life, and I don't think anything has screwed with my head before as much as this has.
A
female
reader, cupidhelper  +, writes (26 September 2007):
hey, take a step bakc and be her friend. she told you it was the distance and you won't believe her-- was she that untrustworthy when you were dating? No, she was honest.
But now that you don't like what's she saying, she's not honest any more? You're going blow it if you really want this girl. Stop thinking of your life for a second-- I know you're in pain, but imagine her life:
scared, new place, new expectation, afraid she doesn't measure up-- and NOW, she can't even call one of her best friends because he's pissed she moved.
She can't handle you right now. that's not refusing to fight for you-- that's human limits being reached. you want to fight for her, man up, be her friend. be the guy she talks to when she's scared. Be the guy she can always bum laundry money from. or someone other guy will be that guy.
you have a year in: tell her you'll give her time and distance but she's you're best friend and the love of your life and you wuld prefer that she evjoy her new space without dating others. you will go up there anytime she needs, no pressure, for a booty call. what better way to have a stress-free college experience: time to get used to everything new while having all the comforts of old visit one week-end every other month. (she needs the other weeks to study, meet new people, and relax-- it really is that simple).
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 You need to quit thinking that you're not worth it. How can you think low of yourself, when it's the decision she made. I know you're crushed and hurt. If you have doubts with her reason, you're probably right. There's a reason we've been blessed with being able to feel doubts. But no matter how this turn out in the future, her decision is NOT your fault. Don't take blame for the actions of another person, and don't give yourself a lower value because of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, but as I said before; We aren't talking at the moment. I'm not sure I could bear talking to her just now. I still want to be MUCH more than JUST a friend, so I think it would only send me back a few steps.
Anytime I asked her why, she would say that it was just because of the distance, but I just refuse to believe that. I thought I meant much more to her than to just give up trying, but it turns out I'm not worth fighting to be with. I just don't know.
She's crushed me.
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A
female
reader, cupidhelper +, writes (25 September 2007):
My husband had many near misses before me, I was fling-girl and he is my first love. we di the impossible, the long distance relationship that never works out, 3 months after we met. He got a gig for 6 months and I alway believed in monogomous (if I ever got into a relationshp) so it was the right time.
but I actually met him before and he had a girlfriend (I didn't know & the conversation would have ended if I had-- I don't believe in cheating) and I was still in college.
We flirted for about 2 hours with him pulling away from me, he knew he was in a bad relationship, but didn't want to cheat. so he enjoyed the attention and talked to someone else when it got intense.
The point, if we had hooked up, it would have been a fling, I was in college and didn't want a relationship. period. He's been my husband for 10 years, but I would have enjyed him and never looked back only one year earlier.
so ask her, is she scared of long distance, the changes in her life, what she meant by "it wouldn't work out"?
if it was you, thank her for not wasting you time. If is was her situation, ask her to call you if she'd like to try again when she's adjusted. sometimes we really can't handle too many things in our lives without screwing something up; sometime we're just scared.
Either way, you're really young and will love again. don't view it as "Her lose", that'll make you pine more. view it as a gift she gave you, a lesson that will lead you to true love. She left you unscarred. I know it seems painful now, but two years of an open long distance leaves scars, wasted time or finding out someone cheated leave scars-- this is just a growing pain-- only you need to grow to know that.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (22 September 2007):
 whenever anybody gets "rejected" they feel like the world has come to end. but it hasn't.
in time you will realise that what she did was for the best and she didn't give you false hope of it working now she has gone away.
our first love is always special and its from them we are able to build other relationships and she has given you a lovely start to your realtionship-life. don't be upset because she ended it, thank her for not leading you on whilst she's apart from you. she was obviously a great girlfriend but it wasn't meant to be, you are young and have plenty of good times ahead of you.
in time the hurt will go, my guess is around 3-4 months but it won't be so bad, because after that you will back tourself and on top form.
best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your response. I honestly don't see her coming back now. We stopped talking about a month ago, after I told her it was too hard to talk to her after falling from Boyfriend All the way down to; Just a friend. I'd love her to come back to me, and for her to realize she is wrong, and won't find anybody who'll love her like I did.
I spoke to my Cousin recently. She told me of a guy she broke up with many years ago, who was very good to her and worshipped the ground she walked on, but she treated badly. And she told me; that after the experience she's had with other guys, she's never had it the same again, and would take him back if she could.
I'd like for my ex to feel this way some day, and realise that she would have been happiest with me... Hopefully she will somebody, and hopefully for her sake it'll be some time soon.
As for me, I'm glad to hear that feeling like dirt is normal at this time. I want it to stop, but I guess time will be the healer there.
What do you think?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 September 2007):
it is normal to feel that way. what we aren't able to do is prompt the decision of others. they have their minds, their reasons, and their decisions. sometimes those decisions affect others, but we have to respect them.
I'd just give her some time, she may stay gone, or she may realize she made a mistake. It could go either way. The hard part is "why is she doing this, i was good to her, and didn't do anything wrong". Just because we're good to someone, doesn't guarantee our place with them. She may be confused with this change in her life.
Just realize you are a good person and fell in love. If it never works out always feel lucky that you had the opportunity to share the time you had with her, and it's made you stronger and a better person having the opportunity to love someone like her.
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