A
male
age
41-50,
*oog1972
writes:Hi, I have recently noticed the girl I've been seeing has distanced herself from me. She hasn't really talked to me properly since I was late for our last date. She offered to meet again the next day to make up for the time we lost. She didn't call that next day so we didn't meet up. Should I have been the one to call? A couple of days later I sent her a message saying I was sorry for what happened and that I enjoyed the time we spent together and to take care. I called her 3 days later as I didn't get a reply and she answered said she had a cold but was ok. I kept it short and just asked if she got my message and she said yes and that she was going to reply, I cut the call and said I had to go finish off something's. The next evening I sent her a message asking if it was over between us and she replied said to stop worrying and that everything is ok and asked if she could speak to me the next day. I replied the next afternoon and said I thought I'd upset her but she replied a few hours later and said I hadn't at all. So I'm left confused - I sent her a message 3 days later after her last message asking how she was and if she wanted to meet up soon. It's been 3 days today and I haven't heard from her. What should I do? call? or just wait for her to contact me? I feel like saying to her it feels like she is done with me and that I need some form of closure. Please help! It's been 2 weeks since we've seen each other now. Thanks in advance x Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 December 2011):
 This new development does not change my outlook of the situation. In fact it confirmed some of it.
Her phone may have been cut off, but if she was really that interested she would have used a pay phone. She would not want to run the risk of losing you to some misunderstanding.
To be honest, she did not sound all that enthusiastic. At least not by your description of the conversation. Some of that may be attributed to recent events that have nothing to do with you, but again, if she was that interested....
Dumping her, then calling her, then cutting the call short, then calling her yet again all looks to me like 'I'm leaving, ok? See? I'm really leaving. Leaving now...' Do you see how desperate that looks?
She may be willing to go out with you again, but I don't sense any passion on her end. I really don't have high hopes here.
My advice is to not contact her again. You've apologised for being late and expressed continued interest in her. She knows where you stand so the ball is in her court.
Move on with your life. If she calls you again, great if not, learn from it.
A
female
reader, Freyja +, writes (18 December 2011):
Hi OP, I'm glad to hear you two talked. The best thing you can do now is wait and see what time brings you. Best of luck! :)
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A
male
reader, moog1972 +, writes (17 December 2011):
moog1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for the advise. I called her today and said she had no money to pay her phone bill so couldn't answer my message. I started the call as just saying hi and how are you and asking if she felt better from her cold and she said not really but was alright. I told her I was sorry for the time I was late and she said it was ok and that there was a reason but yeah she understands, I also said I was a little mixed up with how things were and she said the only problem she has is that I worry nothing else seems to be wrong. I asked her she want to meet up when she was free and she said trouble was she didn't know when she'll be in town again as she's got to be with her parents to visit family and things over Christmas. She said she would let me know when she'll be around. We kind of left it there and it felt good that we cleared things up, what do you all think? I guess I have to take a step back and try to fix this and take the advise here. I am very thankful.
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A
male
reader, moog1972 +, writes (17 December 2011):
moog1972 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks for the advise. I called her today and said she had no money to pay her phone bill so couldn't answer my message. I started the call as just saying hi and how are you and asking if she felt better from her cold and she said not really but was alright. I told her I was sorry for the time I was late and she said it was ok and that there was a reason but yeah she understands, I also said I was a little mixed up with how things were and she said the only problem she has is that I worry nothing else seems to be wrong. I asked her she want to meet up when she was free and she said trouble was she didn't know when she'll be in town again as she's got to be with her parents to visit family and things over Christmas. She said she would let me know when she'll be around. We kind of left it there and it felt good that we cleared things up, what do you all think? I guess I have to take a step back and try to fix this and take the advise here. I am very thankful.
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A
female
reader, Freyja +, writes (17 December 2011):
You showed up late ... she then left the ball in your court so that if you were interested you could then call her. You didn't call ... yes, you blew it.Sadly, us women can sometimes talk in code ... we don't always say what's on our mind when you do something wrong. It looks like she's keeping some distance to avoid getting hurt.Don't be backward in coming forward, tell her you're sorry, tell her you ARE interested in pursuing things, and make sure you keep to your word ... and your time. If she doesn't go for it then move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Sounds to me like you blew it to be honest. I'm not trying to be cold or make you feel bad but every step of the way here you made the wrong decision. Read what I say and take them as lessons for the next time you date a girl.
The two most important things to almost every woman when dating, is a guy who shows interest/desire and at least some confidence. If a guy can't be sure of himself then how can a woman be sure of him?
Firstly being late is a big no-no, maximum 10 minutes and that's with a phonecall or text letting them know. You see any intelligent woman judges a guy on his actions, being late is sign you don't put too much importance on meeting her, no matter what your reason for being late basically your actions then look like you couldn't be bothered.
The next day then she says she'll call and when she doesn't you don't follow up and message her? Now she could have been pissed and that's why she didn't call or as is what I find with most of the girls I've dated she is testing how badly you want to see her, in which case you would have at least sent a message saying "are we still on for today?" But you didn't, so lack of desire is now starting to build up in her head.
3 days later she was cold and probably answered in short sentences. To me this was your last chance at reigning her in, she answered the call so the door was still open for you to make up for it but you didn't. You cut the call short and forgive me for saying it but you wussed out. Her cold tone meant she was pissed with you, she gave you two chances to put in some work and you backed down in both cases and now you backed down again, made an excuse and cut the call short. Do you see what this is starting look like to her? You're showing neither desire nor confidence, bit by bit you keep blowing her off, cutting calls short or not calling at all.
The next evening's message then sealed your fate, you never, ever send a message like that to a woman. It shows complete lack of confidence, it actually looks kind of weird and you were only seeing her so there was no "us" to be over. In essence it was way too full on and while she may have been thinking this guy is not worth my time that message made sure that's what she was thinking because by saying that you basically put the idea as concrete notion in her head and again, it looks so wussy and weak.
Even after that then you waited until the next day before you replied? Seriously? She says will we talk about it tomorrow and you wait until the next day to reply? So you left her hanging then. So far what part of any of this makes you look like an attractive partner? Honestly OP none of your behaviour does, you're too flaky and all over the place, you just leave her hanging all the time.
You're confused? How do you think she feels? What's worse then is the text you do send her is a whiny "I think I've upset you text" you don't send women you're seeing messages like that OP, never. Do you just not get how women work? She's made it clear she's pissed with you, you know she's pissed with you by her tone so you don't need to ask. What woman wants a guy who doesn't understand the basics? When a girl is pissed you don't ask her if she is and you don't ask her why because, and I know this can be unfair and sometimes stupid, most girls expect us to just know what we've done wrong and make up for it on our own initiative without having to be told, especially when you're in the initial stages of proving your worth to her. That is very important for a lot of women because they want a guy who understands them, a guy who can take the initiative without prompting and doesn't need his hand held. You can't sweep a girl off her feet if she has to hold your hand and guide you through the process. Especially not at our age OP, you're not a teenager and these are all teenage mistakes.
"I feel like saying to her it feels like she is done with me and that I need some form of closure." OP why do you always turn to this kind of wussy insecure crap? Forgive me for being harsh but do you think that's sexy or something? Have you mistaken the whole concept of being sensitive to a woman's needs for just being too sensitive and unsure of yourself? How many times are you going to ask the obvious and how many times does she have to reassure you? You're basically digging your own grave. This girl is gone, take the hint, leave her alone and don't do anymore damage here by seeking "closure" how much more closure do you really need?
You want some useful, helpful advice?
Here goes:
Never be late, it can happen but it's easily avoidable, so just don't do it. If you happen to be late then you have to make it up to her.
Show desire and interest early by showing you want to spend time with her, being late says you can't bothered, replying a day later and cutting calls short says you're just not bothered. Balance this carefully though don't go overboard and smother her.
Show confidence for fuck's sake. Man up, take the reigns and lead her. Do not ask her where she'd like to go or what she'd like to do, be assertive and have an idea of something fun before you arrange date. The less work a woman has to do at the start the more she's likely to be "swept away".
All women want different things and look for different things in guys but the one universal truth is no girl wants to date a guy who's flaky and whiny. So get rid of those traits, no more whiny "are you angry at me" "is it over between us" messages or calls.
Do what you say when you say it always and for god sake don't ever leave a girl hanging. Seriously. A lot of girls like to do it to us, wait a few hours or a day before they reply to a question but you don't ever do it to them. It might not seem fair to you but it's how it works, they can then either discuss things with their friends, are trying not to seem to eager (playing hard to get) or are waiting to see if you're going to get worried and start texting them more times for a response.
Finally you need to completely change your attitude to dating. Reread your question. Reread the end "please help!" Where is the strength, the confidence, the self belief, the understanding in anything you have said to us OP? You are seriously lacking in some fundamental qualities there. You just sound so clueless and insecure, when there really is no need to be. Dating is fun and women are great fun too, when seeing someone keep it fun, keep it casual and build up the emotional bond and connection if it's there. Never panic, never wuss out and always look over how you've done things and analyze what you've done wrong. If you don't do this then you need to bounce every situation off of and get advice from your friends until such time as you get the hang of this don't need prompting.
Above all though just chalk this one down to experience, let her go, learn your lesson and move on to the next one.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (17 December 2011):
Consider it over.
In your post you come across as very unsure of yourself. You assume failure and pre-empt her by rejecting her only to dangle yourself in front of her like a carrot hoping she'll chase you.
If your intent was to end it, then you should have walked away after sending her the message. The fact that you hadn't heard from her was proof enough she wanted it over as well. Even if she hadn't received your letter, three days is a long time to go without contact.
I don't know how late you were or how often this has happened, but I suspect that wasn't the only reason she lost interest. Having to constantly reassure someone is a lot of work with very little reward. People generally want a companion, someone who interests and inspires them, not a wounded animal.
Learn to overcome your anxieties and become a more confident person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Sounds like its over to me, she just thought you would gather that from her actions.
Leave it now, don't contact her,she may get back to you eventually or may not. She may just want a breather,give her space and let her miss you.Also its a busy time of year for everyone and most people have plans already made.
Just carry on as if you hadn't met her now, we don't always get closure.
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A
female
reader, uroboros +, writes (17 December 2011):
if she offered to meet up the day after u were late on ur date, that basically ment U NEED TO INVITE HER :) that's what girls do, and she expected you to make a move!
right now she doesn
t seem to be upset or angry with you, probly she's just busy.give her time and space, and let HER do the move this time.sha told you she's a bit ill and yoou have not proof she was ling, so let her call u when she gets better.
good luck:)
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