A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, all. Just some advice needed before i go crazy. Been involved in an emotional/sexual affair with someone i became friends with at work. She wouldnt get that way involved for months but we did and it was like we were in a bubble - amazing for both of us. This has lasted on off for four months, with her guilt of betraying her boyfriend pushing me away and also her guilt of me deserving more an her head been messed up. But then we make contact again and the underlying friendship and the attraction rears its head again as its like everythings ok and we both know we shouldent but the feelings aint gone and we have ended up together again. She has been with him a couple of years and she says hes more like family to her and she loves him but is not in love? They dont live together but he has been asking her about this recently and from what i can tell she doesnt want this but everyone else around her exopects it etc and shes afraid to let them down? I think she feels pressure of fam and friends etc. Plus they got a hol together soon. I dont think she knows where shes at and has messed up her mental health a bit as well as mine.Anyhow she was really nasty to me recently out of the blue (this has happened before before making up intensly (guilt)) and i had enough. Left and text her a week or so later saying shed been bad hoped she was ok and I cared etc. She did likewise. I thought i could just walk away but me feelings too strong for the girl and i know she is hurting and confused and dont want her to suffer. So a week goes by i text that im thinking of her hope shes ok i get likewise back thinking of me cares etc saying she doesnt want to make things difficult again which i can understand an agree with. So I call an we are like old again??? She texts me later that night when her fellas round, saying she is feeling very sorry for herself and upset and she should never have spoken too me??? Is this cos her true feelings are with me and not him whos there??? I wanna know cos ill fight for this one but dont want to make a fool of myself. Its been left at the mo with me texin the following day tellin her not to be upset worry etc as things will work out in the end and we couldent carry on as we were and bottom line is i want her to be happy no matter what. She responds by telling me that im completely lovely and thanking me. I think shes v confused and torn. Should i leave with her still feelin and her thinking im wonderful and break contact and see if she follows. Know they have been on verge of splittin last to weeks when contact between us has been v minimal (couple of text), whereas before we were in contact multiple times a day. PS I am the forbidden fruit the excitement, passion although she knows ill commit, hes her security but they always row and she aint happy. What should i do dissapear and hope she has strength to be true to herself and chase or hang in as a friend letting her know i respect us both too much to carry on the sex while she ends the relationship which i think is already doomed. Be hard though to be just friends but i can accept that if she wants and is happy with her fella and can move on still as friends. Think theres a lot more going on though and theres some sort of hold over her by him??? Shes intimated he wouldent be able to cope if they split??What do you think???
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female
reader, missconfused  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 wow great qustion kinda tough too well i think you should just part let her know what she lost and if her feelings are true she will come back to you. and she should have more respect than to be having sex with you and with him thats gross she needs to have more self respect and you too. i know that it looks bad cause she cheats but dont be worried that she'll do that to do b/c iv cheated but i never really loved that person i was with and if you cheat is b/c the one your with doesnt give you what you need . ask yourself does she fill every gap in your heart is she really goin to make you happy???? if she doesnt leave her bf its just an excuse either she's scared or isnt sure what tying him to her? dont be dump find a girl that will really care for you and will only be for you dont settle for have parts of her just somedays dont be an idiot dont let your self get dragged that far down cuz your gonna end up messed in da head like her.... and i doubt your in love your just infacuated believe me i been through it . think about it love doesnt come out in one day love is like a child you nurcher it and care for it give it love and it grows . ask yourself what has she done for you to love her? you'll see not much then why keep trying for something so ignorant that doesnt know if she wants you or someone else
but remember at the end of the day make your own chose dont do what others tell you do what your heart tells you b/c you dont wanna make a mistake that later on you wont be able to fix
take care
A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 August 2007):
Pretty much what DJ said, but I won't sugarcoat it. You've done enough damage and confused the hell out of her. She cheated on her bf with you and what would stop her from cheating on you with someone else? She is now feeling guilty and probably trying to get over it and restart a normal relationship with him, but you keep interfering. That's why she's nasty to you. Walk away and let her decide, and tell her that you are stepping to the side and why. If you really care about her, you'll do what's best for her and walk away, that takes real strength and courage. The other alternative is more selfish than anything else.
Never start something with someone unless you're both single. At your age, you shouldn't need to watch Jerry Springer or Maury to figure out that nothing could will come out of you constantly giving this girl a head trip. You might not have watched Jerry Springer or Maury, but you'll be destined to be on a future episode.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 August 2007):
 I would back out of this relationship for awhile until she figures out what she wants. If you remove yourself from the equation, she'll have to think on her own and decide whom she really wants to be with. It may not be you. But she should be able to figure it out if she's no longer getting it both ways. It's true that sometimes we do fall out of love, but we still love the person we're with. Somehow they become more like "family" or roommates in some cases because it's comfortable. It's the "known" even if it's boring and unfulfilling. Plus I suspect her b.f. has probably done nothing wrong and this is the cause for her guilt. As long as she's still seeing you, she will continue to be confused and messed up. Make yourself scarse and she'll be forced into a decision without being strong-armed by anyone but her own heart.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (8 August 2007):
 Her boyfriend would be fine if they split, that's an excuse. She's staying with him for reason. The reason she's not going to you is obvious. She's not in love with you either. The good news for you is, you can keep this up as long as you want and never have to worry about her wanting more. You shouldn't want more either, and the answer lies in lies and deceipt. Do you think you can trust a woman who has cheated on her man with you. I don't think so, and the risk for me would be too high to be willing to take the chance. I suggest you keep doing what you're doing and relax, but don't get so relaxed that you get caught. If you're just out to have fun, date other women too, this will help your heart get free. If you're heart is already with this woman as you say, and you're looking for a real relationship, then break it off with her before you start looking, otherwise there will be mass confusion for your heart. Be a man, you know what you need to do for you, just do it.
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