A
female
age
51-59,
*ubyBirtle
writes:I have a lodger who is in his early 20's. He has a 19 year old girlfriend who stays over 3 nights a week. This is fine with me. I find her silly, stupid and totally lacking in the brains department but it's none of my business.Recently my lodger asked me if she could start staying over more often. He said he realised that this was more than had previously been agreed before but that she was having a really hard time at home. (She lives with her Mum.) Up until now they had been staying at a friends house on the sofa one or two nights a week. I said that she would really need to contribute towards houshold expenses if she was going to be here more than half the week. My lodger seemed to accept this and asked if I could talk to his girlfriend as he felt that the advice of an older woman might help. I agreed.Since then I've find out a little more about this girls problems. She has a child of 2years old. She is supposed to be the main carer of the child with the support of her mother but it hasn't panned out like this. The (grand)mother is doing pretty much all the child-care. The 19year thinks that her mother is not letting her care for her own child and is trying to take over. That's why she's having such a hard time at home and she wants advice on how she can get her mother to let her in more.I now regret having offered to talk to her because she's obviously looking for answers that I can't possibly giver her. She spends up to 5 nights a week in a city 40 minutes away, at least two of those days are spent partying at nightclubs or dealing with the come-down from ecstasy. Her answer to dealing with her stressful mother is to spend more time away from home and hence more time away from her child. I can only say one thing - stop partying, stop staying over, stop running away from the problem and LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. The only way to prove to your Mum that you can look after your child is to stay home and do just that despite your mother's tendancy to want to muscle in.This girl is so miserable and fragile at the moment. Lately, she has spent most of her visits here sobbing in her boyfriends room. I just feel that I can't give her such a hard-hitting message; I couldn't deal with the aftermath. And I don't really want to get too involved with this - this is my lodger's girlfriend not a family member.Should I tell my lodger that I feel it's not a good idea that I talk to her about this after all? Or should I find something nicer or more diplomatic to say? (I can't think what.) Or should I just drop the bombshell and never mind the consequences?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I agree with YouWish here.
I would rather lose him as a lodger then have to take on the "extra" person. Mostly due to the legal side of it (like YouWish) pointed out.
I would also tell the lodger that you thought it over (about talking to her) and have decided that you feel it's better to star out of other people family trouble. NOTHING wrong in that.
A
female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I agree with YouWish, wondering if you should give her advice (which in my opinion is pointless) is going to be the least of your concerns.
While I did mention before about paying household expenses it would be wiser for you to not let her stay where it got to that point. Tenants (at least in Canada) are very protected with laws that make it very difficult to evict them. Even if they are destroying your property. I would brush up on your laws in your area before deciding anything about her.
As for the advice....don't give it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I got the idea here:
You started out the story saying she stayed at your place 3 nights per week.
Then you said "Recently my lodger asked me if she could start staying over more often. He said he realised that this was more than had previously been agreed before but that she was having a really hard time at home"
What's more than 3? 4, and many laws would classify that as a "primary residency" which infers a huge legal status on you. Also, you arranging to have her contribute to household expenses also makes your place her "primary residency".
The fact that it's her primary residency means you HAVE to let her dependent live with her if she has primary custody. You really don't know much about landlord/tenant laws, do you? That's what you are when you take on a room renter - you are a landlord. There are a ton of laws protecting tenants, including right of dependency. If you have her pay one cent into house expenses, you are accepting her residency, therefore if she informs you that her 2-year old child is coming to live with her, you don't get to say one thing against it...the legal term is "household discrimination" and would get you in a lot of hot water.
Seriously, you mentioned whether or not you'd have a mother/daughter-ish chat with her as your only advice?? Sorry, but if I see you charging headfirst into a burning building, I'm going to pull you out of the building before complimenting your perfume.
I'm not kidding. You may not appreciate what I'm saying to you, but I care about you as a landlord because I'm empathetic to terrifying tenancy situations as well as financial tall grass when it comes to that type of livelihood. You can't afford to be informal for one second.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 October 2014):
 I would tell your lodger that you didn't realize how complicated the situation was and that you truly don't feel comfortable talking to his girlfriend. And I agree with Youwish..the less said the better and the sooner you can get him out the less problems you will have. Its just not a good situation and its being set up to become even worse. Stay as business like as possible, don't get in any deeper by making things more personal.
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A
female
reader, moon river +, writes (4 October 2014):
 Wow it sounds like she might really need help. I know from friends that being denied the right right to look after your child can have a serious effect on you. And could be what's turning her towards drugs. Maybe you can offer him out of his contract so they can find a place together?
Sounds like she could really do with support and it sounds like no one in her life is there therefor her except her bf.
Also maybe she was trying to be nice to you or felt nervous in front of you as you are in a position of power over their lives.. so maybe you have been a bit harsh
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (3 October 2014):
RubyBirtle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe question isn't whether I'm going to let her stay-over more than 3 nights a week (I don't know where you got 4 from or the idea that I was going to let her child come too) I've told my lodger that she can't.
It's whether or not I should speak to her and "advise" her on her home situation. Especially when I will have nothing good to say
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2014):
You need to understand that at the core of this, it's a business arrangement. Your lodger rents from you with agreed-upon terms. When he talked to you about her, you didn't know about the 2-year old child. You understand that with all of her problems, especially money, once you let her into your house as a RESIDENT, it's going to really hit the fan for you. I'm telling you this from personal business experience that it would be 100 times better for you to lose him as a lodger than take her in, because once she is in your house with her financial problems and the noise level from the kid plus her huge emotional issues, it will be next to impossible for you to evict her without going through a LOT of time, financial outlay on your part, and a loss of your sanity.
You agreed on HIM being your tenant because he was alone, lived quiet, and it was a good term. She stayed over 4 nights per week, something that wouldn't be tolerated in many leases without her signing something because it shows her being at the place more than half of the time, and you are way too emotionally into these people's lives.
You need to talk to him, tell him that he is your tenant, and that your relationship with him and his girlfriend needs to remain on a professional level. Do not make this a verbal "Well, she'll have to really contribute" because you will be taken advantage of. If you let her into your house as a resident, you will be legally obligated to have her 2-year old there as well, and you will have to deal with your insurance liability as well as childproofing your house, making you criminally and civilly on the hook for any injuries her child could get as a result of a failure to child-proof. You know, "How Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Socket got married" sort of injury.
Get out of this while you can.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (3 October 2014):
I would stay out of this. This is the type of drama you don't need.
Besides, I'm sure you know that no matter what you tell this girl it won't do a thing to help. She is immature and not fit to parent her daughter. No wonder her Mother took over.
I would continue to be polite but very distant. Also remember to be very firm on her paying household expenses because if you don't it WILL bite you in the butt later.
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