A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been somewhat happily married for almost 9 yrs. now. I love my wife very very much, however we rarely have sex anymore due to wife's lack of interest! I have talked, begged, pleaded, and have done everything I know to do to help her "get in the mood" to no avail. I have gotten to the point of needing to be with somone sexually so badly that I have decided if I'm not going to get it at home I am going to get it somewhere else! I have met another woman who I have developed sexual feelings for. this new woman is recently divorced and we talk all the time... she understands my frustrations and also has needs to be met... however she has said that she wants to be with me badly however she won't have sex with a married man because her husbands cheating is what ended her marriage. She as well as I doesn't want a relationship we just both want sex. My question is this: How do I convince her that we should satisfy each other's need reguardless of the fact that I am still married? What should I say? What should the ground rules be? Need help before I explode!
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divorce, in the mood, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): DON'T DON'T DON'T GO DOWN THIS TRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just stop this thought process about this other lady. At least she has the sense to understand that you are playing with fire.
Your opening lines on this post said that you loved your wife very very much. If you carry on or are unfaithful to her, you could be in serious strife. You also have to face the fact that already your being unfaithful, just your conversation with this lady has broken your marriage committments.
You say you have done all you know to fix this problem. What have you done?????????? Seriously, what attempts other than your comments that you have discussed it with your wife. So what was the outcome of the discussion and what the two of you are doing about it?
I really hope your not just a typical cheating partner who is telling himself/herself it will be justified if you do go off with someone else! Most cheaters, tend to blame the other partner/wife that it was cause they wouldn't perform, so then it makes it okay. WELL IT DOESN'T, EVER.
If your wife had an illness, or physical difficulty, then is that also the same. You know, well I married her and love her, but who cares, I want to fuck someone else, cause I am horny! Grow the fuck up man. This situation is asking for not just trouble, but devastation.
So lets say you go ahead, hopefully this lady will continue to turn you down, she knows the pain.
You get going on your sordid little sex problem, yes, it is about you getting your rocks off. You need to realise that this will be your downfall. You will then need to handle all the guilt and shame, all the complicated emotions and tangled relationships you create. You will need to hide your character from your wife, who would be more than likely devastated when she finds out that she is not the only one. Then when the shit hits the fan, you loose it all or have enourmouse problems to handle, the hurt, shame, tears, anger, lost love, lost spirits, loss of integrity and pretty much most of what you may or may not hold dear to you.
So if your only consideration is that you need to find an angle to con this lady into going along with your plan, then think again if this is the only important thing for you to consider!
The only luck I wish you, is to grow up and stop being a dick. And, to get real and honest about why is happening in your marriage which is causing intimacy issues.
STOP running away from the important issue here, which is your life, home and family!
DON'T YOU DARE, blame your wife for why you consider your allowed to break your marriage up AND CHEAT!!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Your lady friend has felt the pain of adultry and probably doesnt want your wife to feel the same pain, however..... you need to discuss your concerns with your wife. Having an affair will never solve any problems it will only make them worse. You need to sit down with her and discuss what is happening in your lives, stress, unhappiness, depression.. actually the list is endless, all affect a woman's libido. Talk to her, go to a counsellor if that will make it easier. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): There is no way I could feel good about myself if I were to offer you a way to convince this woman to sleep with you.
What you need to do is to first get a grip of yourself and understand what your thinking of or trying to do will not get you what you need but a temporary relief.
Is your wife completely quite as to her reasons, feelings, refusing to talk about it? Do you have any idea why your wife is doing this? Is she having an affair? Do you think the marriage is over? Do you have any kids? Is she also in her early thirties? Does she work, is she tired, is she not feeling well?
Instead of just looking out for your own interest, try to understand what she might be going through. Is it something you've done to turn her into an iceberg?
Attempt to ask these questions yourself, then ask her what have you done. If she refuses to answer, then ask if she would prefer a divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Look, I understand that you're in a bad place right now, because everyone has sexual needs that should be met. But if your wife can't meet them, then there is other options than sleeping with someone else. Have you tried sex toys for yourself, and maybe watching porn in conjunction with them? I'm sure this could arouse you a lot and please you sexually. Or is it the actual sex that you desire, and not just pleasure?
If it's sex, we're in a whole different position here (pardon the pun). Firstly, you should get permission off your wife if you want to sleep with someone else, otherwise it's cheating. And cheating on your wife is hardly going to please her is it. But I'm afraid, if you have sex once with this woman, then you're going to want it again and again. Your wife won't like it, so you'll stop getting permission and it will eventually become a full-blown affair. Painful. Are you sure this is the way you want your marriage to be, and possibly end?
And on a different note, is it even worth staying with your wife? It makes me wonder, because it seems that you two are so different in the sex department, and this is a bit of a red flag. You're not old yet, and I'm not sure it's going to be good for you, if you spend the rest of your life craving sex from the one you love and not getting it.
Personally, I think you should re-think where you are with your wife, and whether your marriage can survive, because I doubt she'll encourage you sleeping with another woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Why doesnt your wife want sex? Can you not get to the root of this problem first before you embark on another? How can you even suggest having an affair, you selfish person. Talk to your wife and get to know her.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 April 2008):
 First of all, permission from your wife. Now as far as with this divorced women, I don't think it will be with her. With her beliefs in not wanting to be with a married man, it would be malicious and vindictive to attempt to convince her otherwise.
Working with many people who have been in her situation. I understand why her decision is what it is. Adultry is, to sum it up, emotional death to the person cheated on. It's one action that the victim rarely recovers completely from. It changes their boundaries, their future relationships, and their self worth.
It's not okay for your wife to completely withhold from you either. But it's not proper to pressure her. What's really going on? Lack of romance? How beautiful and sexy do you make her feel? Do you set up special dinners for her, or surpise her to show your appreciation and love for her? Does she see sex as a duty, or another chore added to what she all ready has to manage?
If there is something missing, women do stop desiring sex. It's like, "we don't have this so why get all sweaty?" It's actually easier to work out issues from within a marriage, than it is to seek affection from outside. Ask your friend how much her divorce cost. This guy was in your position once. He chose to do what you're seeking to do. Ask yourself, is loosing your wife worth the pleasure?
Look at your everyday routine. I bet you'll find the answer to why she's not in the mood.
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A
male
reader, Kevorkian +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Have you talked to your wife about this? Might want to get her views first, after all you did take an oath!
Sort your own stuff out first, then go for the gold.
Maybe your wife thinks you suck in bed so she has gone elsewhere to satisfy her needs. How does it feel?
Talk to your wife yo!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): well, first leave your wife.
be single.
then be with any woman you want.
would you like to be fooled just the way you're going to fool your wife?
ok, so she doesn't want sex... does that mean she doesn't love you? does that mean she won't end up humilliated after you cheat?
think about it. it's better if you leave her. if you love her, well, obviously the sex is more important. i understand sex is important. plus, you don't want a relationship anyway.
be respectful to her. and to the other woman. don't play mind games and convince her to do something that she doesn't want to.
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