A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago. I've been having "nightmares" about him lately, despite not being n contact with him for 5 months.Summary: Together 3 years, 2 of which he was a homeless and jobless and various friends and family (including mine) took him in to help him get back on his feet. Last year I became very ill (working 3 jobs to support myself and college, and to help the ex) and required surgery. I ended up losing those 3 jobs due to the surgery and the ex, instead of getting a job to help with bills, pawned some of his belongings to help out. My surgery did not go well and I was scared shitless for 3 months while trying to recuperate. During this time I re-prioritized my life and became more focused. I lost faith in his promises to provide--he wanted marriage, a house, wealth, but couldn't even take care of a house plant. I still loved him, but I told him I needed a break because I was beginning to hate who he had become. I made a list of activities/things we could do to fix the relationship in order to satisfy both of us. He agreed, and I asked him to come up with his own ideas and actually put forth effort in the relationship. He never did, I was very hurt--he said, "You've come up with effective ideas, and I know you're worth the effort, but I don't know if I am."I realized that he always had things come easily to him, and seemingly didn't think it was worth salvaging. I am still really hurt by this. He was supportive through everything, but just absolutely lazy and unable to be an adult, which scared me--because I imagined being a successful individual who came home to a sloth-y husband on a couch every day. We've not spoken in 5 months, but his brother contacts me once a month "just to talk" (never about the ex, though), and he's not initiated conversation in any form, neither have I. I've gotten rid of quite a few reminders of our relationship. Lately, however, I've been having dreams about my ex. A recurring dream is the discovery that he was cheating on me. Another is that I find an "evaluation" of sorts of all his exes, and he's written terrible things about me. These dreams are beginning to bother me because they are becoming more frequent. I never felt good enough for him and always had to fight for his attention (it seemed). Our schedules and wants never seemed to coincide and I think it lead to serious misunderstandings and by the time I realized what was going on and how to fix it, he'd reached his breaking point.What can I do to stop these dreams and just move on? He never would give me the closure I asked for repeatedly. I'm doing well in the other aspects of my life, but I'm not a social person, and lost quite most of my friends in the break up. I'm not looking to date, just to heal and stop having these dreams. Why couldn't he just be honest?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (30 April 2008):
If you are dreaming about your Ex and the past then it must be because you are dwelling on it and still too full of questions.
You need to accept that your relationship just wasn't right so it ended. Stop beating yourself up and wanting closure. What do you imagine he could do to make you feel better anyway?
Then you need to move on and find something new to think about. You say you lost a lot of friends in the break up but I assume you still have some left. Go and see them, go out and have fun. Take up a new hobby. Get some self confidence in your self with a new haircut or set of clothes.
You can't blame him and his "dis-honesty" for the break up. You wanted rid of hi because he was a waster, you did it. Good for you. End of story.
Work on your career and your hopes and dreams and just accept that you have moved on. You'll soon start dreaming of other things if you think about other things.
Good Luck!! xx
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