A
male
age
51-59,
*ahuna185
writes:I have had multiple conversations with my wife regarding the shaving of her vag, but she will not so much as keep it trim. I've actually shaved her a few times, but I feel like it's just part of a woman's grooming process to keep it trim if that's what husband wants. I am not asking for total shave, although that is a great turn on. I just want it not to be a total jungle. She does nothing in this regard and I am very, very frustrated. I feel like I need a marital counselor but that's a pretty silly reason to see therapist. I am at wits end. I've even withheld sex, but that really doesn't work cause she don't care! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, kahuna185 +, writes (16 December 2010):
kahuna185 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, I'm back. Wow. More great comments and replies. To the European ladies sorry for my comment about arm pits, I hate when I generalize. My bad. I think somewhere along the line we got distracted with shaving vs. grooming. If that was my fault due to initial question I'm sorry. Initially I was just trying to find out from ladies p.o.v. how that grooming process works, i.e. if it's a routine and how conscience you are of it so I could try and get into my wife's head on why it's a thing she doesn't do regardless of for me or not.
I approached it mainly from sexual standpoint, but maybe if I make the argument / discussion around hygiene this would be better approach and less confrontational.
As for Oral sex, I really can't explain it but we're just not into it. Either of us. We were in earlier days, but desires change and we just lost interest in that. We find other ways to make ourselves happy.
Once again, thanks for all the superb responses, it really opened my mind to new ideas on this.
A
female
reader, Dazed'n confused  +, writes (15 December 2010):
Well, OP, i actually agree with you on lots of things. I was 21 when i met my current boyfriend and at the time was too scared of the pain of waxing that i didn't do it, and shaving always hurt afterwards as the hair would be growing. to please my bf i went and got waxed, first few times were chinese torture, but then it got a bit better. i can't say it still doesn't hurt like a m...f.. but it made our sex life better, i feel cleaner all the time, and have no allergies, smells or whatever since i got used to doing that. i think maybeee, u should find out if she's bothered "physically" when doing it, and if that's the issue try to make her understand the hygienic aspect of things and that for 30 minutes of pain there are at least a couple weeks of cleanliness and awesome sex. if that doesn't work, i'd say give her incentives, i'm sure u're down on the whole oral thing cuz i get from what u're saying that she kinda repulses u (i know i'd feel disgusted if i was to get all kinds of smells and stuff down there...)my point is, try to gently coax her into the habit, not JUST for u, but for ur relationship cuz i think this will keep nagging at u. as to all the readers who said they disagree with u and it's none of ur business what UR wife does with her body,girls get a life and think of all the times u got ur guy a perfume cuz it turned U on, or asked him to fix his hair a certain way cuz it appealed to U. marriage is compromise ladies, as all relationships are, and people should learn to sacrifice a little bit of their own wants to make their partner happy cuz what goes around comes around and small sacrifices go a long way in a relationship. let me know how it went...good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): :o These other commenters are both right.
and half wrong. I'm sure you don't think she HAS to shave.
Because technically its HER crotch. Marriage isn't a contract to hand over her bodily rights.
But I'm sure you knew that.
Sure it would be nice if she shaved for you...
...However,
You have to compromise in marriage.
What are you doing for her in exchange for her shaving/trimming/maintaining?
If the answer is nothing, than that's what your doing wrong. Maybe there's a little extra grooming she'd like from you. Talk to her seriously about it, and see if you can reach an agreement.
She may have a reason for wanting it hairy.
And keep in mind; if she lets it grow out a bit, and THEN shaves, the skin is MUCH softer.
You married her because you love her.
Divorcing over this would be silly.
Marriage for sex is a really stupid idea, and I hope that wasn't why you married her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Personally I like the grooming. It is more hygienic. In fact in women I say keep it very trim or total removal. On a hot day it makes sense.
To the OP : I understand the frustration with her personal grooming. Yes bad odour is a real turn off.
When u talk to your wife do not accuse, shout, lose your temper.
Set the scene, even buy her flowers, Talk lovingly and ask her again to consider a proper trim.
Op I do not think u have been influenced by porn but you just want a fresh smell. So do not feel bad that you have this preference.
However it is the manner in which you talk to her that counts.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): If she likes them like that then don't nag her because thats her descision. Get over it. My bf likes me to be shaved but i don't so just respect what she wants.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 If that's both of yours view on marriage, that you are each others property and that your bodies belong to each other, than sure, you get to have a say in it. But I am not sure if she agrees to this view of marriage, as most of us on this thread do not agree with this view. But that is up to each couple to decide for themselves I suppose.
As a little side note: Im in Europe, we do shave our armpits, and please avoid telling stories like that in the future.
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A
male
reader, kahuna185 +, writes (15 December 2010):
kahuna185 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am 44, she's actually 45. First and only marriage for both of us.
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A
male
reader, kahuna185 +, writes (15 December 2010):
kahuna185 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, more good responses. Wow, I am truly amazed and appreciative of all replies.
There are boundaries to marriage and some people are just getting too deep. For instance, it's her body and she can do what she wants. No, it really is not. When you get married you become one soul. If she wanted breast implants or even a reduction do I not get to say something about that? Or any other cosmetic surgery? We are one and we make decisions as one.
This past summer I noticed she stopped shaving arm pits. I said to her this isn't Europe and that's gotta stop, thankfully she agreed and that's done with.
btw, Oral sex not much of an issue as neither of us want it from the other. Really... :-)
For me it's mainly an odor & appearance thing, it just smells and I don't care for wild hair growing up north.
I think I just need to have another frank discussion with her... painful as that always is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): For God's sake! If your wife is happy having normal natural unshaven pubes, that's entirely up to her. It is NOT normal to shave one's genitals so why are you acting like it is?! Do you watch too much porn? Seriously, not many women shave down there, it is weird that you want her to and that you're making a big deal of it, do you have some sort of hairless vagina fettish? Get over it or get professional help this is your problem not your wife's and if this is a real problem to you, then you haven't had many problems in life!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2010):
 I've thought about this question a bit, and your follow up sheds a bit more light on what might be going on.
You've been married 12 years, and you're 41-50. Is this a second marriage for you? Is she significantly younger than you, as in at least 10 years??
The reason I ask is that the shaving of the privates in the scheme of things is actually a newer trend going on. In the 70's and 80's, it wasn't much heard of, as most vintage porns sported women au naturale, so to speak. Then you saw the silicone implant explosion followed by, you guessed it, shaving.
In the meantime, many women who had teenage years in the 70's and early 80's wouldn't even cross their mind to shave down there with the exception of the bikini trim, and even then, many women in their 40's-50's aren't exactly beach creatures in bikinis after multiple children and aging claim them, with a few amazing exceptions.
Anyways, I think instead of focusing on the fact that she's not trimming or shaving ANYMORE, you should consider focusing on what the underlying cause of her no longer doing so.
I'm guessing the reason is born out of the same kind of resentment that you've shown her in doing the childish witholding sex routine. My advice, seriously, is to take your mind off the symptom and try to find the cause of why she doesn't feel for you as much as she used to. Resentment and old fights run deep. I have never seen a woman shut down on a guy without some serious provocation you might in fact be oblivious about. Do you always have to be right in an argument? Do you always have to be in control? Is the same issue popping up in your fights (except the shaving)?
It could be something as simple as relationship fatigue. You might want to drop the witholding crap and start re-stoking her love for you. Seriously.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (15 December 2010):
I think the issue goes beyond the one you've described. Effectively she isn't keeping up with what she used to do for you because she is not as attracted to you as she once was. If she was, she'd feel the need to please you still (and - feel sexy herself)
I think you need to look at the relationship more as a whole rather than concentrate on this particular issue. What are you doing that has caused the relationship to have less attraction in it? You are also looking at trying to fix this problem on a logical level. That is why she "logically" agrees to what you are saying, but is not carrying out the change.
Forget this issue for the time being, concentrate on your relationship as a whole. Concentrate on yourself and getting to find you attractive whereby she wants to please you. I bet when you can do this, the hair will quickly come off. You'll be happy, she'll be happy and you'll have a closer relationship because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I believe that being in a relationship requires compromise and sacrifice at some point, if not all the time, to keep both individuals happy. The fact that you were willing to take the time and effort to keep yourself well-groomed shows that you are 100% about coming up with a fair two-way compromise. What you are asking of your wife is not unreasonable, especially since she had previously put in the effort early in the relationship. You've acknowledged that she doesn't like to be completely shaven and so you mention that simply trimming will eliminate the issue at hand. Maybe ask her if there is anything she would like you to compromise on and use this as a sort of bargain. If you are willing to make the sacrifice for something she wants, she may come around and realize that doing something so simple and quick as to trim for you in return is not such a big deal after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): These people are crazie. You have every right to ask her to shave and she is a very disrespectful woman who will not do something so simple to please her man!!!! That is just nasty to have pubic hair like that. It only serves one purpose and that is to hold body odor. Who wants to go down to get a mouthfull of smelly hair. Guys want to feel soft wet lips and a hard clit!! Good luck!!!!
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (15 December 2010):
 There's absolutely no reason for you to make this into such an issue, it's her body and she has the right to choose how she takes care of it.
Withholding sex is probably the most immature approach you could take. Seriously, grow up. Asking nicely if she'd trim every once in a while is fine, but demanding her to do so just because it's what you want is ridiculous.
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A
male
reader, kahuna185 +, writes (15 December 2010):
kahuna185 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, these are good replies. First time posting so I forgot lots of stuff. We are married 12 years, during dating and after married first few years she shaved and kept it trim. I am not entirely interested at this point in total shave since she doesn't like it. I just want her to keep herself groomed! She's got pubes extending up under stomach, it's not attractive. We've talked at length about it, and she agrees with me but yet doesn't do it. I've bought trim kits for pubes, doesn't use them. I have previous shaved my privates down (on my own with clippers), I need her to shave/trim chest & back hair. I'm hairy guy, what can you do? I do that mainly in the summer. She does not like when I have myself, doesn't like the hairless look on me so I don't do it anymore. I guess I was just saying if I can do it why can't you?
Anyway, I think I addressed all the questions in those great replies. Thank you for advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I feel sorry for you, get a real problem, and stop expecting real respectable women to look like porn stars. That's kind of gross you want her to shave, her vagina shouldn't look like a childs. Why do you think you should control your wife? I suggest you seek help from a professional.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 December 2010):
 What does she say about grooming her pubic hair, out of curiousity? You gave us what you think but you didn't let us know what she has said to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): If she doesn't like to shave "down there" then maybe you could come to some sort of compromise. Maybe ask her just to trim "down there" so it's easier for you to perform oral sex.
I agree that she shouldn't be forced to do anything but at the end of the day sometimes you do things to make the other person happy.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 December 2010):
You have no right to demand anything from her, you simply wishing her to shave or trim is no real reason for her to do so. The real argument here is that when you are married you either keep up appearances for the sake of your partner or you don't. Some let themselves go, and this has been the way your wife has let herself go. If this is really the only thing she's let go about herself then you're not facing a big problem. Some women and men gain weight and become unattractive to their partner, or some stop shaving or working out, some stop personal hygiene, and some start nasty habits. It's what people do.
At some point you need to accept this as part of marriage and party of how people develop, at another point you need to talk to her about where your marriage will end up if she is not attentive to you. At the same time you do not have a right to demand anything, if she keeps up appearances it is a thing she does for you, something extra and that you should be grateful for, not take it for granted. If she's stopped, perhaps there are other deeper problems in the marriage, and the trimming is a result of some other problem. Such as if she's not feeling ok she won't want to trim it, perhaps you are selfish in bed and she doesn't want to do anything extra for you unless you do something good back, or whatever. It could be many reasons, even unknown to herself.
Take a look at the overall image, whats going on in your marriage, talk to her. Council therapy might actually be what you need to get to the bottom of this. Many men fail to see the deeper reasons for a womans action, perhaps those reasons will surface if you have a third person to talk to. What has she answered when you ask why she no longer shaves?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): It's her body, her choice. If you truly love her you should respect her choice, her preference for her body. You can encourage her, suggest to her what it'd do to you if she trims, but don't repeat your request again and again if she doesn't want to. You should never expect it to be part of her grooming (it's not for most women!) You seem to care more about your own preference than her feelings. Think again if you really love this woman, what does it do to her to have her man constantly complaining about what she does or doesn't do with her own body?
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 She needs to feel comfortable with her body during sex and maybe if she shaved she just wouldn't feel like herself. If she wants you to go down on her then ask her kindly to landscape beforehand. During intercourse it shouldn't matter, the important thing shopuld be that she is comfortable and you are both enjoying yourselves. Do you look down there instead of at her face?
Hope it works out for you.............:)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 December 2010):
 Really, it's her preference. In any relationship, you should take your partner's input into consideration. That's the biggest problem I see here. Have you tried different approaches other than withholding sex? Have you explained how much it turns you on? Have you told her you'd love going down on her if she trimmed?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2010):
For the record, I am PARTIALLY on your side. I think it's good to have a bit of a trim there to keep it neat and not make things a jungle.
However, do you have any idea how rough it is to shave completely down there? To wax is painful, expensive and humiliating. To shave is equally uncomfortable, not to mention this indescribably maddening itch as it starts growing back in even the slightest bit.
What if she required YOU to shave your legs, armpits, chest, back, backside, and your pubic area and expected it to be a part of a man's grooming process?
I think you've been watching too much porn, to be honest. Those women do it because they get paid, and guys get off on the "barely legal" vibe that a shaved woman portrays.
So trimmed and neat, I'm with you. Expecting regular shavings is outrageous unless SHE wants it for herself.
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