A
male
age
36-40,
*nkit
writes:Hi, I have been dating this girl from past 3 years now. We tried having vaginal sex many times but every time i have been unable to penetrate her for some or other reason. Either she is too scared of the pain either she is too tense etc.We tried everything from using KY to seeing a doctor also who says all is fine. As a substitute we tried having anal sex. From last 2 years we have been just doing that.She absolutely restricts me from using a condom during the act which i am very scared of as my most of the times its covered with her poop. Day by day I m getting really scared of this stuff ( fear of infection and also its smelly and dirty ). But i don't know what to do. She just refuses. Please help.
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anal sex, condom, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, susnter  +, writes (26 October 2008):
I have been maried 20 years. I love anal sex, so much that it has been years since I had vaginal sex. My husband is fine with it. I like some stimulation from his hands on my clit, but having his peins in my butt is what makes me sing. So, dont worry about it. If you both like how it feels, embrace her rear end as though it were her most sarced opening. Get her some butt plugs, suggest she wear one on dates etc. It will get her even more excited. I have one that vibrates and has a remote control for the vibrator. He loves to tease me with that on dates. This one is huge, so I feel like I am really doing something special for him by having it in me all evening. Although I love to be asked to wear one of my plugs, I often just sneak on in me with out anyone knowing. Feeling it with my every move, has me very hot by the time we get home. When he discovers it in me, he is very happy. Susan J
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): My wife needed a simple surgical procedure before we could have sex because her hymen was too thick. She also found pap smears to be very painful before this operation. Her doctor identified this problem long before we ever met.
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A
male
reader, Ankit +, writes (1 February 2008):
Ankit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
Thanks a lot for help.....
well things have moved on a bit after she saw this post on the internet....
We did visit a well reputed gynecologist who ruled out vaginismus but asked her too see a counsillor who would help her out...& she agreed
I think so for a start this is great ...
Also she now realizes how much concered I am with this issue.
Well I think its a mixture of a deep rooted fear and also as birdynumnums said the ring on a finger commitment...
Thanks a lot anonymous ur posts have been of great help...
also thank u LethalInjection-x....
Once again I would like to thank u all who tried to help..
Best Regards.
Ankit. ( Further comments & guidance is most welcome )
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi again,
I can understand totally the fear of sex the first time, as it took me ages as well. But what I dont get is that she can manage to have anal sex, surely this must be a lot bigger problem to get over. And as for the fact that she wont let you use a condom, well I'm sorry but thats just bloody dirty. And you have already said it discusts you, so why are you doing this.
I really cant get my head round the fact that this seems to be OK to her. I would be mortified if that happened to me. This was why I asked if you knew if she really was a girl. Not to insult!! but lets face it stranger things have happened. No one would judge you for being with a trans-sexual, as thats not the issue.
You are running the risk of getting a nasty disease, from her pooh. And the smell must put you off sex anyway.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Is she concerned about keeping her virginity until she is married? She may have deeply rooted feelings about this, and is not willing to give up her virginity until the ring is on her finger.
If it is Vaginismus and she is so afraid of sex that her vagina has become a vice, she won't relax until she is given a prescription for a couple of night's worth of muscle-relaxants.
Just a couple of ideas in case they are of help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I can see how your girlfriend feels. Not particularly about the anal sex, but with the fear of vaginal penetration. It just might be vaginismus like a previous person mentioned. Look it up and share whatever you find with her. There are methods to overcome it using dildo-like toys that come in a set of increasing sizes so she'll eventually be able to be intimate with you. As for you not being comfortable with the anal sex, surely you should be able to share that with her. You've been an understanding boyfriend for 3 years, I can only hope she'll be just as understanding with you.
Good luck with everything
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): hey i think you guys answering this question are the ones being selfish here, you cant help your feelings and fears. i was exactly like this girl and i am 100% female i just had a massive fear of sex and it was beyond my control. however i now have a perfectly healthy sexlife. you just need to sit down, talk with her and do everything in your power to relax her and make her comfortable.. She will soon come round, also loads of foreplay to make her moist will help penetration and dont rush her. hope this helped.
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A
female
reader, LethalInjection-x +, writes (30 January 2008):
 I think a lot of the responses here are far from anything you needed to hear.
I sympathise with you, and I admire you for sticking this out.
Firstly, I was exactly the same with my ex, we did exactly the same as you, although, I encouraged the use of a condom.
When you say you can't penetrate her, I assume you mean physically opposed to her not allowing it? Or both even. Because I know with me it began with the first and ended up with the latter, but anyway.
It could be something known as vaginismus, which you should look up and research further, preferably with your girlfriend.
In order to be able to penetrate, she needs to be completely relaxed and comfortable, maybe she's been told it really hurts, or maybe its an issue of strict upbringing attatching stigma to sexual intercourse, although this doesn't appearto be the case if she allows anal sex.
Put sex off limits, focus on pleasure in other ways, use KY again, relax, use your fingers, maybe turn it into a game where she says "yes" if a touch is good and "no" if it isn't. Work from there.
As for the issue with anal, encourage her to have a bowel movement prior to sex, or maybe even invest in enema equipment, which again you can research online.
It sounds to me it's a case of psychological issues, she reminds me of me really, but I got over mine with my current boyfriend, he helped me, took it slowly, and although it did hurt, it's been great ever since.
Hope this helped.x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): It's a very odd stance to take - anal is allowed but she's not ready for normal sex. I guess talking and communication is the only way to resolve this. There's definately a very deep rooted fear going on. One that may need proffessional assistance to overcome.
And if you don't want to have anal without a condom then don't. Surely you have some self control?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): If that was your question, why on earth didn't you ask it?
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A
male
reader, Ankit +, writes (30 January 2008):
Ankit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi To all who have replied to my question.Just to clarify my girlfriend is NEITHER a "HERMAPHRODITE" NOR a "TRANSSEXUAL" NEITHER a "SHEMALE". She is a girl 100 % clinically proven female.Please guys I need advice.I dont want more questions.She is just not ready thats what she says all the time.How do i make her overcome her fear that is my question ?Out of all of you Dear Anonymous thanks a lot.Uncle Phil and Laural318 please dont bother to reply back.Thanks.Ankit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): well if you're 100% sure she's a woman and you're both in love. . you need to sit down and explain that the 1st time will hurt but afterwards she'll be free to 'do it' whenever the feeling takes her. . there wont be any inhibitions or pain. . she just needs to relax. . .for me, the first time had to be quick because it did hurt, maybe you should follow that example. . .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): 'She' sounds to me like a post-op transsexual. But I guess you're the only one who can get a good look at the equipment to check it out at close quarters. I mean, how does she compare to other females in that area?
I don't think I could do what you're doing. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, but for you it's plainly anything but. I'd also be tempted to get an aids test, just in case.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (30 January 2008):
 somes girls loveeee anal. and some hate it.
this is certainly a first.
Most anal sex fans will douche or..clear out before getting going.Granted you'll see guys in porn doing a girl in the butt without a rubber and it doesn't come out looking like a shizzel stick.
othes will say get that thing away from my ass.
i agree with TELLULAH get the next bus to singlesville
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 January 2008):
 She could be born a hermaphrodite . There is nothing you can do except to look for another girl.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (30 January 2008):
If I were you I would be out of there, without hesitation. Are you 100% sure that she is a girl, did you actually see the doctor with her? Its just there is something very strange about this, Girls mostly find that anal sex is horrid and painfull. And as to doing this whithout a condom!! YUK. What are you thinking.
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