A
male
age
41-50,
*razyoflove
writes:Hello. For past six months I have been in affair with colleague from work. We are both married, none of us has kids but her husband is often away for couple of months. Things between us developed pretty fast and we soon realised that this is more than affair. For this reason we agreed to wait about 6 months to see whether our feelings are real and then to decide what to do. About month after beginning of affair her husband returned home for two months and during this time we saw each other only on workplace. However, we were for 8 or 10 hours on sms or on skype every afternoon. I felt sad because oft hat and wanted to leave but she begged me not to. So I stayed. Then after three months she opened herself one night and told me that I am the one, that she loves me endlessly and that she wants to be with me but is affraid to say „yes“ because she might change her mind if pressure of family during divorce gets too strong. After that we talked about same thing several times. I feel that I can't move on without knowing whether she wants same things as I do. However, every time she fails to provide me concrete answer. She wont say yes or no. It all comes down to „maybe sometimes“ even though it is not actually spoken out. This drives me crazy, I lost concentration, weight, hardly eat or sleep. Few times she mentioned that I should not ask because she will speak for herself when feeling ready.About a month ago I had enough for first time. I said it is over and stopped contacting her. It was four days without communication before she called me. She kept saying that her heart belongs only to me, that this is the real thing and that she made a mistake. When I asked does this mean that she will go with me till the end she again did not reply. I repeated but she said „is this only thing that matters“. She called me few more times and I finally gave up believing that this time she is serious and that all she needs is a bit of push in order to open until the end. I was wrong. The story was again „imagine if we were together etc“The deadline of six months on which we agreed upon is expiring soon. My proposal is to start solving things in month or two when her husband comes back. She says that she is affraid whether she will be able to pursue this till the end and that it is best for me to leave. She also says that she will look for me when she sorts things out. I accepted this and we have been in no contact for 5-6 days. She called me again and we met. She was willing to pursue this but then next morning again said that she is having second thoughts. I had enough this time and said that if it is over then it is over for good because I can't promise her that I will be here when she comes back in few months or years. She did not like this and was reluctant to leave. She said as every time that she does not want to leave me from her life but when I asked will she go with me till the end she replied nothing. We said goodbye but after about an hour she called me to say that we are ment for each other but is too scared.My problem is as follows. Every time I try to talk to her she refuses to say anything concrete. It all comes down to claims how her life would be perfect with me but she cant say yes. When I say that it is best to put an end on our story she leaves impression as if she wants break with possibility of return once in future. I dont want that because I dont want to be somebody's backup plan. On the other hand, I feel that she is really scared. I see that she does not want to loose me but I am not sure whether she wants anything serious with me. Is it right to keep trying or just leave and break any contact with her? Is she really scared or am I being fooled around?
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affair, divorce, move on, workplace Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fellicia  +, writes (22 October 2016):
I am in the exact same situation. Please tell me about your status right now...what happened? Are you guys together now or did you move on?
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 I agree with Eyes. You should avoid all that pain and leave now.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 May 2012):
 She'll let you meet her girlfriends but not the guys huh? She's afraid that once you are truly a couple you may actually want to know where and what she is doing? She sounds like she is a serial cheater and has a whole stable of you guys. I'm afraid you are in for a world full of hurt my man.
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A
male
reader, crazyoflove +, writes (22 May 2012):
crazyoflove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it has been almost a month since I wrote here. Since then we've been continuously talking about these things. About 10 days ago we had to go together on a business trip for couple of days. During stay there she kind of opened to me. She said that she will marry me and is ready to leave her husband on first occasion when he returns home which is next month. That night we stayed together and fell asleep in each others arms. However, next morning she woke up and seemed bit strange. I did not react because I assumed that it is some of her fears coming back again. Later that night I asked what is wrong. She said that she is scared of loosing her freedom with me. I asked what does freedom mean to her and explained that in my opinion two people should have time together as well as their own private space. She said that she has many male friends, some of which are her ex with whom she has coffee once a year or so and is affraid that I might get jealous. I said that I do not have problem with that but that I hope that I will meet some of people with whom she socialises on common basis whether they are male or female. Her reply was that she is willing to introduce me with her female friends but does not think that there is need for me to know any of her male friends. She also continued that she feels pressure that she will have to tell me where she is, what she does etc even though I never mentioned any of these things nor would I. It is my belief that there should be some trust in a relationship. We continued this discussion on our way back. During whole trip she seemed confused. One minute she would say that she loves me and adores me and kiss me all over while the next she would go silent and say that she feels suffocating. Once back home she turned distant. Next morning she came to my office bringing me some chocolate and saying "just to let you know that I care and think of you". I tried to talk to her and explain that everything will be ok but she wouldn't listen. She kept repeating that she feels suffocated and wants to breathe. Next day out of sudden she said that she wants to end things between us even though she loves me. I tried to talk her out of this but by evening I gave up. On Wednesday it was her birthday, she came to my office and we had really long kiss. Nevertheless, every time I would bring up the topic of us she would lock herself in. She also was upset that I did not come to her office for last two days which I usually do. Since then we did not talk for 5 days. Then yesterday, she came all of sudden in my office with some silly question about her car. I acted cool and polite but stayed brief and did not bring topic of "us". She seemed surprised and when she left I noticed that she turned her head from stairs looking at me with very surprised face. Last night she again contacted me on skype to thank for advice I gave her and to wish me luck with one project I am currently working on. I don't know what to think of this. Should I continue to ignore her and respond only when she contacts me or start conversation about "us"? Part of me wants to contact her as this proven to be succesful before. However, another part of me feels that this is more serious than anything we experienced before and that it is better to leave her to sort her head out and let her come to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2012): Leaving a spouse is harder than just walking out the door. So many things are involved that she can't give up. She's been very straight with you IMO family pressures may put the final nail in the coffin when/if she can take that bold step. From someone that's been there she won't leave him but she loves you as much as you think its not more complicated than that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): You should leave this woman already. She's comfortable where she is now - having a husband and you on the side. She doesn't want to give up anything. And as long as you continue to be there she will continue to want it to stay this way and not upset this delicate balance.You should leave her because when you ask someone to commit to you, any response they give that is not a "yes" is by default a "no." A "maybe" is equal to a no, because it's not a yes.you should also leave your wife too. You say you don't want to be your girlfriend's back up plan? But you're treating your wife like she's your back up plan, that's a horrible thing to do. Why haven't you left your wife yet if you're busy pursuing another woman?? Let me guess, if your girlfriend says "no" to you then you'll just stay with your wife? That's a horrible way to treat your wife. You need to divorce your wife immediately regardless of whether you will end up single or with your gf. You have no right to complain that your gf won't leave her husband, if you still haven't left your wife. Grow a backbone already and leave your wife and accept the risk/consequence of ending up alone and single. That's the only way you can salvage your integrity.
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A
male
reader, Tom Obler  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 Same sort of story as normal. I doubt she will leave. You will be kept hanging. Take control and get out of this.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 April 2012):
I feel for you Buddy. It's so aggravating when your partner in adultery doesn't follow the script. Should be a crime really.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (19 April 2012):
Maybe she is not fooling around, but that doesn't matter. This won't end well.
She will never leave her husband.
If you stay in the relationship, it will mean that you accept the situation as it is. Or, if you stay in it in the hope she will eventually change her mind, the pressure will increase. At that point, if you play the game of not speaking your honest mind, the relationship will stall and explode. If you do speak again, she will tell you that, well, you've been together for so long, why change it?
The husband will find out and if that happens you will be dumped as well.
Would you feel fine if someone slept with your wife?
If she really wanted you, this would be her moment to leave the husband. No children, no ties.
Leave now.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 April 2012):
 We see this time and time again on DC. Two people are married, fooling around with each other. The one leaves their spouse and then the other partner gets cold feet and leaves their lover hanging high and dry..lost and alone. Your lover is showing the classic signs of wanting her cake and eating it too. She's got a husband, a home, she feels safe. You offer excitement and possibly danger of upsetting her happy life. Is she going to leave her husband? Its really doubtful. Is she scared of leaving? Of course she is. Why should she leave when she's stringing you and her husband along? If you really don't love your wife, then leave her...regardless of what your lover does. Its not fair to your wife. Just keep in mind that you might wind up without a lover or a wife. Some people are all talk...your lover could be one of them.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2012):
 How do you justify cheating on your wife?
You say you don't want to be someones back up plan, but you are USING your wife as one.
GROW a set and get a divorce. Your wife deserves better then how you are treating her.
If your "lover" loves you and think YOU are the one she will leave her husband. However, I highly doubt she will and you are a FANTASY for her.
Look at your own actions before you get so busy judging your "lovers".
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (19 April 2012):
 well basically you two have a relationship built on mistrust. you are cheating on your wife,and she is cheating on her husband. relationships built on adultery, and hiding the truth from your spouses.
what is to keep thoughts from the back of your mind wondering with each other "we cheated with each others spouse, what is to keep them from cheating with me someday ?"
what you have is her heart is divided between her husband and you, she has given her heart ( her self) to her husband and you. her emotions are divided between the two of you.
let me ask what happens after six months and you two go with each other and two marriages are wrecked. what happens after the fire dies down ? the excitement dies down to a normal marriage life " like the normal marriage life you may have now". will both of you be wondering what if? what if i made a mistake, what if i had stayed with my wife/ husband?
if she is having doubts it is because her heart is divided between you and her husband. you both are being unfaithful to your marriages. if doubts exist they will exist later, and more than likely turn into "what if's". you cant blame her for the second thoughts , you are the one that has divided her heart with the affair. now you must decide to pursue or go back to your spouses .
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I can never understand why people want to be with a cheater so badly. What makes you think that once you have her in your corner that she will be faithful to you and only you? You've already seen what she's capable of when her husband is away so why would you want such a dishonest person at your side? But then again, you're cheating as well. Of course she's afraid of losing you. If she loses you then she doesn't have as many options as she did before. When her husband is away, who will she cheat with? She doesn't want you to go but she doesn't really want to be with you either. Why would she ruin a good set-up by getting with a guy who wants a serious relationship? She's childish and you're childish because you both disregard the person you've promised yourselves to. Both of you put shame to wedding vows. I really do hope you two end up together and free the people that you're both married to. They deserve a better life that doesn't involve sharing it with a cheating spouse.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 You are both fooling each other and your spouses' around. You don't try leaving, you just leave. Waiting for her to make up her mind while leaving your wife hanging is wrong. If you and your wife's problems can't be solved, then divorce is the best solution so you are free to love.
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