A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Who is being selfish here? "Jane" and I have been friends for about 5 years now, but for the first 15 months or so it was something more than that. Now, going forward, she wants to disacknowledge there being any history between us to any new people coming into her life. We are now "friends from work" who "hang out sometimes" and apparently it was always so as far as anyone else she knows is concerned. When I ask why that is the only answer I get is that it's none of their business and they don't need to know. I feel like I've been a tool and that she'd like me to continue being one, as she's seeing a new guy, wants me to be chums with him, but I'm not to let on we have any past. I never would speak of it, but I think SHE should acknowledge it to him, in private. Who agrees? Who disagrees, and why? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, shane in dallas +, writes (11 October 2009):
 The main issue: you like her. You want more. I'm sorry you're in a bad spot. Somewhere in the last 3 or so years that the intimacy part of your relationship disapated, Neither one of you had the courage to let the relationship grow and evolve. Instead it stagnated. She appears to have moved on, yet still values your friendship. The fact that you work together makes it hard. Especially on you.
It's time for you to act. Tell her how you truly feel. Tell her you've been an idiot for not telling her for this long. Tell her why you love her, all the reasons, and that is why you can't be friends with her new guy. Tell her if you've waited this long, you'll continue to wait.
Don't quit your job unless it's just torture being around her. And if you do, then find another first. Don't put yourself in a jobless situation over this.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (11 October 2009):
What???
Yeah because "Darling, you know that guy I spend lots of time alone with, well he's kind of an ex boyfriend, we had a thing but it never worked out, and since then there's just been 5 years of repressed sexual tension."
That ALWAYS goes down well with a new boyfriend.
If it was nearly 4 years ago, why on earth does it matter to you whether you are a friend, or an ex boyfriend?
If she says you are a friend, then she gets to stay your friend, if she says you are an ex, and her new guy doesn't like it then she has to make a choice.
Why are you making her life complicated? I think you need to look in the mirror and ask if you are as happy for her as you claim.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 October 2009):
Well she's actully setting herself up a bit here, because if her new guy finds out, he may become suspicious as to why she hasn't siad anything. That said, to be honesnt, it may be that she sees you as nothing more than a friend and would rather people see it that way than as lovers gone wrong. I wouldn't be too worried or hurt, it would be a waste of yout time and heart. Be friends with this guy, but make sure you mix with other people to get away from her and him a little more.
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