A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont honestly have the slightest clue on how to piece all of this together but here we go..Just a little bit of information about my self before we start, i seem to think way too much into things, but i never actually express the way i feel verbally, and when the situation is over, what i thought in the beginning is normally close to the outcome. But i never take up on those hunches because im the type of person that would rather avoid verbal confrontation and just observe the outcome and if a situation where to pop up again, i would know the proper way to handle it. Otherwise i just nod and agree, even if my feelings are different(then i later beat my self up, literally, thinking too much about it and why i didnt stick up for my self)Anyway! This is how the story goes, been together for 3 years, but in the early stages of this relationship my girlfriend was actually my best friends girlfriend, and at the time i was having alot of troubles with that friend, pretty much all of my friends because my mindset was on getting cleaner, not dirtier(not to be taken literally, but from a narcotic point of view) and back then i would stick up for my self because 2 years before that, i was in a controlling relationship. I vowed to my self that i would never let a female walk over me, disallow me to have any other friends but her(but, of course, she could have friends), you know, that type.Anyway, when i started dating her i felt so alienated by all my friends, which was completely fine with me because i knew i had to stick by my intentions of cleaning up. But, this is the first time i am willing to admit it did, does, still bother me. Thats all beside the fact, i guess im just trying to clear things that have been on my mind for awhile now.Anyway(again) we have moved in with each other because relationships between her and her parents were not going that well, so she popped the question up and i agreed to move out as well. Unlike her, i have a very fortunate relationship with my parents, very close to both of them, and i have never had any family or house issues like my girlfriend. So when i moved out i had an enormous amount of guilt on my shoulders because i was thinking that my parents are probably asking themselves why i moved out, did we do something wrong? I asked them if they were alright with me moving out and they said that they couldnt stop be, and that they support me no matter what decision i make and that it will still always be a home to me(which hearing things like that gives me a feeling of okay-ness to where i dont have to think about the situation anymore)When we first moved in, everything was great, and before i moved out my mom told me to just make sure im not the only one doing the cleaning cooking etc. I told her to do not worry im sure i wont be the only one doing those things(because of the vows to myself about not letting anyone walk over me in that manor). We both work 40 hour a week jobs, so when we both come home we are naturally physically beat. But i always get a second wind when i get home because i never liked the feeling of getting up, working, coming home sleeping eating then wash rinse repeat.. Wheres the life in that!?I was the one who always cooked. Breakfast if i had the time(even if i didnt have the time because i like seeing the enjoyment from it) and it seemed like when i went out of my way, completely, to do stuff like that she would be less prone to flip out about some small pointless shit such as "why arent the towels washed? you where off today." Im use to getting comments like that and often she says its because she is aggravated at work and sorry to take it out on me. It happens everyday.I always cook dinner. I even sometimes bake desert. Every saturday i cleaned up the entire house, the bathroom kitchen bedroom, the whole 9 yards. And when she would come home it is almost like she would expect that it would be clean and so one Saturday i didnt do anything. She noticed, commented on it, and says our house is a pigsty.. Now here is where i get confused. Im afraid to speak my mind and i should have said "well why dont you clean it?" But i knew if i did it wouldn't get anywhere, she would get upset, i apologizing suck it up and clean the house while she says she is hungry and is too tired to cook.So naturally i felt unappreciated because i would do so much, she would do so little but act like she did a lot. She just recently got her license and now doesn't want to cook at home anymore. I've often suggested it and it often gets shutdown, she gets ticked off, and so on.Now she drives me to work, to the grocery store if i need lunch, and if i do not say thank you after every trip, every day, even if i forget to say it, i get chewed out saying i dont appreciate her or anything she does for me.I want to bring up the cleaning of the house, or all the meals i made and all the meals she never made, but i dont have the audacity too, because once again i do not want the verbal conflicts. Then at the end of the day while laying in bed tending to her every needs because she is too tired to do anything for her self, i ask my self the same question every night, "is it worth all of this?"Was this worth 3 years of my life? Lesson's can be learned yeah, but 3 years of my life gone to sheltering my thoughts and being afraid? I love her (but in her mind loving her just isnt enough, there is a distinct difference between loving her and being in love with her, yes i have gotten chewed out before by not saying im in love with you after she says it to me.. because if she says something along those lines or i miss you etc and heaven forbid i dont say it back, it means i dont love miss her in her mind), but at times i feel i do not get treated as well as i think i can in a new relationship.I havent brought this up to anyone, because im the type of person who never says anything that regards feelings or emotions because i feel that if everything changes then me saying that will always be there, and if i didnt say anything that all will be alright.Any advice on what i should do would be much appreciated. thanks!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (5 September 2011):
 What's her reason for not cooking? Is she a horrid cook? In that case you wouldn't want her cooking, but she could clean up afterwards.
So what your looking for is appreciation and for her to pitch in. That's understandable. Although it seems as though you're not going to get.
It's time for you to shove back..I would calmly ask her if she could pitch in when it comes to cleaning. You are not the house keeper. Both of you work 40 hours a week and if you both spent a hour after work cleaning together, it would get done in no time. See what she says. If she doesn't agree to this, then I would just stop cleaning the house, and cook your own meals. She doesn't like the mess, then she'll have no choice but to clean it herself.
Lastly, if none of the above works and your house is not only a pigsty but a war zone due to the conflict, then I would say it's time to move out.
A
male
reader, CASA DE FIGUEROA +, writes (5 September 2011):
You have to understand that in order for a marriage or relationship to be succesful, its gotta be team work and there has to be comunation and tough love because if you or her are doind something wrong, how will that person know? And before you 2 should of moved in, you 2 should of set standars for each other. If she dosent do anything and it bothers you alot, you gotta end it because YOU CANNOT CHANGE a PERSON, no matter how much you try. Shes showing you her real self...either take it or leave it.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (5 September 2011):
Verbal conflicts aren't pleasant but sometimes necessary. The truth is you are still letting people walk all over you and they will continue to do so until you actually stand up for yourself.
You should mention what's on your mind, especially if it's really bothering you. When you first moved in together was when expectations of how each of you will behave were made. You've done all the housework, cooking etc and never mentioned how you felt about it e.g it was unfair and unappreciated. Your girlfriend has now come to expect that behaviour from you, it has become the norm. If she does nothing around the house there is no mention of it and no comeuppance she will continue to take what she can get. Whereas she always reminds you that she wants appreciation when she does something like drive you around.
If you let your partner know what bothers you and what doesn't, you'll find out a lot more quickly if you're compatible with them and won't waste 3yrs of your life. Remember that a minor annoyance at the start of a relationship only becomes greater as time goes on.
In your situation if you really want to try to save the relationship you need to sit her down and calmly explain EXACTLY how you feel about everything (inc her snapping at you). Have a good think about how you would like to fairly divide the household chores, mention it to her, debate the fine details but stick to what you want - fairness.
In all honesty it could be too late for this relationship, she may be too set in her ways and not be willing to give up such a cushy lifestyle and will argue, scream, get upset and shout in the hope you will back down. In which case the only option is to end things if she won't discuss it like an adult. If she truly cares whether you're happy or not, she should listen, if she doesn't I think you can guess how much she really cares about you. Or she could be a complete user who if you give an inch, she will take a mile and I would say just leave anyone like that, nothing will change her.
Also if you're sure you're not in love with her anymore, then again end it as it's over at that point.
I'm like you in that I don't like angry confrontation, I don't see how it gets anywhere. So I've learned to calmly state what I think and feel and what's bothering me, then try to talk it out. If the other person gets extremely angry then I'll walk away as we're obviously not campatible or all that similar.
Even in a normal relationship with a good person, they're not psychic and won't know what's wrong unless you make it clear and tell them, it doesn't always have to lead to a full blown argument. Things may have been very different with your current gf if you had made it clear at the start what you would and wouldn't be prepared to do. You'll have a lot of problems in any relationship if you carry on like this.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 You use i or I 37 times in your question. This might be indicative of a few things. It could be you're very upset and not being rational, or, it could mean your focus is not on her but on you. A possible answer is to write down all of the day-to-day "chores" of life and split them evenly like a checklist for pre-teens to do their homework and clean their rooms,etc. Or, you could move out and be on your own so you could be free to decide what to do and what not to do. In my opinion, for both of your sakes I'd go your seperate ways and grow up. Not what you wanted to hear Just keeping it real my friend.
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