A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:An interesting quote I found: "You do not need to know too much about her past. Behind the colorful fabrics, that closet has skeletons" I think i need to get this off my chest, I unfortunately don't really have anyone to discuss this with right now. I'll try not to go on too much :) I met a very pretty girl last spring, we started to date, after 3 months we finally slept together (normally it happens on the 1st date), I thought wow, the made me wait this long, and she doesn't "party" this could be the one. So after a while we get serious and We tell each other I love you. and things are going great, we live apart, but I spend several nights a week there,we go for dinner, hang out, we have sex every time I stay, normally in the mornings before I would leave for work etc.... I move across the country with her for family reasons, and have been here 4 or so months, now, since we have been here, things in the bedroom dept have gotten a little stale. We had a drunken chat one night, and she admits to have slept with a lot of guys, I asked more than 10? she nods, 20? nods, 30 she said "yes but none of that matters". I agree, i don't really care to be honest, but I am starting to feel a little bitter to be honest. As I have since heard a bunch of stuff from different people, she dated a guy 13 years older than her, and g guy 7 years younger than her shortly before I met her, plus just after our first date, she went away for a weekend to meet a guy (nothing happened, cause he was an ass hole apparently), and i recently came across a bunch of pics of her on fb that pretty much portray her in the light that she really liked to sleep around, simulating a blow jobs,simulating getting it on with her female friend,etc.....(exactly what you want to see right) So i'm now thinking, what is the deal with our sex life.... she is all about the non sexual touching and hugging etc, I cant remember the last time she went down on me, She wont do anything adventurous, I do enjoy what I get, but to be honest, i'm getting very bored very fast. I think what gets me is that she basically made a complete 180 in the bedroom dept. She has nothing but good things to say about me in bed "i've never dated anyone that made me cum every time" etc. I think its because I know how she was before that makes me have little patience for this. Is this a common thing do you think for girls? once they get comfortable they think they don't have to make the effort anymore? we have discussed getting married and kids, but I don't know if I can do this with the stale loving.... Could it be that she is depressed and unhappy with our living situation (far away from friends etc, no life) someone please explain a womans thoughts, i know near impossible right ;) (if you made sense of what I wrote of course)cheers.
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male
reader, vospie  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Hi, what happened when you spoke to her?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for your ideas and suggestions. i think im gonna have a talk when she gets in tonight.
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A
female
reader, Pizzicato +, writes (24 February 2011):
Maybe she wasn't all that adventurous in bed. Maybe she doesn't know how to be, if you feel you need to spice things up a little, then do it together. And don't worry about who, you don't know what went on, and pictures are pictures.
Maybe she doesn't enjoy sex. Maybe she was with those men because she was looking for companionship and thought sex was the way to go about it.
Maybe she can't enjoy sex for whatever reason, mental or physical. Maybe she has some sexual issues.
You are going to have to speak with her but gently. Not in your question's subcontext, as in why did she sleep with all those men but is not that adventurous in bed? I thought she will be more experienced!
Don't pressure her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): From the facts stated in the question, it's not 100% clear that she was wild with the other guys she was with? i.e. Do you know she was something other than boring with the other guys? (I'm not recommending asking her if you don't know the answer to the question)
It seems to me it's possible she slept with all these other guys because she had a need of some sort that she was trying fulfill, and wasn't actually into it all that much. I find it's easy to imagine my gf and her exes went at like porn stars, but that's probably no the case. Personally, I'm not going to ask because I don't want to know too much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): You have a gf with a history of promiscuity, and that alone doesn't happen in a vacuum with either guys are girls.
Yeah, you might get a lot of mixed messages from posters on this board, such as guys who like to say they have shagged every woman in town and are super studs, and girls who all are virgins till they have had 6 children. Neither is true, of course.
But, the problem is that after all of the promiscuity is over, then you have to live life. That is not always easy psychologically, particularly if you have half a brain.
Guys who screw everyone they can, including women who are cheating, settle down, get married, and are never secure in their relationship. Same happens to women.
Pretty girl, promiscuous, lots of sexual partners, "i've never dated anyone that made me cum every time", and she wants to marry you and settle down with you.
Now, the past didn't matter before, to her or you, but it matters now. It matters to you, and it matters to her, and your past matters as well. Some people will say "forget the past", but that it a huge mistake. The past colors the present and reactions and interactions, and lots of other things.
How much do you reveal? That depends upon who you talk to and the people involved.
Some advocate total un-redacted disclosure of your entire sexual history. Yet, some people can't handle that and don't want to know. The question is what can you and she handle.
If you want a long term and constructive relationship, then you need to talk with her, and probably need professional help with a couples counselor. You probably have no idea what is really bothering her, not because you are stupid or clueless, but because it is being kept hidden.
Personally, I've been through this. My wife was afraid for me to know her past, and her past haunted her, she was sure that I would leave her if I knew what had happened over the years before I met her, she had revealed what she wanted to reveal and what she thought she and I could handle. Our marriage, with kids, was falling to ruin, and I couldn't explain it, and had come to the point that I was going to have to leave. Why? Well, she wasn't handling the past well, and it was "tearing her up inside" and it was destroying our sex life and our marriage. As a last ditch attempt to save the marriage I pushed her both in counseling and out of counseling to talk and really open up. When she did the flood came out and it went from what you have posted about your gf to something that makes what you posted sound like nothing at all. But, she realized that as she opened up she felt better, our relationship got better overall, and she really was able to become more secure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Either, she was exaggerating the truth about how many guys she'd been with or she actually likes you.
Let me explain.
When a girl genuinely likes a guy and isn't just there for "fun" she will be a little more cautious about the way she acts, especially in bed. If she acted like a wild animal in bed and did everything you could imagine, in her mind that's giving off the impression that she's "easy" or not the type of girl you'd want.
Even today, women are very easily labelled as "sluts" or "easy" if they act like they enjoy sex.
Those photos of her acting like there were just that. An act. Those other guys she's been with just sound luck casual sex partners so she could do what she wanted with them because she probably didn't care what they thought about her.
You need to talk to her about how you feel and you might just be surprised about what she has to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): It sounds like you're put off by your girlfriend's past and apparent unwillingness to dish out the naughty behavior like she used to. You may be wondering why she is holding back the goods, all at the same time worried that maybe she's not marriage material because she's been very active. You're conflicted.
If she has restrained herself sexually to be with you, she may be trying to give off the marrying type persona. She wants to be with you in a serious way. Talk to her about trying new things in the bedroom. Spice it up, and improve the intimacy in your relationship OUTSIDE of physical affection. Deepen the love you have for your partner in your heart, and you will feel it in your groin.
When you have achieved a deeper state of intimacy, then you may be willing to accept her active past. You will then be able to trust her.
Conversely, there may be a bigger problem here. Maybe she's distancing herself from you because she has her doubts about married life, still in want of her previous active behavior. Did her behavior change after talking about marriage? If she pulls away from you, gives you more alone time, and starts picking fights, it's because her faith in this union to satisfy HER isn't working out.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (23 February 2011):
Of course I can't explain women thoughts. But I can tell you something that is very common for girls to think. They think there are guy to screw with (I mean having wild sex) and other guys to marry. That way of splitting the guys universe could explain why, as she gets more emotionally involved with you, she stops doing things she used to do with the guys in her past.
In one hand you can see this as a good sign, because it means she loves you. But in the other hand you deserve having fun too. Specially because these are things she has done before.
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A
male
reader, vospie +, writes (23 February 2011):
I'm not a woman so I can't give a woman's perspective. I think that she might be trying to change her ways. What she doesn't realise is that she should change her public profile but in private, she can be as adventurous as you would like her to be. There's nothing wrong with doing all manner of stuff with your stable, regular, long term guy and she needs to be aware of that. It's very different when girls do all that stuff with random guys cos they're basically giving too much away and people will only say they're a slut if they do that. If they're gonna have one night stands, they need to not do too much. Save that for a guy who really deserves it. It sounds like she thinks you are the one but she's thinking she has to be respectable so she's confused as to who should get the good loving. Maybe you need to encourage her to do those things for you without making her feel like she's losing the respectability she's trying to gain from you.Good for you not to be fazed by how many she's slept with. It doesn't matter but people, especially guys, can get really hug up about it.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (23 February 2011):
 "We had a drunken chat one night" I would not believe everything I heard especially during a "drunken chat". The thought crosses my mind she was 'testing you'. There's a saying 'don't believe everything you hear and only half of what you see'. These things aside, what matters is what's in your heart and mind -- what you feel and think."i'm getting very bored very fast." this means something. What does she say when you talk to her about this?"I know how she was before that makes me have little patience for this" there are things we know and things we think we know and sometimes those lines get blurred. Patience is crucial in long term relationships. If you want a long term relationship with her I'd talk a lot and listen more. Like that saying 'we have two ears and one mouth for a reason'."Could it be that she is depressed and unhappy with our living situation (far away from friends etc, no life)" I would say this has a lot to do with it. Cheers back!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): I'm a little confused by your posting. Are you upset that she had so many partners or is it because she isn't that good in bed?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): alright i think right now she is trying to be more about the passion as opposed to the other bc maybe her past relationships were just about sex and she might be scared to experience that right now bc she might be scared to lose the relationship.. she will eventually open up and be wild with you. but you do need to tell her how you feel about it sex is part of the relationship and if you like something let her know and ask what she likes
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (23 February 2011):
Some people are self centered
They seduce others to boost their egos
But in bee they are very boring because they only focus on themselves
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is a little strange I guess. I think you need to talk to her and express how you feel about the sex life you have. But do be mindful to be sensitive as it is so easy for discussions about sex to turn into full blown arguments. I'm not sure if it matters, people's sexual past. Both me and my bf have had 'adventurous' sexual pasts including same sex relationships and to be honest, neither of us are bothered about it at all. In fact, i like it. I would rather be with someone who is experienced and adventurous. You do sound a little judgemental - so what if she dated someone who was abit younger and older than her? I dated someone who was 10 years younger than me once, I dont really understand why this is an issue for you. However, I do understand that you feel unsatisfied sexually and this is the main issue so stick to that when you have your discussion. I wouldnt bring up her past too much, if someone did that with me I think I'd be inclined to tell them where to get off! But thats just me. Good luck.
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