A
male
age
41-50,
*ammin75
writes:OK, this may seem a little trivial but I'm really interested in other's views.My gf, who I have lived with for 2 1/2 years went out for a meal and drinks with work. I dropped her off at the train station at around noon and said if you're getting the last train back let me know as I'll pick you up. She sent me a text about 8pm to say she was getting a cab back with a colleague and work would pay. I text back to say great, have a fun night.Later I went to bed as I knew it'd be a late, messy one. I woke at 5am and she wasn't home so I thought hmm where is she, maybe she's staying out, so I text to say...hey, where are you? If you're staying out let me know. I didn't really get back to sleep. I went to work and still hadn't heard anything by 10am, so I phoned her, 5 times on the bounce and it went to VM. Got to admit I was getting worried now. About 15 mins got a text saying "sorry, just woke up. Got a cheap hotel in the end!". I text back with "thanks for letting me know!".Now, if she had text to say..."oh my god, we went back to "whoever's" house, I got wasted and passed out! I'm so sorry if I worried you!". I'd have thought idiot, but thought ahhh we've all made mistakes as long as she doesn't make a habit of it, it's all good, she probably feels like death, punishment in itself.But, no, she made a conscious decision to stay out yet I wasn't even worth a text. It feels like I don't even matter enough for a text. I'd greatly appreciate people's views on this as my judgement is clouded with anger I suppose.
View related questions:
cheap, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 Well, sometimes we have good intentions of NOT to fight, but then reality hits and well, shit happens.
Sounds like she needs to QUIT drinking altogether. Not just talk about the "issues". The only thing that WILL prevent these events? IS NOT drinking at all.
While it may not sound easy (it's not if you are used to social drinking and it's a big part of your culture) but tough choices are part of life. I went through with problems with alcohol, black outs and I quit drinking. I KNOW that I CAN handle ONE drink, or TWO - but I don't FEEL the need to drink. She needs to find that realization that SHE can socialize and NOT drink. That, you or a counselor can't fix for her.
At least it got out in the open. And yes, calling her a twat is not helping the situation so I'm glad you apologized. And I hope you two sort this out together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): You hit the nail on the head when you say anything could have happened. Yes if 'blind' drunk she had no control. It's quite a frightening thought from a personal safety perspective and her health. I hope she can find some balance.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 I wish you had have listened and waited until you had calmed down, but anyway moving on. She obviously has a problem with alcohol. Yes counselling will help but she also needs to stop drinking if she cannot control it. I have a lot of experience in this area. She will make excuses and reasons to have an odd drink, but she needs to stay away from alcohol completely so she can have a happy life. Anything could have happened her and I am glad she is safe and okay. If you believe she is not a cheat then that is all that matters. I am sure she is embarrassed and maybe this is her low moment now to realize she needs help. But you say she is looking for help on her behavior when drinking but the only thing she needs to do is stay away from alcohol and she will need help with that.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jammin75 +, writes (21 October 2016):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, appreciate your time. To conclude this tale, the evening ended in an almighty row. I called bullshit and said the story didn't add up, I suppose I was slightly mean really with my words and said it was pathetic and she was a tw*t. You were right people, don't confront anyone when you're angry, all rationalisation goes out of the window. Today I was less angry and sent a text at lunchtime apologising for the things I'd said. Anyway, the truth came out, she confessed to getting that drunk she can't remember why they didn't get a taxi, she can remember heading to the hotel but little else. Was incredibly sorry and embarrassed by it all. My calls woke her, she text because the other two were asleep, got her coat and headed home. Apparently her boss (female) already had the room booked so her and her (male) colleague ended up crashing. She's actually booked a counselling course to stop her erratic behaviour when drunk. She's never done this before but there have been past times when we've been out together in a group and she's been that drunk she's just disappeared. Mostly I've been able to spot her when this happens and leave with her. It's like she's totally blank. But not always and we've rowed about it before because it frustrates me that she can't see how dangerous that is. Her counselling session came about because I said we can't carry on like this, although infrequent I can't trust you not to be so wasted you have no idea where you are or what you're doing (we all, or most, have our partying moments but this is on a whole new level). So I think this episode has been a good thing in the long run. She's not a cheater, I'm sure of that, but anything could have happened she would have no idea. So, yeah, that's the conclusion. I actually feel sorry for her now and I think it's sunk in that something needs sorting.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): I don't blame you for being pissed off! She should have texted you to let you know, you live together of course you'd be worried!
When I go out I am always conscious about my fiancé and text him he would kill me if it was 10am and no word
Has she said sorry? When in a relationship you have to consider the other person
You need to try and calm down and talk to her let her know how you feel there is no point in lingering it out make it clear it must not happen again
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): Who did she stay at the hotel with?Was it a man she works with?And what was she doing at that hotel that she was not available to answer the phone or a text? Or to even contact you with a heads up?And why was it even necessary to go to a hotel at all when she could have taken a taxi home? And not to able to find a bus or taxi in a CITY? That is shady. Sorry. Because it would not be very difficult to find public transportation in any large city, at all hours.Was she REALLY sleeping?What else could she have been doing?Read between the lines.I am curious to know if she has had any other questionable behaviours such as this over the two years you have been together? Or is this the first? And do you notice any other strange behaviours lately that are new? Or have some things changed? Changes in behaviour are key. And so are patterns in behaviour.So, if it's a one off, you can forgive. We all make mistakes in judgment. Just let her know how much her actions upset you and hopefully she will try not to do it again. But, if there are other behaviours that are strange or seem off, then maybe you have a puzzle to piece together? Maybe there is more than meets the eye? Are you prepared to look into this possibility?Hope you can give us a follow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): I don't think this is trivial at all and I don't buy her story. Presumably this woman is in her 40s not a ditsy teenager. How did she know you weren't waiting up for her? Just supposing she didn't send you a text because you don't keep your phone on silent (do you?) she must have known waking up without her next to you would cause you terrible anxiety not knowing where she was. You rang 5 times and she didn't pick up ..... minutes later she texted you instead of ringing - hmm.
If I were you I'd want a thorough explanation as to what she was doing the whole night, with receipts and which taxi companies she rang. If she dismisses it I'd want to know if there's a man at work she's particularly friendly with....
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 October 2016):
I suggest you don't make any efforts to contact her further till she contacts you herself. Let in know that you're upset by her behavior and you have every right to be. I agree that what she's saying doesn't really add up... why on earth would you rather stay at a cheap hotel when you can get a taxi back home? You also offered to pick her up so she could have called you. She better have a really good explanation because no one's buying her story.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): You are right to be annoyed. She got a cheap hotel and stayed out all night and didn't think the person she has had a relationship with for over two years lives with and shares a bed with and who assumed she would be home...would be concerned at zero communication? Sorry but this sounds suspicious to me. Also you text and phoned and no reply? I think she owes you the truth. I don't think you have it yet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2016):
I think you should try and talk to her instead of the silence. Because silence can be misleading.
I think you have every right to BE mad, upset and disappointed and I think it's ONLY fair to tell her HOW worried you were. I think perhaps (I hope) that if SHE understands that you are angry because she made you worry unnecessary, she might be more inclined to learn from it and not repeat it.
Using silent treatment is not helping either of you.
Or just tell her, I'm kind mad and I can't really talk to you about it right now because I don't want a row/fight. Tell you are GLAD that she is OK, but isn't quite ready to talk. It is honest and hopefully will give her food for thought.
She might not have texted you because she was thinking you were sleeping, so she might have thought SHE was being considerate. This is why I think you two need to talk about it and sort out what "rules" would work for BOTH of you next time.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (20 October 2016):
I would be annoyed as well. If she could not find a taxi then why not call you? Or at least send you a message to tell you not to worry. Sounds very odd to me. In general do you trust her? Maybe she has made a genuine mistake. But I think you should avoid contact and wait until you have calmed down to talk to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): I don't blame you for being pissed off! She should have texted you to let you know, you live together of course you'd be worried!
When I go out I am always conscious about my fiancé and text him he would kill me if it was 10am and no word
Has she said sorry? When in a relationship you have to consider the other person
You need to try and calm down and talk to her let her know how you feel there is no point in lingering it out make it clear it must not happen again
...............................
A
male
reader, Jammin75 +, writes (20 October 2016):
Jammin75 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply. She said that they couldn't find a taxi. In a busy city? Really?? I just don't buy it! Suffice to say, we haven't really spoke tonight (and I'm not a silent sulky type!). I'm just so p*ssed off, but I don't want to say anything I'll regret, she knows I'm annoyed. I don't want to carry it on, but really couldn't even be a*sed sending one text. It just doesn't add up if you ask me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2016):
Honestly? I would have been upset too.
If work would pay for the taxi home, WHY stay in a hotel? Who wouldn't rather just get home and sleep?
But less on that and more of a - she told you the "plan" but didn't stick to it and didn't let you know that "plan" changed" - which I find rather inconsiderate. What IF something had happened to her?
I think it's irresponsible and inconsiderate of her. And I would let her know that. I would also (without getting angry) ask her how SHE would FEEL if the roles were reversed?
...............................
|
