A
female
age
30-35,
*earlyConfused
writes:A month or so ago I wrote about having a great connection with a man who was 57 and older than me. I thank all the aunts and uncles again for all the wonderful advice. I sat back and thought everything through and I got to know him better. Unfortunately, the great connection has led me to feel not romantic love but friendship love. He is a good man but this isn't the right lifetime...For example, I want to be a mother. He had a vasectomy some thirty years ago and even if it was reversed, he would still be low in fertility. When we spoke about it, he suggested adoption or another donor. I'm open to adoption but I have always wanted my own. I also don't feel listened to at times. For example, I'll tell him that I will be in class and he'll call three or four times during that time which is very distracting. This happens all the time. If I don't answer a call (which happens)I'll look at the time and see it's too late too call back and go to sleep. My phone will be on "Do not disturb" and will only ring if family members try to reach me. But I'll wake up to 12 missed calls in the morning from him. I have also told him that work is a HUGE priority for me now. He doesn't seem to understand this either. He says he does but doesn't seem to. The biggest thing though is that I have told him that I don't think I can do a relationship with him, I was honest and let him know that I'd rather be good friends. He keeps asking me though and refers to himself as my "future boyfriend/husband." He says that I can just be with him for a year if I want and he'd be fine-or until he passes away and then, I can "re-start" my life. I said that was so unfair! Why fall someone and basically wait for them to pass on so I can have a different style of living? It just sounded awful in my mind...I know there are no guarantees in life but still...The last conversation we had left me very much concerned. I told him I could not accompany him to dinner because I had to work and he became very down. He said I was the only thing he had to live for and that he's in love with me...I felt my stomach drop. It was just so much. I really enjoy his company and honestly I still think that there is potential for a great friendship but he does not listen to this...Please, what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LiVTRus  +, writes (9 November 2016):
 "Please, what should I do?"
There is so simple advise- leave him immediately, if you don't want to be whacked to the wide.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (27 October 2016):
 He WANTS you to feel terrible! That is the whole point of what he's doing!
He's not trying to impress you, but to guilt you into giving him what he wants. He's a soul sucking vampire, not a decent man who has been dealt an unfair hand by a cruel world. That is why he's lonely and desperate. People figure out quickly that he is all about himself and they move on.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2016):
 Return the t-short and CDs. If you know when he is out of the office (or wherever he works) drop them off at that time.
The longer you LET him drag it out the LONGER this will go on. He will go from being this "admirer" to a stalker.
Cut him loose 100% - don't feel bad for him. He will be OK. Guys like that know how to scam kindhearted women. And he KNOWS how to pick women who are NICE and think of others before themselves.
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female
reader, DearlyConfused +, writes (26 October 2016):
DearlyConfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,Thank you for taking the time to read and answer. I felt terribly sad cause he seems so lonely and is dealing with so much but you were right-it would be so cruel to just lead him on. I tried talking to him again about this. He kept cutting me off and saying that this happens every time he meets someone he cares about. He said he loved me again and to please not walk away because of the age difference. But I felt like I did overlook the age difference when I first met out by even going out with him and trying to see where it would go...I felt very charmed by him and his personality and thought that the connection I felt could go far. But when I asked you all for advice, you guys told me to really think it through and spend time getting to know him. You were right. And then, how to ever introduce him to my family? He's older than my mother and about the same age as my father. We were on the phone and he sounded tearful. I feel so bad. He asked him to do him a favor and wait a week before I give him a final answer. I felt so bad I agreed despite knowing that I wouldn't change my mind. Then he said, I'll wait however long you want if you need me. He said if it was the kids thing, I could have someone else father the children and he doesn't care. I said that it wasn't it and that it wasn't fair of him to say that...I've been ignoring calls and messages. We work a block from each other so he drops by and just makes small-talk. Today, he left me a t-shirt from a band we had agreed we liked and two CDs. I feel terrible and want to return them. I just feel on edge now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2016): This man is clingy and needy and you know you can't just be friends because already he's been emotionally blackmailing you saying he's got nothing else to live for and he's in love.
You need to cut him off completely otherwise he's going to keep harassing you. There are plenty of available women in his own age group that he'll have a lot more in common with so you don't need to worry about him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 October 2016):
 No. No friendship. He's not interested in friendship. All of his attentions towards you are because he wants you. Because he is desperate, he has made concessions no man should make, as in the "year" thing. That made me sad for him...if I were he, I'd tell him to snap out of it and find someone closer to his age as a life partner.
As for you, you can't reject him but still want his attention in your life. In fact, wanting a friendship but not him is really cruel to try to push for. Basically you're saying to him "You're good for favors or when I need you for emotional support or time, but you're not good enough to have all of me, and when I find someone else, you're dropped anyways".
Walk away for good. Break it off all the way. Do not keep talking to him. Do not lead him on or give him hope by remaining in his life. End it so he can find someone who loves him back, and you can't have this sort of baggage around when you find someone you're interested in.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Sweetie he does not want you as a friend. I know that is sad and you will miss him but you need to accept that he wants more. He sounds very selfish and doesn't seem to care about what you think or feel, he just wants to be with you maybe to boost his ego as you are a lot younger. Maybe he just wants someone to share his life with but sweetie that is not you as you have realized. The best thing for both off you is if you tell him you cannot be that person for him. He is manipulating you and trying to make you feel sorry for him.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 October 2016):
There is ZERO potential for a friendship here, great or otherwise because friendship is far less than this man wants. It's like trying to convince someone to start liking banana splits or tofu, just because YOU like them. The man is lonely and desperate, not because the world is a cruel place, but because no one likes being around him. He is entirely self absorbed and when people get the measure of him, which doesn't take long, they lose interest and move on. He's clingy and persistent because he doesn't care about other people, their schedules, their wishes or their boundaries. When we met others we assume they have a job or, depending on their age, are in school, unless they give us reason to think otherwise (or specifically tell us). You've already told him and he still calls you while you're at work. Notice how he doesn't even try to win your affection. He tries to guilt you into giving him what he wants knowing it is the opposite of what YOU want. Think about it: after you got to know him better you didn't find him romantically attractive. You're already losing interest in him. Eventually you'll grow bored with him altogether, so don't fight it. Let go of this pipe dream of being wonderful friends. If he were a wonderful man, he'd have plenty of friends.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2016):
I think your best bet is to forgo friendship (he can't be a friend) and forgo contact overall.
He is trying pity manipulation on you right now. To make you FEEL so sorry for him that you don't dump him. The thing is.. YOU can not FORCE yourself to love someone JUST because that person WANTS you to.
You have already found that you don't love him romantically and you can't really and honestly see a future with him. So the BEST thing (for both of you) would be to end whatever is going on and cut the contact 100%. BLOCK him. IF he uses other numbers, don't answer and BLOCK BLOCK away.
His suggest that you "give" him a year, it's ridiculous. But that he is thinking ONLY about HIM and HIS wants, not you.
You know what you need to to do. But keeping him around you are hurting him more than if you dump, cut and walk away.
He sounds rather immature for a supposedly grown man.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 October 2016):
 Honestly, I think you're too incompatible for a relationship. For starters, becoming a father at 60 isn't great and it wouldn't be wise to have children sooner than 3 years with him (after marriage, for security). He's also very clingy and not respectful of your schedules.
I also think you're incompatible as friends because he doesn't want that. He doesn't get anything from a 22 - 25 year old friend, but he would from a 22 - 25 girlfriend.
I'm sorry, OP, but I think this is a case of cutting contact and both moving on.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (20 October 2016):
 I think I remember your question. And since youve taken our advice and have felt yourself falling out of love and into friendship with him only,listen to your feelings and your heart and your needs.
He sounds like hes so much older and doesnt understand the demands of the younger modern world. Youre working and have so much to live for---you can still have a great career and be a loving mother to your own children. Start dating men your age and I think youll see you can enjoy life with someone who is your equal in experience and meet you in your stride/situation in life.
That gentleman just too much older than you sweetie, I think what you felt was an initial crush but that usually wanes after realizing who you are and want you want and what will work for you. If hes not respecting your boundaries, tell him exactly what you feel. "I feel only a great friendship with you (Name). I hope you can respect my feelings and my boundaries, especially my work hours and I hope you find what youre seeking but for now, I can only offer you my friendship."
And immediately go on with your life. Only reply and see him when you know it is about being friends, re-arrange your life so you can be in charge and yet warm and friendly to people. He will get the jest and move on hopefully. Good luck =)
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