A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Married for 7 years with 2 chilren, have had normal ups and downs but very good marriage. My wife had been with 6 other men before me, and I was a virgin. We got married right out of high school so I know these encounters she had were just "dumb teenagers" but I still hate it - knowing that someone took something from her that I didnt, and never can... We have discussed this many times but my thoughts about these other men still haunt me regularly. The thought of other people being intimate with my wife eats at me, i get a visual picture that is very disturbing to me and i cant let it go. I often think i want to be with another women to see how it is and what is different about it - but maybe I just want to get "even". I knew about the other men before we got married and I had suspicions that it would haunt me, and now it is. The feelings seem to come and go off and on, but recently for some unknown reason its really bringing me down. Any advice would be grand. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I have almost the same fact pattern howerve my wife's number is a little higher. I have been married for 18 years. It bothered me a lot when she first told me and we almost broke up. I love her and she is a great wife and mother. It bothered me the first 2 years of marriage and then I got it out of my head. After that I would only think about it for 2 or 3 times a year for a few minutes or so. Then suddenly in year 18 I'm obsessing on it for no reason. I have no idea what triggered it. I do not think having an afair will help you so I don't recommend that. You will feel guilty and could lose your whole family. I'm assuming over time it will go away for me to back to where it was onl a few minutes a year. But I feel your pain, I know what you are going thru.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): I totally understand why this bothers you. I really do.
But the truth is that you can go sleep with 25 women and you still won't really feel "even" about it. It might make you feel better for a short time in the sexual conquest/ego sense of it, but it won't stop your frustration about the situation of your wife's history at all. And it definitely will begin to ruin you marriage.
Nothing will ever really remove your frustration about your wife's history Nothing.
Nothing.
Getting yoked to a lifetime partner who has had a much different sexual history than you brings problems. It's that simple.
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (4 January 2008):
 God give me the strength to smite these retards.
How the crap did you manage to get married and have kids?
Stop being a jealous moron.
yes she had sex with other men. is she playing hide the sausage with them now? are they parking the beef bus in tuna town now? NO!!!
and why is this... because you're married to her and that its self is suppose to mean something.
and you're willing to throw it all away because you want to satisfy what you're considering "getting even"
Take a good long look in the mirror.
an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years
which one are you?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2008):
 This is an unfixable problem. There is no getting even either. The past is past. You either decide to put it out of your mind and move forward or leave your lovely wife. She can't change what happened in the past and neither can you. I'd seek counseling before I do anything drastic however or you may be regretting YOUR past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): I really like the answer of the anon female who wrote the long 4 paragraph answer. My wife and I both agree completely with what she said, so there is no point in me repeating any of it.
I have gone through somewhat the same situation with my wife. We were in our early 30s when we both got divorced and we had both had only one sex partner, our first spouses. However, she got divorced 3 years before me and had a lot of partners in that time and she was my first after my divorce. The difference is that she wanted me to date others before I settled on her and I did for a couple of years. One of the women who I dated was very nice and I had good times with her, including the sex. However, the best sex that either my wife and I have ever had is with each other. The last woman who I was with before I stopped looking was a 1 night stand and it was the least enjoyable sex that I had ever had. There was nothing there. Believe me, just screwing someone is not as much fun as you might think. The one woman who I dated and my wife are the only ones after my first wife where the sex was really enjoyable and that was because we had some beginnings of a feeling of love between us. Sex without some love is not really very good.
The sex that my wife had with all of the men between her first husband and me was not very good for her. She just got screwed by most of the men and did not enjoy it much. Some were pretty good, but she has told me that her first time with me was much better. That was because I did not think that she owed me sex on our first date like the others did and I showed a lot of affection when we did have sex for the first time. She wishes that she had not had sex with some of the men, but that cannot be changed now. I sometimes have wished that I could have sex with someone else again because I had only a few partners before I decided that I was not being fair to her, even though she wanted me to date others before I settled on her. It is way too late for me to catch up now that we are married and it is for you also.
Possibly the best sex that my wife and I have ever had is now, and we are both in our 60s. We did have great and more sex in our 30s, but we have even more love for the other now and that is what makes it really good. My wife agrees with the female anon that her first few times were not very good. Her first time was with her first husband when they were dating. She remembers that it hurt and after she had the feeling of, "Is this all that there will ever be?" It was a real disappointment for her. Look at it this way. This is probably how your wife felt with her first partners, maybe all six. If you had been her first then she may have had that disappointment with you. However, her first time with you was probably great and she probably felt very happy afterwards and not disappointed.
The first time is different for men and women. I have heard it many times that it is a disappointment for women. It hurts, then don't have a orgasm until after many sexual experiences and they are afraid that this is all that there is. For men, we have an orgasm almost every time that we have sex and it is like, "WOW, I finally got laid. This was great!" Look at it this way - the first time that you and your wife had sex it was probably great for both of you and not just a disappointment for her.
You will probably have these thoughts on and off as I have had. Sometimes they will bother you and other times they will be out of your mind. If your wife is willing to talk about them then do so, but do not make her feel bad about herself. My wife knows that I am still dissapointed in her behavior, but she also knows that I love her very much and show it to her. Our sex has varied over the years, but our sex from our mid 30 until now has been the most enjoyable and most exciting sex that either one of us has ever had. If you don't allow your feelings to get the best of your marriage then your love and sex together will get even better as time goes on. That doesn't mean that you have to forget about her first partners. You never will. You can even talk to her about if it makes you feel better. If you don't make her feel dirty then she will probably want to help you with your feelings. Treat her with kindness and love and she will want to help you feel better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): The anonymous female readers below got it right on! Do not put your marriage in jeopardy, and the future well-being of your children, over this. For your own sake, get over it! My best loves in life had been with others before me. You are her man now. Enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): It shouldn't matter. You should get over it. It's just one of those things and you sleeping with someone else to get even is ludicrous.
It could just as easily have been the other way round, what matters is that you are together now, and if you can't get over this then you should move as your wife has done nothing to be ashamed of and this is your issue.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 January 2008):
 I am sure this is bothering your wife as well if you have discussed this with her at length. If she is aware how much it is bothering you then you have probably made her feel very inadequate. How awful for her. She didn't do this to you.
I think you need to find a way to get past this and to treat her with respect if as you say you have a good marriage. If you can't, then these feelings will not only destroy your marriage and family but also perhaps your lovely wife.
Remember...she can not change what has been done and it was not done to you.
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A
male
reader, Dangly +, writes (2 January 2008):
get over it mate, if you want to ruin your families life, go ahead and be selfish and cheat on your wife. OR you can be a grown up, get over yourself and love your wife. I promise you, if u cheat on her, you will lose her and will regret it for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): She slept with boys, not men, so I can't imagine any of it was very pleasing for her. Perhaps she was a bit insecure and needed male validation. Or maybe peer pressure. Maybe she was just out for a bit of fun. Either way, I am sure that the visions you have in your head are nothing like what actually went down. You may be picturing wonderful love scenes, but in reality it was probably a lot of "ow" "wrong hole" "is it in yet?" "you're on my hair" "is the condom still on?" "oh, you're done already?" etc. Lots of disappointment. And nothing meaningful. Kids experiment, it doesn't mean she has/had any real feelings for them or that she remembers the experiences fondly. Another thing, what makes you think virginity is so precious? Honestly, the first time isn't that fabulous and probably not that memorable for a girl (especially if she loses it to a young lad, 14-18 year olds generally have no idea what they are doing and finish very quickly). The most memorable first time for a woman is her first time with a man she loves- not the first time someone sticks it in her. Sex is just sex but GOOD sex, loving sex and meaningful sex- that is something worth cherishing and remembering. And it is something worth holding onto.Do not risk your marriage to your wife in order to "get even". Whatever other girls you find out there, the sex won't be as good as it is when you have an intimate emotional and loving connection with the person you are doing it with. And that is what your wife has with you, and that is something she didn't have with the 6 other boys that she experimented with in high school. I'm sure she doesn't spare a second thought to her past, so you should stop thinking about it as well. In fact, if you stopped bringing it up, I am sure the memories she has would fade away into nothingness, in your mind and hers.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): u should not punish your wife for you not being as experienced as her when you married. you knew of this situation and it is wrong of you to do this to your wife. if you love her you will forget about it and move on with your wife and concertrate on your love for her x
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A
male
reader, Uraz  +, writes (2 January 2008):
 I have been telling in this site all along that, a woman's past concerns man, and in many cases, likes yours haunts them. It is how you made up of. But the idea that you can get even sounds absurd to tell you the truth. It wont help you at all to forget about her past and you will feel worse rather than better by cheating on your wife. She did not cheat on you.My book tells me that morality, wrong or right, good or bad are relative concepts.I would judge a person's character, goodness, in terms of what he/she percieves of good or bad, in relation to the given society, environment and family she is living in.When sleeping with 6 other boys, she was not taught to percieve herself to be doing a bad thing, she was doing what majority of her friends were doing. Her friends, her family or teh community she lived in did not consider wrong what she was doing.So in that respect after she slept with 6 boys, she was not dirty, she was not weird and committed no wrong to you.In my eyes, she has been a normal and a decent girl. If you, before she slept with those six guys, told her that you would be with her for the rest of her life, she would not have selpt with them and she would have stayed virgin for your, most probably. But you did not tell her this:) and in fact you did not chose (I guess) to remain virgin for her).If you look at her eyes and -rather that visualise her normal past before you- see a loyal committed decent girl who you are lucky to have and really really love her, all the redundant visions will fade away and will become meaningless.
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