A
male
age
51-59,
*amian666
writes:hi i am 38 years old , never married or engaged . I thought maybe i had commitment issues and always thought the grass was greener on the other side . One year ago i met a lady , a single mother and got on really well with her six year old child.We met of a dating site and was happy to have met someone i found intelligent , sexy , fun and so i thought normal ! we dated for 3 months and then it came to light that she was going through my phone and checking for my text contact or call contact with other females , whether friend or ex partners .I do admit that generally my dating only lasted for about 3-6 months as i thought i was just scared of the seriousness of how it was getting . Then i actually thought maybe i was just waiting for the right one to come along and was told by family and friends it will happen one day !! So here we go !!!! she finished with me over two texts from an old flame that basicly read " if youre still single maybe we could catch up as i am working in your area for two days soon " I agreed and said i was actually dating someone but saw no reason not to catch up as we were still friends .Fatal mistake ... did not tell girlfriend and was thought to have been seeing someone else behind her back so she left me . This i do understand completely . we talked by text over a three month period , she told me trust was gone , could not go back , never feel the same about me etc . then informed me she was dating another guy now , so i let it be and tried to move on . I felt sick inside , could not work or sleep, all i could think about was god i had found the one i loved and had made a pigs ear of it over a meeting with an ex i was no longer interested in romanticly .So i tried dating others and just wanted to leave as soon as i arrived.Three weeks after the bombshell of another man she text me to say " i have finished with him , thought i was over you but i am not, i cant be with someone else if i am still in love with you " i said ok and that i was terribly sorry for my behaviour and that i do realise i have a mountain of feelings for her i did not realise i had till the split and was so sorry it took that to make me realise my emotions and feelings .We met went out a few times then she decided she did not feel the same as she had and that the time together had shown her that the love she thought she still had was not enough to keep us together . By this time i had got involved with her six year old daughter again , babysat , taken her out etc . I was absolutely devastated by this new revelation ! i had waited, not slept with anyone else on her say so that she just needed a bit of time . Then she told me that some of the problem was that she had been an escort when short of money two years previous , and she was worried i would find out and leave her . I decided and told her i did not care about that and was before my time and we have all made mistakes and that i could live with the fact . She then asked me to wait again whilst she went to see a councellor .. so i waited .She informed me she felt better about herself and the chance of a relationship with me, so we went out for dinner , during dinner agreed to let sleeping dogs lie and not to dwell on the past and look for a future together . By ten am the next morning she had changed her mind and informed me she cant let what i did to her go and cant see me any more . We discussed by text over a few weeks , and i sent poetry , flowers , music to her . she said just give it time . she then called two weeks later and asked if i would like to come to dinner on fri night , i replied cant do fri but am happy to come saturday night . This i thought gives her 24 hrs to change her mind !! . i text her sat lunchtime " still ok for tonight ?" she replied yes looking forward to it . I arrived , we ate , we talked, all ok . I left her house with the understanding of lunch on sunday with her and daughter .... by time i had driven 10 miles i got a text .. " sorry cant do it , wish i could , cant let past go , dont trust you never will .. please just let it go and no more contact . This shocked me yet again as ten min earlier all was ok . next day i bought her an eternity ring to show my commitment to her and her daughter and that i was not here for the ride but for thr long term . She accepted it and said meet on the weekend . On thursday night she arrived on my doorstep with ring in hand and gave it back to me , telling me it will never happen between us and she will never contact me again . I did not contact her for 14 days , she knew i went to work in france and i thought ok , is time to let go and move on with my life . I met a nice lady 6 weeks later , we went out dinner dancing etc .The sick feeling of loss and being able to sleep and not constantly think about how i had lost the love of my life and how i would not get to see the little girl grow up and evolve into a teenager was starting to subside and i could smile again .... Then the text !!!! " i have had a good look at myself over last few weeks and am sorry for my behaviour , i have been sat here thinking of you and have decided 100% i want us to be together .. i want you and me and my daughter to be together and i do love you with all my heart . i do mean it this time as you have not contacted me and i have had time to think and i really want this .Can you find it in your heart to forgive me ? " i replied that i still loved her but was not able to say yes straight away , but i would keep in contact and hopefully would get to the point i could trust the fact she was serious this time , i also told her i was dating someone and that i was not going to leave her just because she had decided to want me . she agreed and said she will prove she is serious and i will see the change . Over 4 weeks she text me regularly " i miss you , want you , love you , 100% commited to us etc " we went out, took her daughter ice skating , dinner , walk my dog etc , all seemed ok . i started to let my barriers down !! new years eve she asked me to spend it with her , i said no i dont want the emotion of the night to get in the way of us and her feelings , but i would not be spending it with my new girlfriend either . She sent me a picture of her and her daughter on new years eve and said wish you were here we love you so much . That night i called new girlfriend and said so so so sorry cant be with her , my heart is elsewhere and i cant string her along . I got a taxi to my ex,s house and told her what i had done .. she said .. " oh .. ermmm ,, i dont think i can do this with you , so sorry i am just so scared of it , not sure i can let past go !!!! " Question :Am i mad ? stupid ? sad? deserving of this mental torture? flogging a dead horse?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, cdjudd  +, writes (28 January 2009):
I am currently going through the same situation. My ex-girlfriend and I started off with a year of nothing but perfection. But one day everything just changed dramatically. She went from being all about me to being distant. Anyway, after 2 1/2 years of going through everything you went through(I mean everything) it finally just escalated into her becoming abusing, so I left. I understand the feeling of knowing you can't do anything and that it will never change but also knowing you miss her. But what I learned from my ex was it will never change until you COMPLETELY remove yourself out of the picture. Only then will she even come close to figuring things out. Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Well it might actually help if Damian gave the whole TRUE story.
We met on a dating agency and after 3 dates i told Damian that i felt i wanted a relationship with him and i was going to come off the dating agency and asked whether he would do the same. He said of course as he felt he had no need to be on there now.
This was not what he did, he stayed on the agency, carried on chatting up girls and even arranged to meet one in Birmingham for a weekend. When we went out girls whether they were ex-girlfriends or just aquantancies were all over him all the time, and he flirted back in front of me. I tried to talk to him about it, he knew how much his behavior hurt and upset me. I found out he was still on the dating agency, i confronted him and he denied it said it was his friend not him. But it was not as i then started to look at his phone and emails and i knew it was him. I felt terrible that i was going behind his back checking up on him but i needed to know that i wasn't going mad and making it all up in my head. I so wanted to beieve him everytime he told me 'i don't want anyone else, why would i swap you for anyone else' I really loved him and because he and my daughter got on so well i didn't want to ruin what i really want which is the family unit again so tried to carry on as normal even though it was eating me up inside.
This went on for 6 months and in this time i was made to feel worthless, stupid and paranoid. I did not sleep or eat as all i could think about was what can i do to make him realise i am enough for him, how can i make him want me and not these other girls. After 6 months i had had enough and finished it.I met another guy, he made me feel good about myself and i stopped the sick, paranoid feelings as i knew i could trust him and there was no need to check up on him or that there was any hidden agenda.
Damian was obviously shocked that i had finished it and meant it this time and he inundated me with text, flowers saying how sorry he was and there would never be anyone else again. About 8 weeks later because i still did have genuine feelings for him and because i so wanted the family thing and he and my daughter were already close i decided to finish with other guy and give Damian another go.
Of course i found it very hard as the trust had been so abused in the past that i did still look at his phone and i found that whilst he had been declaring his undying love for me he had been out with other women. I was not happy about it, not because i was being a hypocrite as i had been seeing someone but because if he had really wanted to prove to me that nonone but me would do why would he even consider seeing someone else.
Anyway this has now gone on for the past 4 months and yes i admit i have told him, yes i love you, want you etc... because i genuinely did feel that. But when we are together i feel so insecure, every time his phone goes i'm thinking its another girl. And i finish it as quickly as i started it again as i just can't handle being hurt again. So yes i have major trust issues but not with every man in general just with Damian and i think anyone comparing stories with a sane mind will see that i have every reason to mistrust him and to be scared to believe that he can commit and mean it. I have a daughter and i am NOT a bad mother, i am trying to protect her from being caught up in a situation that could hurt her. Whenever Damian and i decided to give it a go i did not ever tell my daughter that we were back together just that we were friends as this way she would not get hurt if it did not work out.
Anyway i guess everyone has an opinion but you should really hear both sides of a story before you judge !
Damian if you read this i'm sorry but you haven't told the whole story and i felt i needed to say my bit. I know i've hurt you over the last few months and i am genuinely sorry for that. But obviously enough is enough now and i really do wish you all the best, i do wish it could all have ended differently, if only it was this time last year we have both learnt alot in that time!!. xxx
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (3 January 2008):
Even though your situation is more complicated and you are more older,i'm going through a similar situation with my ex.Only that i'm the one who keeps asking her back even after she breaks up with me.Even though some people think men are naturally heart breakers,i've learnt to realise that some women are incapable of loving and just end up breaking men's hearts.I'm sure her indecision must be causing alot of pain in you and as long as you hold on to her you'll still experience the same pain.Her indecision will always make you insecure as you'll never know when she'll change her mind again.I don't believe you are mad,stupid or any of those things you said.I guess you are trying to do what your heart's telling you.For your sake i hope she finally changes her mind to commit to you or else i would advise you to forget about her,unless you are strong like me and don't mind being hurt over and over again.
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A
female
reader, Whitestarr  +, writes (3 January 2008):
You aren't mad - your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend is. It seems that she wants something from you & you don't really know what it is, so you can't give it to her and so she doesn't know whether you are the right one or not. Anyway, try to forget her for a while.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 January 2008):
 I feel for you. I think you are the most admirable man to have gone through all that you went through with this woman. No one can say you didn't try. I think she has a serious issue and try as I may, I'm even thinking that some of this has been deliberate behavior. She's put you through the wringer and yet you kept going back.
This time, stay away. It seems as if the only way she wants you is when she doesn't have you. I'd say there is a very good chance she will do this to you again when you've moved on and least expect it. Don't go back to her.
Look at it this way. She is also causing damage to her daughter whom I am sure has made a bond with you. If you go back and forth like a ping pong this will only cause issues for her. So, really you are doing the little girl a favor by moving on too. So do it for you and do it for the little girl.
Let's all pray the little girl can find some stability in this world because mommy is not doing right by her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Certainly not. Mind games and mental torture can be as bad as physical, even worse. You are probably on the threshold of despair but "the sick feeling of loss" started to SUBSIDE as you were dating another person and I'm certain when you will have assimilated the last incidents you will be able to rediscover tranquility, and tranquility is said to be a choice! The fact she gave you a warm-cold relationship has done nothing but considerable harm, now it's within your jurisdiction to put this in your past and rebuild a tranquil existence. This woman is either plainly villain, either is in need of deep councelling to treat acute and imminent trust issues, perhaps incurable. This is not a matter of your concern now, as you have already been rejected any intromission.
I recommend to CLOSE ALL doors to this woman. There is no need to have two damaged people in your story instead of only one, simply do not allow yourself to be dragged into this emotional turmoil once again and give yourself time to circumvent this impasse. This will be possible as soon as you accept nobody shares responsibly for somebody else's wicked and unstable actions. A change is long overdue.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): Jeeze, man, you are being tortured by this woman. Run! No really, dude, run faster......She sounds like a real nutcase and she will only give you major heartburn.
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