A
male
age
36-40,
*txi
writes:I met this girl online 8 years ago, we have been friends since then up until now. 2 Years ago we started talking a lot more personally and soon fell into a mutual love.During the last two years me and her have shaped eachother's lives. I do not exaggerate when I mention the degree of support that we gave eachother, (even after we broke up we admitted this to eachother) as well as guidance and mutual discoveries about ourselves. The more we discovered about ourselves the closer we became.I was always there for her, to support her in any way that I could. We could always make eachother laugh and more than a few times we made a bad day for eachother good.We only found out about how we both felt earlier this year, then we started dating. We met for the first time about 3 months later as I managed to visit her on a work VISA for the summer. Needless to say that we were both incredibly excited.When we first met things went great, we both admitted that we had never been happier (there was a lot of emotion and a real chemistry that I could feel). But afterwards I allowed my own confidence and closeness issues to get the better of me and became a little emotionally distant. This combined with a high sex drive on both sides led to the following situation:Essentially the main factor was the lack of a connection between me and her. I think that we had the right chemistry when we met, but instead of moving into deeper feelings of love brought on by getting to know one another, we both stayed in bed. We didn't start right early on and instead focussed on hanging out more than getting to know one another, this created a more or less friendship dynamic, but not a love match.This led to the relationship not living up to the dreams that we were both hoping for. With our lack of time, constant nagging from her housemates about the relationship not being right (I never met her housemates, they based it purely on the distance) and pressures of uni for her and work for me the relationship soon spiralled into something that just wasn't going to work. Although we got back together and kept trying through mutual love there just wasn't enough communication between us to make it happen. We were both very inexperienced in relationships and didn't know how to express ourselves, she also puts pressure onto herself when relationships don't work.Anyway, since we broke up 3 months ago things haven't felt right, even for a couple that has split. So recently I sent her a message hoping that it was just from my side and that after a bit of no contact we would be fine again.Not so, she sent me a message back to the effect that she believes that we were doomed to not work from the start because we met online, meaning we never got to know eachother properly. I strongly disagree with this and know that while it can be a problem it was not with us. We were both very truthful and discussed this issue when we first met. I also don't believe that we would have had those isolated moments of real emotional connection whilst I was there had it all been false, nor that we would have gotten along so well in the first place.But worst of all she has stated that she now feels repulsed by the memories of us being intimate with eachother because she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. She had never even been topless with a guy before, we did much more than that. But I never pressured her, she said that it was what she wanted at the time and I know that she always enjoyed it as well. (this only gets better, my closeness issues are to do with a previous vindictive girlfriend spreading nasty rumours about my performance in bed behind my back)I don't know if it was my lack of confidence that has made her feel repulsed, the changing of the dynamic to being more of a friendship one, or if she just now has sour memories of everything.It seems like she has basically taken the negative aspects from the end of the relationship and tainted all of her previous memories with them. Even going as far to say that she was only dating me because she needed someone to date (which is rubbish, she told me that she wasn't dating me for that reason when we were in love. She also turned down dates from people who were physically closer to her in order to be with me)I sent her a reply saying why I think we broke up and admitting to her for the first time that I allowed my lack of confidence to affect how I acted (other mutual friends commented on how I was acting different at the time, which was when I realised what I had done) Trying to reason with her why it didn't work, not to win her back but to allow us both to move on with good memories.I don't know if this is due to her still having raw emotions over something she had such high hopes for (when I was in the country she told me that she envisioned marrying me one day), or that because she began to date someone else so soon afterwards she never had time to look back over what happened between us and see the good parts (she talked about that briefly, saying that she was trying to avoid any relationships but at the same time she had just met this guy and things clicked, I understand and accept that). I don't know if it's a typical defence response used by some people to prevent the breakup hurting them so much.I just want her to look back and think "Yes, it didn't work out but it could have done. It was a good relationship and I had fun."Thankyou for reading.
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broke up, confidence, got back together, met online, move on, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Itxi +, writes (8 December 2010):
Itxi is verified as being by the original poster of the question We did speak about whether we were the same as we both expected the other to be, and we agreed that we were. I don't believe that it was a problem of truly getting to know eachother. (sure, there were some aspects that were new, but nothing that would have ruined the relationship)
Anyway, whilst I would like to have another chance with this girl, I am not making any attempts to do so. I merely wish that she could at least be happy about what we had. I'm not worried about her having moved on, I accept that she already has.
Thankyou anon, I hope that she does look back at it one day with fondness.
I agree that the connection didn't carry across, but I don't think that it was due to any incompatibilities, merely other factors. Anyway, like you said, no point focussing on the what-ifs.
But what I really want, is to know if there is some way to convince her that she doesn't need to feel this way. That it could have worked and that she needn't think that everything she did was for, in her eyes, someone that didn't exist.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (8 December 2010):
This is the reason why I think online relationships don't pan out. When your connection to someone is through bits an bytes, then basically you're grasping air. Meeting that online representation in real life is always different from what you had in mind. That's why it didn't work. You two expected that the online connection would seamlessly go on in real life and it just doesn't work that way.
You two tried, it didn't work, you are both distraught that it didn't turn out to be the fairytale you thought it was going to be. She has written it off and you want to give it a new shot. Don't. You have already wasted your time with this, no point in trying to save something that cannot be saved. I'm sorry but as hard as it may be, it's better to let go and start over fresh. And DON'T do it online.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Obviously you have thought all this through deeply. Your conclusion is that you would like her to look back fondly on you regardless of what happened. No doubt she will at some stage. All the people we meet on life's way have an impact on us. But you seem not to have fully recovered from the loss of what you thought you had. Transferring an outline friendship into something deeper in real life is always going to be tricky. You didn't manage it. It will always be painful when your hopes are dashed. Try not to agonise about 'might have beens' and if only you had done things differently it might have been ok. You will only torment yourself and make it harder to get over it and look forward.
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