A
male
age
30-35,
*ragtagonal
writes:My relationship has become a twisted vortex of confusion and I need to get some opinions before I explode. Its gonna be a long one so get ready.October 20th I break up with my girlfriend. We were having problems, quite a few that I was causing myself, that I felt I needed to fix so I could be a better person. I suggested we go on a break, but she said she did not believe in breaks and that they couldn't work. We kept fighting and hurting too much so I said we should break up and get back together soon after talking it out without the pressure of a title.October 22nd She spends the night in the bed of Ben, a friend of her's from school. Oh, I forgot to mention, even though we live quite close, she goes to college in Massachusettes and I go in New Jersey. So she spends the night with this kid, nothing but cuddling, but still.October 25th We start talking about getting together. About what we could change to get back together. October 28th I find out that she has been "sleeping" with Ben, and lose my cool. Understandable right? We were talking about fixing us and she was with another guy, even if it wasn't in a sexual way, it hurt.October 31st She comes down for Halloween and we really hash it out. She tells me some stuff that she should have told me while we were dating, nothing bad, just that she never really communicated her feelings properly. We fight it out. The last words she said were "Me and Ben are probably going to be a better couple than you and me anyway." The context was joking, but it really hurt regardless. I called her later that night and said I couldn't see us back together because I felt betrayed.November 1-14th The timeline gets a little fuzzy here so bear with me. We keep talking, I call her and we talk, sometimes for hours at a time about how we both fucked up, about what happened in October. Nothing really friendly. I facebook stalk her constantly. Sometime in between these two dates I tell her that I most definitely want her back. She is going out on dates with Ben at the time which really sucks because she switched to him so quickly. I told her I needed her back, I loved her, my life sucked without her, I cried over the phone and she said something along the lines of "what do you want me to do?" I called my mom and she consoled me. "If you really love her you'll wait, no masculine bullshit, none of that matters." So i call her back and say, calm now, that her and Ben can do whatever, and when they fall through I'll be waiting to take her back.November 14th-24th She visits. Drives down with her friends and visits to see what it feels like to be with me. She spends two days, we hug, we kiss, its like we are dating again. It was amazing. Then she says she still is going to date Ben. I'm confused and hurt now. So time goes on, and one of her friends hears her say, "I know it won't work out with Ben but I want to try anyway because Trevor will wait for me." I confront her about this and she refuses to commit to anything. Plenty of conversations happen over this time and eventually she admits she is strongly favoring me.Thanksgiving Break: She invited him to thanksgiving break with her family back when we were fighting and felt uncomfortable telling him he couldn't come now. The whole break lasts from a Tuesday until Sunday and she tells me we will talk on Sunday about serious things. Sunday rolls around and she says she wants me, but she can't be labeled boyfriend girlfriend again because of the pain from the break up. So i was like whatever thats fine, I just want a promise you won't date him anymore. She agreed to this, and told me that she had told Ben that they could only be friends. Ben was upset but said she should follow her heart or whatever. The next day she texts me all excited, says good morning and talks about how excited she is to hug me and hold me when we see each other again. Later that day she says I pressured her into making a decision (I didn't think I had pressured anyone) and that she didn't like the way it felt. A total 180 from before. So we talked on the phone again and I was pretty fed up with the up and down and I said, "I love you and apparently the best thing for you is to date Ben. It'll ruin us and It'll kill me but go ahead and do it." She said she wished she could date both of us and I said I'd try that, we both laughed. She said she wanted to be single for a while, not date anyone. I said that it was fine. I was here for her if she needed me and she should enjoy and be happy.November 30th She goes to see Ben and tells him that she picked him, which means she had lied to me on Monday about wanting to be single. She felt some weird vibes and asked him about them, he said he had fooled around with this girl back in October and didn't tell her cause they were just friends. She spent the night with him and fooled around which is a big deal for a conservative girl like her. Next morning she reads through his phone and finds out that on Monday night he was with this girl and had lied to both of them. She was upset and freaked.December Now present situation. I contact her because I am worried and we decide to try to get back together. I kinda feel bad because it took him "cheating"(even though they weren't together) to get her back to me. But I want to give it a chance and said that when winter break hits (December 16th) we would need to do some serious talking. She agreed, but wanted to talk about nothing serious until then because she was having school troubles and other troubles and couldn't handle more stress. So we're just being cute and flirting, and fantasizing about what we'll do over break and what cool dates we can try.December 6th She says she's going to hang out with Ben! She says she thinks he's gross now and I shouldn't worry. She said he was a good friend of her's before this all happened and she wants it to stay that way. Now I stated that he was scum, he lied to her, fooled around with another girl, used the other girl for sex whenever he was done about my ex (even though she loves him and wants to date him, he wants my ex), and not to mention lied! She was so upset 5 days earlier that I couldn't believe the switch. She basically said " We aren't a couple yet, deal with it" I can't believe she wants to spend time with him again, especially since he is still pining after her. So the main question I want to ask is, am I crazy for feeling uncomfortable about this? Is it a red flag that she is spending time with him already? If we were dating I'd ask her to stay away from her for now until I could regain my trust for her and then slowly ease him back in, but we aren't dating so I have no say. I'm going to wait until the 16th before seriously confronting her about this, but do I have a right to be upset and uncomfortable? Or am I just crazy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Don't believe her. The saying goes : the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Look at your own time line. She flips flops. She can't stick with one decision or one course of action. Why, who knows and who cares. the fact is that the only thing consistent about her, is her inconsistency.
You can bet that no matter what she says to you now, it will all change again later. Your time line will extend some more.
I think you don't really want her for who she is but just because you are being territorial. You can't stand the thought of having lost the relationship because the relationship didn't end on your terms. So that's why you want it back, so you won't have this awful feeling of having lost something that was at one time important to you. Or worse, that another guy gained what you had lost.
You know you don't really want her as a person, because even if you get her back now her actions have shown that it doesn't mean anything.
Don't say you will wait for her. This just gives her free license to date other guys while using you as a safety net, which is basically what she already admitted to doing anyway. Yes it could be that she will finally realize you are "the one" and return to you for real, but who knows how long that will take - 10 years??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): I say trust your gut man, it sounds like she's said this before and never followed through with it.
You know her a long time now dude, you know her probably better than anyone. Personally I think the damage is done. She shouldn't have had anything to do with him in the first place if she loved you.
To me after everything that's happened I think it's too little too late, because something tells me the only reason she's saying that is because he might be losing interest anyway.
Be careful man, trust your head and your gut feelings. try to ignore what your heart is saying because so far all your heart has done is led you down the garden path.
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A
male
reader, Fragtagonal +, writes (8 December 2010):
Fragtagonal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to her today, she said she'd stop talking to him and hanging out with him. I don't know what to think.
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A
male
reader, Fragtagonal +, writes (8 December 2010):
Fragtagonal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I know. I feel it, but I'm literally seeing her in person in eight days. I'm going to lay it all down and if she doesn't ditch ben, I'm out. I'm not getting invested anymore than I already am (which isn't very much after these few months), I'm just waiting and keeping in contact. I'm keeping notes of all the stuff that needs to be solved and if it doesn't get fixed that day then I'm out. I've already lost enough time to this break up. The only reason I'm still here was because of the amazing two years we spent together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Read this and trust your instincts. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
No matter what she says her and ben have been dating since that first night they got together. Stop listening to the words you so wish are true and start look at her behaviour.
You're chasing a lost cause. None of this "we're friends" (her and ben) crap is true, stuff did happen that first night, cuddling in bed with another guy is cheating it's emotional cheating. Yes it is, I don't believe for one second that all they did was cuddle either. Look you love her, you want her back but you're ignoring what she's doing in the hopes that what she tells you is true, when everything she does says it's not. You want to keep fighting this no win situation then go ahead, but you're just being played and you're being played bad too, because you really are just letting her walk all over you, she's cheating and dating another guy right in front of you, she's telling her friends that ben is better than you, she's told you over and over again that her and ben are together, then she turns around says they're not, she still tries to keep him after he cheated. So she has with ben what you have with her, she's hoping ben will cop on and get with her and she's willing to put up with him cheating just to have him, just the same as you are with her.
Why are you fighting this? Why are you willing to be her doormat? and no love is not an excuse, you can say you're acting foolish because you love her but that doesn't excuse the fact that you're letting her make a huge fool out of you, when it's obvious to everyone that she is.
Seriously dude, I looked at your October 22th part and thought "right the rest of this post is going to be about a guy wanting to know how to move on as he found out his girl cheated on him and made a bullshit excuse about cuddling"
October 25th I was like "oooh dangerous but fair enough the guy was giving it one more go, I can't blame him"
October 28th "oh damn that's harsh, sucks but at least now he knows, he tried and next will be the how do I get over her part"
October 31st "WTF? dude after all she did, you're still going with this? okay okay fair enough, at least now after the 'ben and me' comment he can't possibly be stupid enough to keep going with this girl" (no offence it's just what I though when I read it)
Everything after that part of your post makes absolutely no sense at all to me. The further I read into your post the more shocked I was you were letting yourself get played so badly. I mean really badly.
I mean it's gotten so bad for you, that you still have to ask whether this is a ll a red flag. Dude! The major red flag was 22th of October, now for nearly two months you've been convincing yourself that everything will fine if you just let her do what she wants and as long as just stick around she'll stop cheating on you, will realize she loves and not ben, and you will live happily ever after. No my friend it's not. She doesn't love you, she wants to be with ben and you and her are over. So you need to let go and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, Fragtagonal +, writes (8 December 2010):
Fragtagonal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe weren't together when the cuddling happened. It was just after the break up. But we were talking about getting back together.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (8 December 2010):
 No, you're not crazy for feeling uncomfortable about this and it's definitely a huge red flag for her to be spending time with him already (i don't think she should be spending time with him at all.)
I don't understand why you waited for her, especially after she had said that she knows you were waiting for her. THat's why she is doing this, because she knows you won't leave her because you waited for her. She sounds immature and as if she doesn't know what she wants. Yes, you two aren't a couple yet, but if she loves you, then she should respect your wishes to not see him because it makes you uncomfortable.
The fact that she was cuddling with this other guy while you two were still together bothers me. I don't care if it's just cuddling, that is just as bad and just as intimate as having sex. You don't do that when you are with someone. I'm sure she wouldn't have been as understanding if it had been you cuddling with another woman.
Why don't you have any say? IF you two are going to have a relationship and not a dictatorship, then you had better start speaking your mind and let her know that this is not okay. You sure as hell can find someone who isn't going to mess with your head like this.
She needs to know that you aren't always going to be waiting for her.
You have every right to be upset and uncomfortable about this and if she can't see that, then maybe it's time to move on.
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