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male
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anonymous
writes:I split up from my wife 7 months ago and have since moved out. We were married for 9 years and have 3 children together. None of us have met anybody else, I dont intend to. We split because we were having communication problems and could not talk to each other. I developed feelings for someone else and told her I loved her. We never kissed or had sex or anything, but i did fall for her. Nothing ever happened of it and we eventually drifted apart. My wife says she would never take me back because I 'cheated'. She filed for divorce yesterday on the grounds of me cheating.However, since we split up, we have continued to have sex and kiss and cuddle. We went xmas shopping yesterday and walked around the city centre holding hands. She knows that I want her back and told me yesterday about the divorce, she also said that she never would get back with me. I was going to go back home, but I ended up staying the night and had sex.If she really does not want to be with me, why does she still have sex with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to everybody who has shared their views.
We are now back together, but she is still going ahead with the divorce. I agreed to it, but we both hope we can maybe marry sometime in the future. I suppose this has been a bad marraige for us both and probably best that it is ended, but as communication is now better, maybe we can both be happier and more understanding with each other next time around??.
Thanks again everyone.
A
male
reader, dorfmeistersfan +, writes (27 December 2006):
 Bottom line, some men are not good for everything.
The existence or success of a marriage requires other things besides sex: good parenting, financial stability, looks, interest, providing security, fun, peace, enjoyment, etc.
Sex is probably one of those things you're very very good for, and there is nothing wrong with that. You probably are a good buy but you can't control the desires and interest of other people.
Be there for your KIDS more importantly. Make sure they are taking their education very serious and continue to make sure they are learning to understand READING IS FUN, and they are reading books, so that someday, they can become graduates of univeristys and post graduates(doctors, lawyers, professors, teachers, businessmen) to make you to happy beyond each other.
So focus on that and stop being selfish with her....if she doesn't want to be with you husband wise....forget her and be there 100000000% for your kids with her as a parent.
Good luck and may all your dreams come true,
Dormeistersfan
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2006): she will be seen as nuts by most people. in a way i sympathize with her. me and my boyfriend recently broke up, mainly because we couldnt handle the long distance. even though im back in the UK i know that i dont want him as a boyfriend, however i am desperate to still snuggle and sleep with him. he let this happen for a while but one day he said stop. you have to do this because it is all or nothing. she wont admit to it, because i didnt, but she is using you. consider your own feelings, suggest a break while she sorts her head out (and really misses you) and then she'll either come back to the marriage or you will make a final break. the grey area is impossible. the sooner it is over the better. a month of no contact is often the answer. counsilling sometimes helps because it means that you spend that time alone concentrating on your own needs and not fantasizing/worry8ing about your ex. good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): she is stall in love with you she want to get back at you because she think u was cheating on her
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006):
It would help if you told us what her tone was.
Because she sounds nuts.
It she really emotional and waving her hands and shouting when she makes these declarative statements? The way you relay it sounds very dispassionate and thought out according to some logic. Frankly that logic doesnt make any sense to me, so it would be helpful you could tell us if think she is being rational or emotional.
Frankly I think its time you injected the voice of reason into this process. Get into some sort marital therapy even if it just revolves around the details of your seperation. If she has crazy ideas, the aribtrator may disabuse her of them. Maybe she is thinking that divorce is some sort of "time out" for you- and she needs to be informed of its finality. Also getting her into therapy and on medication may help. I think she may need to hear an outside assement of her direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): Thanks for your rating, but I just wanted to ad that what she says makes sense in the fact that you need to be on good terms for the sake of your kids, but if she wants the marriage over, then you need to stop having sex with her because this will allow her to use you and it will make you feel worse.
I still think you should urge her to get into counseling, if you can't get her to go, you need to go on your own for some support and to work out any issues so you don't take those into a new relationship with you. You can't make someone forgive you or love you, but you can change your self.
I think her move to end the marriage over your transgression is a bit harsh, but I don't know both sides do I? Please take care of yourself and have a happy holiday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you rhythmandblues2.
We have spoke a lot today. She says she wants the marriage over as soon as possible, but said that just means the end of our marriage, not neccessarily the end of US. She said maybe we could remarry in the future. Deep down, I know she loves me and I am spending the whole weekend and xmas day with her and our kids.
We were at the stage where we could never talk to each other without arguing. I eventually started talking to a girl online and felt comfortable talking with her. We could talk about anything and I felt relaxed and happy being with her. We met up on a few occasions and just used to talk for hours. I eventually started to fall for her and then told my wife what had happened and she kicked me out of our house. It was cheating, but nothing sexual or intimate. She knows how sorry I am, but nothing could ever take away the pain I caused her. I really do hate myself for what I did. I wish I could change the past, that is impossible, but I can influence the future. Thanks. I rated your answer as Excellent.
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A
female
reader, goodaz +, writes (22 December 2006):
 hi! i feel that your wife is still sleeping with you because she either doesnt want you and at the same time doesnt really want anyone else to have you or she could just be sticking to what she knows,what she has known for the last 9 years(a long time).i was in a similar situation where i stuck to what i knew. i was in a relationship for 4years and as much as i didnt want him back after we split,i still slept with him on the odd occasion,because it just seemed easier to call him than some one new of whom im unfamiliar with.in order to do so i had to be nice to him and make him still think hes in with a chance otherwise he wouldnt sleep with me and thats where the shopping together and holding hands through the city centre would come in handy as you are an easy target because she knows you want her back.if it helps i used to call my ex usually when i had alcohol in me...does she do this? if so then she is just stickin to what she knows, if she doesnt then it doesnt mean that the above isnt true.personally i think you should be strong and move on,this mite teach her a lesson or two.hope it works out for you.xxx.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): I think your wife is pretty confused, on the one hand she misses the security of your relationship, going off on your own after 9 years of marriage is a frightening prospect, and the fact that she is saying never, but holding your hand and xmas shopping is telling me she is in denial about her feelings.
If you had an emotional affair, that is just as bad as going all of the way and having sex....and she is right to break your marriage off, but affairs are symptoms usually of a deeper problem in a marriage, like you mention, the two of you have communication problems, and sex is one of the ways that you can express your deeper feelings without having to talk about it.
It is a shame to throw in the towel on this 9 year marriage, it seems to me that you still have a chance to reconcile here....I think if you want your wife back you should sit her down and look her ih the eye and tell her how sorry you are that you hurt her with the other woman, don't make excuses for your behavior or tell her why you did it, just say how deeply sorry you are.
Then I think the two of you should get into marriage counseling as quickly as you can, if you don't know of a therapist ask your family doctor to recommend one, or go to your church and talk to your pastor, but get some help immediately, don't let this go another day....if you work hard and start turning towards eachother and really start talking, I think you can save this marriage.
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