A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So... Sort of a long story.I'm a 19 year old male and up until recently had been a virgin. Wanted to lose it to someone I care about. Well, I've been falling for this girl for a while, she knew the situation and was falling for me, but had a long term boyfriend (that she doesn't like, but they live together and neither can afford to move out, so she stays with him... Or so I'm told). So, we just ignored it, went out a couple times, didn't do anything. Finally one day she just put it out there that she wanted to take my virginity. We made plans for the night my roommate was at work (in 4 days time at that point).Spent the next few days with some extremely bad sexual tension at work and her initiating a very sexual convo every night. So, the time comes, she comes over and we do what we talked about. There were some issues on my end, though. For a while I was just too nervous to actually get it up, then once I did, it went away immediately. Finally got it up long enough for her to get off, but not me. She took that pretty personally.So, past two day. Hadn't really heard from her at all. A few texts, not the norm, though. We were planning a vacation and I see the next day she had requested the days off for it. Sent her a text and told her the hotel was reserved and I get a response of "oh." Finally see her today at work and have a legitimate conversation. Before she was acting like she fell for me and all this. Today it was just the opposite. Acted like she had no feelings and just wanted the sex. Even went back to calling me by my first name, which she hadn't done in weeks. Before she was super jealous when I talked to another co-worker and I spent a decent portion of the day talking to her with no reaction. I brought up the hotel and how I didn't want to wait that long before having sex again. "Not my problem. I have a man to take care of that. Get another chick to take care of it or use a hand" was the response, when before she was chewing at the bit to the point that she wanted to in her car instead of waiting until my house was clear. She did say she still planned on going with me out of town, though. So... Not really sure where I'm at. I have no idea where this... coldness... came from. I mean we had our normal convos as far as things, but anytime it turned into anything that could be construed as leaning towards the romantic things, it was like she was instantly gone. Is this the time I should call it quits? Any recommendations on where to go from her?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I agree with YouWish.
She was hoping for some great sexual adventure (on the side) with you and when you were too nervous to be her "fantasy stallion" she might have realized her whole "imaginary hot affair" didn't go as planned. My guess is she got her EGO hurt that you didn't have a raging hard on for her. My second guess is she is a very insecure attention monger. When her little house of cards fell, she decided to blame you. Which is illogical, but seems to fit her personality.
Take this as a lesson.
NEVER date, screw around with or develope feelings for.. a woman who isn't absolutely single. No matter what sob story she can tell about how horrible her BF/husband/fiance is - or how they no longer really together, they just share a place and .. well you have heard that story already....
Because in the END you are the one who will get hurt.
Second lesson is.. there are no shortcuts when it comes to relationships. Just having sex with a woman is not a way to find a decent GF. You took a shortcut. You wanted SEX with her, but not much else to start with. Now that you had it you assume that she wants more. Doesn't work that way.
Third lesson, watch out about getting caught up in another person's fantasy.
My advice, cut the contact with her. UNLESS you have to talk work I would text, call or talk to her. She probably won't have a problem with it. DO not go on vacation with her. Go with friends or by yourself. HAve fun, let your hair down.
IF you want a GF, then find a girl (and ... not at your work - the saying don't shit where you eat is good advice) date her, romance her, woo her and THEN have sex.
Chalk this one up to a mistake.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 All she wanted all along was your virginity. If she was talking to you about feelings/relationship stuff and going away together, then that was, sadly, just a trick to get in your pants. Like everyone else here has said, she's already in a relationship. You don't mean anything to her... Sorry. But I think it is better you hear the truth so that you can cut her out, rather than sit and wait for her. Because she wont ever be yours, and she wont love you back.
She just wanted some fun on the side. But then she realized it wasn't just a fantasy, it was real life, and real life isn't picture perfect. So she doesn't want to repeat it and do it again.
Then again, I don't feel too sorry for you either, because you were just using her as well. All you wanted was sex. If you actually wanted a proper relationship and a girlfriend you would make a relationship FIRST and have it official as well, before you move on to the sex. The official relationship comes first, then sex. You only wanted sex, and it seems to me the only reason you are talking to her still is because you want to have sex with her again, and that's the reason you were planning to go away as well. To have sex. Not to have a date and build a relationship, just to have sex.
So, you were two people who wanted sex. She was satisfied with that one experience, you want more. There's not much else to say about it, other than leave her alone and stop talking to her. She's not interested in doing anything more with you.
Next time, find a proper girlfriend, and work on having a relationship, if that's what you want. Wait with the sex.
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A
male
reader, 1989mrz  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 stay away from her, she used you, how can she expect you to be a pro on you first day? That is impossible ,just let it go man, you will find someone like you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Such is life OP, things don't always go as planned and sometimes you get dealt with a really shitty hand.
You wanted your first sexual experience to be special but you made a huge error in judgment. How can a woman who's in a relationship with someone else be special to you in the first place? You should have waited to find someone like you, someone who thinks in the same way and feels the same way. You should have also known that if this woman was happily and remorselessly cheating on her boyfriend with you, why on earth would she not treat YOU like shit too?
Don't ever fool around with someone who's taken.
Don't believe someone who says crap like they cant stand their partner but live with them only because they have no option. Bullshit. There is ALWAYS an option. They don't move out because they don't want to.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel inadequate. Performance anxiety is as common in women as in men. The first time is never what its made out to be. Its mostly awkward, embarrassing and you're left with the feeling of, "What? That's it? That's sex? That's what all the hype was for?"
Bottom line: Chalk it up as a bad experience and move on. She was not a nice girl and you should be glad she's out of your life. She actually did you a favour by dumping you because maybe you couldn't have gotten yourself to doing the same thing for her. You're seeing her in an emotional way right now which prevents you from seeing the actual her, but you will, very soon.
In future, choose to be with a girl who echoes the same values and sentiments as yours. And never go for someone who's in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2014):
 The problem boils down to the fact that you were her strange on the side. She has a live-in boyfriend and was cheating on him with you. Relationships like that do not go anywhere. She wanted a diversion - a conquest on the side, and that was you. She wanted a notch on her ego, and so she took your virginity. Her ego was bruised when you dealt with performance anxiety, which is extremely common in inexperienced guys (and girls too!), and when she got what she wanted, she dropped you.
You need someone who isn't a cheater. You'll always be treated second-rate by someone who is using you for strange on the side. All of her "falling for you" words are worthless because all you have to do is look at how she treats the guy she lives with and professed her love to.
Understand that she lied to you about the whole "I don't like him but can't afford to move out" crap the moment she said "I have a man to take care of that". She is crap and not good for you.
You've gotten the experience out of the way. Time to choose your next girlfriend a lot more wisely and not just who's willing to have sex with you. That woman will never care for you really.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 July 2014):
Well, don't take it personally, but she was attracted to you and probably had imagined that sex with you was going to be great and a wonderful experience. The fact that it was kind of (predictably) a wreck has probably made her less attracted to you.
Like I said, don't take it personally. She was, after all, cheating on her boyfriend with you. For some people, cheating is about an escape from reality, or even a fantasy. The poor sexual experience brought her back to reality.
Another reason you shouldn't take it personally is because your first time can be difficult. Mine was. I couldn't keep it up, probably because I was nervous. It took a little time but that never happened again. Fortunately for me I was with a girl who really liked me and wasn't cheating on her bf.
Lesson learned. She was just using you. Don't expect anything else from her, and don't spend a bunch of money on this vacation.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 This girl only wanted sex from you.
When the time for sex came, you were very anxious and could not give her what she expected. So now she doesn't want to give you another chance, and she said that.
You will perform better the next time you try sex, so don't let it get to your head and put it behind you.
You're only 19 and will have lots of opportunities for sex with someone else. Don't try to have sex with this girl; she doesn't want to.
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