A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long distance relationship for almost a year. He and I had several problems throughout the relationship, initially about opening up and then trust issues towards the end.In the beginning after a month or so of dating he was demanding to know how many guys I've ever kissed in my life and then wanted to know the situation regarding each sexual partner I had (I had slept with 2 more people than he had which bothered him quite a bit). I felt that was too much an invasion of privacy to know these specific details while he insisted that a healthy relationship meant me being able to open up about these things. We fought about control issues as well. I thought he was being controlling in telling me I couldn't go to a male chiropractor disregarding the fact that he's married with children and I've been going to him for 4 years. He also didn't like the idea of me working with decent looking guys and felt threatened whenever I had a work event to attend after hours. However, he argued that I was controlling because I didn't like him taking girl friends to a bar late at night, bringing a girl over to his apartment alone on a Friday night to 'hang out' or texting his ex almost as frequently as he texted me. Since there was so much fighting going on, we agreed we needed to break up. Since then, he's been wanting us to work on our problems since there were a lot of positives despite the issues I mentioned above. We've kept in contact most days since the break up a month and a half ago. My problem is this: this past weekend he went on a camping trip with his ex girlfriend and a few other mutual friends. It was 2 nights with drinking and little phone reception. He swore he views her only as a friend and nothing would happen. I had no say in the matter because even though I felt very uncomfortable with the setting, I'm his ex too and have no right to say anything. Partially out of spite and partially because I wanted to see how it was, I went out for a drink with a new guy last night. Nothing happened at all and I didn't even enjoy myself that much. However, I'm now torn between feeling guilty for not telling my ex about going out and feeling like it's none of his business since we truly are single. Do I owe it to him to tell him what happened? Or is it my business since I'm single? I can't stop feeling guilty and would sincerely appreciate some advice.
View related questions:
broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, long distance, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (22 July 2014):
Stay.Away.From.HimHe sounds unfeasibly controlling and, if you get back together, he will continue to be so. It sounds as though he did his level best to 'cut you from the herd' the first time around - this level of control and invasion of privacy is pretty much up there with emotional abuse.What happened in your past is YOUR past and nothing to do with him. If you choose to socialise with other men and he has a problem with it, it is HIS problem. What is also his problem is the double standard of behaviour regarding his taking women to his apartment, alone. I do find it odd that he would do this AND tell you about it (again, emotionally abusive).I, personally, wouldn't bother telling him about the chap you went out with. You are no longer dating and, while I am sure it is hurtful, his seeing his ex now you are broken up is none of your business either. Hurtful yes, your business? no - as you acknowledged yourself.I wouldn't advise reconciling with this chap - he sounds as though he has major issues regarding boundaries and jealousy, and he isn't going to change. If you get back with him, he will continue to bully you and things could escalate where the bullying isn't 'just' psychological.I think it is good that you went out for an experimental drink - it shows you are ready to move on. The fact that he went on a trip with his ex (regardless of the other friends there) shows he hasn't moved on from her, and wants to make you jealous at the same time. Live your life the way you want to, and be happy. I honestly don't think you could do that with him around.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I think when he said that you two should work on your issues so you can get back together, he means YOU should DO as he wants (no men around you) and he can continue seeing his ex or whatever girl he wants.
Maybe it IS totally platonic with his ex-gf. But I would guess he WOULDN'T have such a big problem with your MALE co-worker and your MALE chiropractor, if he himself was QUITE capable of being JUST platonic with his ex GF.
As for DEMANDING to know every intimate details of previous relationships... He has no right. THAT is YOUR past and TOTALLY up to you as to how much (if any) you want to divulge.
DID he give you the same level of details with his exes? Or was the "sharing" to have stronger relationship just about YOU sharing?
I don't for one minute believe that ANYONE has to know every dirty little detail about a partner's past. Like SVC said, taking a STD/HIV test I deem a must if you plan to be serious and sexual. But details? no. THAT is a personal choice. I think OVERSHARING can actually create more drama than good.
And no, you do not OWE him that you went out and got drunk, JUST like HE is ALLOWED to go about his life and business SO are you.
My advice, DECIDE if you want to be with him or not. Now what HE wants. I think it would be healthier for you to walk away before you start believing his "gospel". You are doubting YOUR right to privacy and having a life.
Date someone in your area instead. LDR are complicated and stressful.
Best scenario of all, you two cut the contact, and YOU focus on yourself, your work, your health, your friends and family and some FUN, for crying out loud.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 July 2014):
 Double standards never work in relationships.
Either BOTH of you can have friends of the opposite sex or NETHER can.
He has NO RIGHT to ask about your prior relationships.. only to ask that you submit current blood work to show you are currently disease free... other than that he's over the line.
While you can stay with this man I would NOT recommend it. He is trying to control you and set a standard so that he has full control due to his insecurity and jealousy.
I would suggest that you live your life to please yourself and if he can't cope, then he's not worth the effort you need to make to make a friendship much less a relationship work.
I'd be insane if I was told by my partner who I could and could not be friends with or who I could or could not see as a medical professional.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 July 2014):
 I believe this is your post from a handful of days ago?http://www.dearcupid.org/question/do-you-have-any-idea-how-i-can.html
You don't owe him anything. From the further sounds of it, you're WAY better off without him. I see no reason to tell him, as you're no longer together, and frankly, it's none of his business.
You also have some things, according to yourself, that you need to be working on. Focus on those things. Not trying to make your ex jealous. That's not productive.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, 1989mrz  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 dont feel guilty who knows you done better he may be done worse,you wer out to drnk but you did not do anything else but he was on campin with friends n his ex for two days think again how you goin to know if he did have sex with her or not.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2014):
 You need to make decide whether you want to stay in a relationship with him or not.
...............................
|
