A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mind is torn. I have dated a girl for three years. I went through a lot and was emotionally closed off for a long time. She finally reached her breaking point and left. It took her leaving me to realize the dark place I was in. While separated, I relized what I had done and have spent the last several months trying to win her trust back. In that time she became emotionally involved with a guy and just a few days ago I found out she slept with this guy one time a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what to do. She has a very strict father who wouldn't let her talk to me for a month so she can decide if she wants to come back to me. Yes. We are both too old for that, but that is another issue. She told me she wanted me to wait for her. She told me not to worry. She told me she wouldn't be with him and we would be fine. I love her very much so I went along with this. It was during this time when she told me she was lonely and was drunk and it happened the one time. She tells me she loves me and she is sorry. She tells me she wants to be with me. I really want to be with her for the rest of my life. I know it was my fault that I pushed her away to begin with, but I am torn that after she told me she wanted to be with me again that's when it happened. I don't know what to do. I don't want a life without her. I know before we broke up I was so closed off emotionally. She never imagined a life without me either. She was waiting for me to accept her into my life so I know I am to blame as well. I didn't make her feel beautiful and that night this guy did. Can we get past this? Can I really believe it will only happen the one time? I never had a trust issue with her and she did tell me it happened. I need advice. Please help.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 To be honest, I don't think softtouchmale and I did view this from different perspectives.
I asked my questions hoping OP may see the answers for himself. Softouchmale added a few extra insights and that advice is gold.
Well said, softtouchmale and good luck, OP.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Thank you all for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it. I was laid off, lost my business, racked up debt, and nearly lost my house and had to sell off some of my posessions. That caused me to fall into a depression and this girl stood by my side and tried to help me through it and I didn't realize the most important thing was sitting there next to me the whole time. I was too worried about what I had lost, rather than what I still had. So yes. I want to give her another chance. Now the question remains can she forgive me for what I have done? I guess only time will tell.
Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Although Lola1 makes some valid points, let me look at this from a different perspective.
I can see where you were at. So let me give some advice to help you regain the trust in and hopefully your relationship with your girlfriend.
First of all you're going to have to accept that she was with another guy, and forgive her for it. She probably didn't intend it to happen. From what you're telling me she was lonely, weak and drunk. Alcohol loosens inhibitions and people who are lonely have their loneliness amplified by the loss of inhibitions, and so voi la, she fell into a one-night-stand with this guy. She didn't do it to her you. She didn't want to hurt you. And I think she truly regrets it.
Look at it from her point of view for a moment. She feels ashamed or guilty for it, and if you love her deeply as you say you do, you should try and lift her out of those feelings and regrets. Part of that means being forgiving and also caring. She needs that from you and you need to recognize that she's hurting over it much worse than you are. She may even be in that dark place you were at when she felt pushed out of your life. So if you love her, think of her first and foremost and try and help her cope with what was obviously a mistake. And ask her to help you cope with it too.
Second of all. This doesn't seem to be a trust issue, but trust is the cornerstone of all relationships. Both of you need to be able to trust each other and forget all suspicions and focus not on the past, but your future together. If you want her to stay in your life, and you want her to be there for you; then both of you need to open up to each other, and always keep the trust going.
Third. One of the most fundamental rules in relationships is paying attention to each other's needs. You were in a dark place for awhile. This could be depression, anger, shame, guilt, or whatever else that put you there. Whenever you feel like you're slipping into a situation like that, and if you remain together with your girlfriend, you need to trust her enough to tell her what's happening and let her try and help you out of that mood or whatever it is. Part of the trust situation is intimacy and she cannot be your real love and partner, and care for you if you hide things from her that affect your ability to be happy. When you're together, you have to communicate with each other.
Every relationship is based on intense emotional connections. Attention, intimacy, trust, caring, and physical contact are all deep commitments. So you have to be sensitive to her too. If you shut her out, she's not only not going to be able to help you, but she's going to feel abandoned. Now you're punishing her and its not her fault. Likewise when she's feeling depressed or needs your attention, love, care and strength, you have to do the same thing for her too.
So you need to focus on your emotional needs together. Find ways that you two can cope with these issues so you can help each other.
Fourth. You need to spend time talking to each other about all of these issues. It seems to me that you feel a deep, committed emotional connection is there. If you feel you can't live your life without her (or more likely you don't want to lose her), then she should always have a home in your heart. This means that she's number 1 to you in your life, and you need to care for and nurture her needs so that she will have the circumstances in her life to be happy with you.
Fifth. She has rule her own heart, not her father. Its she who ultimately decides which man she wants in her life. And it seems to me that she picked you which means you're special to her. And it also seems to me that you realized how special she is to you. This is what she has to look at when she looks into her heart.
Sixth. Try going slow for awhile. If you need help getting counseling, reach out to a relationship counselor or professional. Healing relationships and making them stronger is the ultimate goal, and in your case it seems from what you've said both of you want that. At least tacitly.
Finally. Every relationship needs work. You earn each others' love and trust every day. So you always have to pay attention to each other.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 September 2009):
 This is one where I'd have to say it depends on what you want. I can tell by your huge desire to be with her that no matter what anyone says here, you'll end up going back with her and giving your relationship another chance.
What I will address is your guilt and self blame. You made a mistake, whether you were depressed or in your own little world, you didn't treat her well. Other than that, you can't blame yourself for her actions. Did you intentionally get her drunk, how about throw her on the other guy? No, so you're not to blame yourself for her doing so.
What I am worried about is her lack of commitment to wanting to be back with you. You said it will never happen again. Ask yourself this, would you have said it would never happen this time before this time happened? From my experience when someone says they want to be with another, they don't go out, get drunk and have a one night stand. She also had the emotional affair going on with this guy. Can you say that after telling you she wants to be with you, she actually didn't know she'd be out drinking and living it up with this other guy? I think in this situation, if I were to try again with someone, I enter into it with caution. Not saying she'll do anything, but you don't want to give all of your emotional self to her at once, to have it crushed if something does happen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): We were apart but she told me she wanted to be with me again. Then a few weeks later while we were still apart she slept with another guy. I became emotionally closed off during our relationship and wasn't there for her the way I should have been. I know that. I told her I realized what I had done to her and we have been trying to make it work. That is when this happened. She was out with a friend and said they were drunk and it just happened. That she didn't plan it. I am upset because she slept with him after she told me she wanted to be with me. I know this is difficult. We were still apart at that time because of her father. She is currently living at home and must abide by his rules so we are not back together yet. I don't know if we should be after this. I very much want to be but I don't know if I should. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (9 September 2009):
Sometimes, when we are really upset, we don't type or speak with appropriate fluidity and our message becomes somewhat garbled. I'm having trouble understanding your problem.
She had sex with a guy she had been dating and was emotionally involved with after she had broken up with you already, was open and honest about the encounter and you have trust issues?
Or you have trust issues because prior to sleeping with him, she said she wanted to be with you?
Was she drunk when she said she was lonely, drunk when she slept with him, or drunk when she said she wanted to be with you?
Did you expect her to understand you had emotional baggage (being closed) and that you had realized your problem and were ready to commit, but can not allow her to also be confused, make mistakes and learn from them?
Or were you both in a committed and healthy relationship and she lied and slept with someone else?
I'm sorry, am I missing something?
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