A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i posted a question a couple weeks back and got some good feedback. i wanted to see if i couldn't get a few more opinions and elaborate on the most recent happenings.about six weeks ago, my girlfriend had asked to use my phone to look something up on the internet. i handed my phone over and she took the liberty to go through my texts with this particular friend of mine that she doesn't care for without my knowledge. when she handed the phone back, it seemed as though my texts had been tampered with, so i asked her if she'd gone through them. she insisted she hadn't. about an hour passes and she asks me "have you talked about our relationship problems with your friend (the one she doesn't like)? i told her that to the best of my knowledge, no, i hadn't. and that was the truth. i usually don't confide in this one particular friend much. so i felt pretty confident that i hadn't. she asked me one more time. i insisted my answer was still the same. that i hadn't. she then asked one more time before bed. still... the same answer. she never said another word about it until two weeks ago. we had gotten into a fight and she drops the bomb on me after all this time that she had gone through my phone that night and seen where i had in fact vented to this friend of mine (way back in august, so i'd forgotten completely), and how i had blatantly lied to her face when she asked about it. i was so caught off guard. she broke up with me and said that she has been so mad at me for an entire month, just holding it in, trying to get past it, but couldn't. that i had broken her trust by lying about talking about our problems to her. i begged her to reconsider, and that it was just a misunderstanding. that i didn't mean to "lie", and that i had legitimately forgotten about the conversation because it had been at least weeks if not longer prior to her asking me about it. she asks for a few days to think about it. in that span of time, she proceeds to go out of town and spend the night at a girls house that she knows makes me extremely uncomfortable. she makes a point to tell me she stayed with her and that nothing happened, but it still hurt me pretty bad. i told her it upset me, which spawned another fight, which prompted her to say she was mad at me and didn't need any more time to think. that she was done with me. well out of hurt and anger and rejection, a couple days later, i joined a dating website. my mentality was that she had hurt me so badly, i was looking for a distraction. but i never actually got on the thing and i certainly never met anyone off of it. i was just mad at her. i realized quickly that i wasn't ready for it. about a week passes and i send her a text and we start talking again. i tell her i miss her and that i want to fix things. she tells me she's considering and that she still does love me, etc. she just wanted a bit of time to process what all i was saying. well then the next day, she sends me a text saying "i have to ask. have you done anything this past week that would upset me? i've been thinking about what you said about getting back together, and i just needed to know first." and i hadn't done anything. i hadn't done anything but sit here and miserably miss her. so i tell her no. she then proceeds to blow up on me again, and tell me that she found my profile on the dating website, and how, once again, i'm such a liar and awful, etc. that she couldn't ever imagine doing that to me and dating anyone right now. that i was an awful person for lying when she had blatantly asked me if i'd done anything hurtful. it was another minunderstanding becuase i didn't even THINK to tell her about it. not because i was being shady, but because it was just the last thing on my mind. so now, she's back to telling me i'm a liar and how could i do that to her? how could i tell her i wanted to fix things with her, yet go off looking for a new girlfriend? which was so far from the truth. i was just hurt when i did it and she wouldn't listen to a word i said. now she won't talk to me and it's back to being all my fault again. am i completely wrong here? is she justified? someone please give me some good advice on what to do and what the heck is going on here. thanks in advance.
View related questions:
broke up, liar, text, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilly123  +, writes (8 November 2012):
 i broke up with my girlfriend yesterday (well we havent actually been official for the last few months but we have been trying to fix it) due to trust issues and ok mine were much more serious than the ones she has with you but at the end of the day the truth is if she doesnt trust you now she never will and it make you both unhappy, so my suggestion would be to follow my example and walk away from her now, it killed me and it hurt her but i know that its the right thing to do in the long run
and she sounds like she has something to hide and thats why shes acting that way, how did she see a profile you made if she doesnt have one?
if you would like to talk some more please feel free to message me
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): "How do I convince her that I am the one telling the truth?"
You can't. You are asking the impossible. She will believe what she wants to believe for as long as she wants to believe what she wants to believe because what she wants to believe is what she wants to believe.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2012):
 One of you can take the "high road" and become adult, and that person (whichever one it is) will have the satisfaction of knowing that he - or, she - will never have to think of this awful situation again.....
I suggest that YOU be that adult....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 I disagree with male anon, the girl is far from crazy, overreactive maybe- but I can totally see the logic behind her reaction ( which does not mean I would have done the same- but she and I are two different persons).
So : we have trust break no. 1. You talk to some girl about your couple problems,now in my own book that's a venial sin, most of us have friends with whom we like to vent off and say things that maybe we don't even mean, just to rant a bit. BUT, in other people's book not always it's the same, I have seen marriages sink because of that,- it's a major breach of trust, they feel that what happens within the couple stays within the couple, if you have a problem with her, you settle it and solve it with her, you don't blab it to everybody and his sister just just because you are upset. The other person is not present to give her/ his version, so you are making your partner look bad without giving her / him a chance to tell her version. So, I understand how she can have felt hurt, anyway I also believe that this was actually a true misunderstanding, and that you actually had forgotten about having had that conversation.
But issue no. 2, come on, how can that have been a misunderstanding ? how could you have forgotten having visited a dating site just few days before ? She did not ask you " did you sleep with other women " ( which you did not ), she asked you a more generic and all-inclusive " is there something I should know " . Well, pardon me, but I think that , if in the same breath you want to kiss and make up ,AND look for possible new entries on a dating site, sure that's something she very well may want to know.Most girls would, and particularly one that puts such an high price on total sincerity and transparency. As, knowing her, you must have known. So, the "misunderstanding" is not believable, ..and indeed she does not believe it, she believes that you omitted that infos on purpose.
Now, if you want to say that technically you were broken up, so what if you asked out girls, , you were in your right to visit 100 dating sites,... I would have to agree with you. Bur SHE would not necessarily have to : on one hand you want to get back together- on the other hand you at the same time you go looking for new conquests ?...if the problem was reestablishing trust, you sure did exactly the opposite!- and that's basically what she is fretting about.
As for " I did it only because I was hurt"...I think I'd believe you, but, again, I am not her. It's not authomatic that when people are hurt go looking for someone new to date or shag, in fact it's an unusual reaction. Most people, I suppose, would stop at getting massively drunk, or tryng to distract themselves with work or hobbies, or praying... not necessarily stuff involving other women. It's normal that she thinks " yeah right, so hurt. How hurt could he be, if he had the heart to be flirty and sexy and chatty with female strangers ?".
Moral, you screwed up big time, at least in her eyes, and you are taking the wrong approach. I am not surprised your attempt to reconcile did not work, if you keep them all based on " it's a misunderstanding " " you are overreacting, you are crazy " or " I did not do anything ".
She feels that you are being evasive, condiscendent and dismissive- she feels you either don't understand , or you don't want to understand, how you betrayed her trust and how this is a big deal for her. Your attempt of minimizing what happened feels to her , I guess, as if you are making fun of her.
So, - I'd leave her be for the time being, the more insist on your version , even if you are totally in good faith, about which, excuse me but I doubt a little bit, you still are digging yourself into a deeper hole. I think you might have a chance, since apparantly she still has feelings for you, only if you leave her some time and peace of mind- and , in case you decide to insist later on , you drastically change attitude, and eat some humble pie, accept your responsibility for the mistake- mistakes in fact, counting breach of trust no. 1,- and basically plead guilty as charged.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS CRAZY, who blows up over that? Like seriously, how long have you two been dating because this chick sounds absolutely crazy and over reactive, she shouldn't have just hid it from you and broke up with you on the spot. She should have just talked it out with you, and how did she find you're dating webpage? If she found out, wouldn't that mean she made one too? This girl seriously needs to back the hell up and calm herself down, if she really loved you she would have talked it out with you in an mature manor and shouldn't have brooded over it like the way she did. For now I would it's best to have some space, leave her alone for a while to let her think her actions through, if you guys were really meant to be together then you two would eventually get together but if not then move on with life. Don't create a dating page, and besides she broke up with you when you made the dating page, you had all the right to do so, why is she freaking over that? Just move on and enjoy life. Good luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (28 October 2012):
Have you asked her what she was doing on the dating site? Most dating sites require the person to sign up to search for people so she may have created her own profile.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): My opinion at the time you posted the original post . Was that you need to leave her be.
You are not ready for a committed relationship, otherwise you would not be venting to some girl who is not your girlfriend discussing issues that you and she have, at your age I'd expect more from you than acting like a teenager . On top of that you wouldn't want to put your profile up on a date website just because you's had just broken up.. It shows you didn't really give a button for what you and she had.
Leave her alone.. Sorry to say but from what you posted she has every right to say and mean the things she has.. Until you can admit that then I'm sorry again there no hope.
Take care.
...............................
|
