A
male
age
51-59,
*roknheart
writes:Dear Cupid, After three years of being with my girlfriend, things have somewhat fallen apart. Throughout our relationship we have faced challenges, most of them from her children going through that 'rebellious' stage and causing us both a lot of heartache. My girlfriend and I lived together for about a year and a half, but decided it was better we had our own place again because it was too difficult to deal with everything that was going on, and ultimately causing our relationship problems. About a year ago we turned to the Lord, committed that we would endure all hardships with a plan to ultimately marry one another at some point. The problems with her children continued (drugs, sex, running away, verbal abuse) and I could see that she was becoming very hurt, tired, and an emotional wreck. I did everything in my power to support her, but often she would lash out at me when her youngest girl made bad decisions that she was dealing with. Although I understood she was going through a hard time, I just couldn’t grasp why she would be loving me one minute, and then lash out and be cold, rude, etc. the next, when her girls were misbehaving. Recently, while I was away on vacation she met one of her mother’s friends at our church. Her mother has a way of pushing things on her and influencing her, so she decided to push this guy toward her. They met at our church, and the following week when I returned from my vacation they ended up meeting for brunch behind my back. This caused us to bicker because these were boundaries that we both agreed to a while back. We then met with our Pastors and they were able to explain the fact that relationships have boundaries and that depending on the level of our relationship, boundaries change. They explained each level and asked her where she felt we were at...she said boyfriend/girlfriend. My pastors explained that she needed to think about my feelings in situations and although she tried to justify things I thought they were able to get her to understand that even though she may have had good intentions, she needed to think about my feelings as we are in the relationship together and 'exclusiveness' is important in order to build trust. They then gave us some good advice as to how to get our relationship back on track. They also spoke of this guy she met and told her that he was only going to bring her backwards and that he is not someone she should be communicating with. Not that he was a bad guy, just not someone for her. I left our meeting with the pastors excited about the things we discussed and in hope of finally taking our relationship to the level I always thought we could. Over the next few days things still didn’t seem the same as before I left for vacation. Like I said, we always had our moments, but in my heart I truly believed it was because of the pressure she was facing with her children, etc. She then asked me for some space as she wanted to follow God more and wasn’t prepared to handle anymore stress in her life. I was hurt, but told her I would do my best to give her what she wanted. She told me she loved me, but that if we were meant to be and it was God’s plan we will be pulled back together. A few days later a mutual friend of ours got sick and passed away. I really needed her at my side but she remained somewhat distant so I just tried to be understanding. It was her birthday a few days ago and when I got to church I hugged her and told her I loved her, she told me she loved me too. It made me happy to hear after such a difficult few days. I emailed her yesterday and asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee, no pressure, to just hang out for an hour or so. She emailed me back to say that she wasn’t feeling well and just going to go home and get into bed.Later on I decided to swing by and drop off the card from our friend’s funeral because she asked me to give her a copy. When I got to her house I noticed the man that we had dealt with a few weeks earlier was there. I did the best I could to handle the situation, but was obviously heartbroken. I just looked at her and I think she could tell I was hurt. I told her that I was disappointed that this is the way she is handling our relationship after three years. I asked her why she said she wasn’t feeling well when all I need is honesty. A girlfriend of hers was also there and she basically tried to justify it by saying that he was there to help them with a situation her friend was dealing with legally. This is a man she just met a few weeks ago, so it is hard to understand how she could put so much trust and comfort into him so quickly. When she told me she needed space, she also assured me that she is not interested in a romantic relationship with anyone and that she just wants to focus on her children and God. I’m not sure what to do at this point, other than to stop calling and texting her. I am hurt, because even when I was in Myrtle Beach a few weeks ago she called and emailed me every day saying how much she loved me and missed me. My heart is broken because I stayed by her side throughout everything which was very difficult considering the things we faced with her children because I felt things would improve and in the end we would win our Victory. I honestly feel in my heart I treated her very well. Should I move on and let her come to me? Is this just something she is going through because of her emotional state? I’m confused, she tells me she loves me, but then hangs out with this guy again after she knew how much it hurt me the first time. Sorry to go on an on, just wanted to give you detail so that you could reply correctly.I truly appreciate your time!!Jamie
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Move on man, I have experienced the same thing. I found out a lot when I went through my ex's email. We have been together for 3 years and I discovered that she was communicating with other men. Your women is interested in the other man. She is using you as a crush as she explores other men.
A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (23 February 2011):
I wouldn't chase after her. It sounds to me as if she wants to keep you on a string while she explores possibilities with this other guy. Screw that. I'm sure you treated her well. Some women (and men) really don't care about that. It's more "what have you done for me lately" with some people. I would cease contact and see what happens. But, start getting ready to move on.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 You have been there when she has needed you and gave her support, love, and time. You have been patience in the relationship but for a relationship to work both hearts have to be in it in order for the relationship to work. Its not fair when one person is putting 100% while the other half only gives it 50%. It is hard to deal with lives drama but this drama has nothing to do with you and the two should not be mix. Problems with her daughter are problems with them and the anger should not be taken out on you. I think she is going through a lot right now and the best thing you can do is give her space, her freedom and if she is meant to be she will return to you.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (23 February 2011):
 "they ended up meeting for brunch behind my back." That's enough for me to walk away and never look back."She emailed me back to say that she wasn’t feeling well and just going to go home and get into bed. Later on I decided to swing by and drop off the card from our friend’s funeral because she asked me to give her a copy. When I got to her house I noticed the man that we had dealt with a few weeks earlier was there." Wow, going forward I would not trust this woman."Sorry to go on an on, just wanted to give you detail so that you could reply correctly." You're a thoughtful guy. I suspect this woman, or anyone who knows you for that matter, also knows you're thoughtful. At the very least this woman is taking you for granted and taking advantage of your kindness/thoughtfulness."Should I move on and let her come to me?" I'm just one man but this is what I would do. I would also be cautious when attending church because there will be women who will want to attach themselves to you or give the appearance. Clearly, you have feelings for this woman and you don't want her feelings to get hurt. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 Ok well she has made it obvious that she wants to step back from the relationship at the moment. It sounds like she is in a very vunerable place at the moment and therefore you have the right to worry about her new friendship with this man, she lied to you that she was sick in order not to meet up with you and then you find him in her home, therefore yes off course this is going to hurt you. It sounds to me like she is confused at the moment, and her childrens troubles are just stressing her out even more.
I think the best thing you can do here is move on. She is all over the place and it sounds like she doesnt want to be with you at the moment yet she is finding it hard to tell you this. The best bet here is to try and talk to her again and ask her where you stand. Tell her that you need to know so that you can move on with your life if she does not want to be with you. If she is only wanting space for a while then ask her how long and after that period if she still hasnt decided what she wants then you need to move on with your life and accept that the relationship is over. Goodluck.
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