A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a question with which I desperately need some help. I love my wife very much, but I have found out some information recently that troubles me. I found out, totally by accident, that my wife had an abortion before we met. The thing that is really distressing to me is that she and I talked about abortion before we were married and she said that she did not believe in abortion, and that she could never go through with something like that. She knows, as well, that I am pro-life and do not agree with abortion or the right to choose. Before we were married, she indicated to me that she felt the same way. Well, after 3 years of marriage, I accidentally came across some exam forms from Planned Parenthood that showed that she has had an abortion. I have not yet confronted her about this situation. I am not really sure how to do so. This has nothing to do with jealousy or concern that she has had sexual relationships before me. I knew that before we were married, and I don't care. I have had the same, and I have had two separate relationships in my past when we thought the girl was pregnant until we received confirmation that she was not. So I am not coming at this from a "holier-than-thou" perspective. My problem is that we had a discussion about abortion while we were dating, and she told me that she did not believe in abortion. She knows that I am adamantly opposed to abortion---and, this is the worst part, she told me that she also was opposed to it. But, the fact is that when she told me that, she had already had an abortion. I am upset that she would have an abortion. But, I am more upset that she lied to me when she said that she could never have an abortion. I love my wife with all my heart and soul. I will continue to love her no matter what the outcome of any discussions we have on this issue. But honestly, I feel betrayed. I feel how I would imagine I would feel if I found out that my wife had an affair. She was not truthful with me. I just want to know if anyone can give me some advice on how to approach her with this issue. I don’t want to be judgmental and I don’t want to come across as being from a “holier-than-thou” perspective. I have things in my past also that probably should be shared with her, but this is different. This is a big issue for me and she knows that. I just want to know why she lied to me in the beginning.We now have 2 children together and one thing that troubles me is knowing that my 2 daughters would have another sibling had my wife not killed it. I just want some advice on how to approach my wife with this discussion. I am not angry with her. I am just very hurt. I love her very much, and I will continue to love her no matter the outcome of any discussion we have on this topic. But I need to talk with her about this issue.Thank you for any information you can give to me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2010):
 The sooner you can "man up " the better, because it seems this issue is really eating at you and if you leave it there hanging it is gonna eventually build a wall between you and your wife.
Don't approach her like a judge or an inquisitor- just tell her, " I have found by accident these Planned Parenthood forms, I thought maybe we should talk about it, I am here for you if you want to get stuff off your chest , or share with me your feelings about this episode ".
Good luck and keep us posted.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. I just wanted to update everyone on my situation and let you know where things stand (even if you don’t really care). I still have not gotten the nerve to confront my wife with the information on her past abortion. I know I should man up and discuss this with her, but the entire discussion leaves me scared. I want some advice on how to talk to my wife about this.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 June 2010):
Thank you for your further comments and informations.
You know ?, I'd say let's give your wife the benefit of doubt. It's possible you took her comments more literally than you need ,due to this being a very sensitive issue for you. Many people (including myself ) express themselves in an emotional rather than factual way, more to express feelings than to convey information. I often said,for instance :" Oh if I have to relocate again ,I'll kill myself." It's plain and obvious I would never do such a thing ! So maybe your wife was just expressing worry and distress in her own way.
Anyway, I guess you cannot find out what is what if you don't talk to her. You clearly have a strong love for her and your beautiful family, you should be able to make her feel that she is safe being candid with you. Tell her that you love her, that you do not judge her , ( remember: hate the sin,love the sinner ) that you CAN forgive her even if she had hid the truth from you. Make her feel that she can trust you and be sincere ,because ,eventually,the things that unite you are stronger that the things that could divide you,isn't it ?
Best of luck and,if you wish, keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi CindyCares. Thank you for your response. I agree with you that the comments my wife has made recently, specifically to indicate that she may still see abortion as an option, are information that would have been helpful in my original post. It was not an intentional omission. But, the comments have not been definitive in their indication of how she now feels about abortion. They have been vague comments that could, or could not indicate a present belief that abortion would be an option.
As a little background information, I recently had a vasectomy after the birth of our second child. We decided that 2 should be the limit. Inevitably, we heard horror stories of couples who had vasectomies that did not work, and a pregnancy occurred. We discussed how devastating this would be for us at this time. (She physically had a very hard time with her last pregnancy, and neither of us is eager to go through it again.) She has made comments such as, “I couldn’t go through with another pregnancy,” or “I just couldn’t do it again.” She has even made statements to the effect that she would have to do strenuous activities in order to cause a miscarriage. When I confronted her with the fact that this would be equivalent to having an abortion, she would respond with statements like, “Yes, I guess you are right.” Then, she would always end the conversations with statements like, “If I got pregnant again, of course we would have to live with it.” It always seems that she is ending the conversation by saying what she thinks I want to hear, rather than how she really feels.
In all honesty, I would feel the same way as she. Although I love my 2 daughters with all of my heart, I believe that we have our hands full and I would not want another child. But, if my wife became pregnant again, I would, without hesitation, opt for having the baby.
Soon567 summed up my dilemma precisely when he said, “Your partner may not like or accept the truth, but by keeping things from them, you are not allowing them to make THEIR choice.” I am distressed that my wife would have an abortion. But, I am more distressed that she would lead me to believe, before we were married, that she is pro-life, when her past actions and her recent comments indicate that she may be pro-choice. My primary concern is not that my wife had a former abortion. Rather, it is that I did not learn of this issue until after we were married; and even then, I find out about it by accident.
CindyCares, I DO have compassion for my wife. This is, precisely, why I am here at this website. I am trying to find a way to approach my wife with this information in a loving and caring way.
My feelings actually are hard to explain, or at least, I’m sure, hard to understand. I love my wife with every fiber of my being. We have a wonderful family, great children, and a mutual love and respect for each other. But to learn that she may have lied, or at least omitted, her true feelings about an issue that is so fundamental to my beliefs makes me question her honesty on other issues.
Just to let you know that I am not a “bible-thumping” anti-abortion advocate (although I am a religious person), I will tell you about a previous relationship where abortion was an issue. I was engaged once before my wife and I met. When I started dating this woman, and when things started to become serious, she told me that she had something to tell me about her past. She told me that she had had 2 abortions. She told me about her feelings since the abortions… some regrets and some reliefs. After this revelation, we worked through the issue, and we later became engaged. (We subsequently broke up for other reasons.) My point is that I am not instantly repulsed by someone who has had an abortion. Although I firmly disagree with the right to choose, I understand that there are good people on the other side who disagree with me.
Thank you for any advice you can give to me. I hope you can see that I am truly distressed. I am not here for a show, and I am not here to have a debate on whether abortion is right or wrong. I just want to know how to approach my wife, whom I love with all my heart and soul, with a question that is very, very, very important to me.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 June 2010):
Dear OP, you e3plained yourself very well and you raised many valid points in illustrating your position. Obviously you are entitled to your opinions anyway, and then again DC would not be the best venue for a debate about abortio9n.
All I am tryng to say is : be compassionate.
You feel compassion for unborn babies yet you have trouble extending this compassion to the weaknesses and frailties of a living human being, your wife.
Suppose a man falls in love with me. Suppose I am strongly against homosexuality ( which I am not,btw ) and suppose I am fiercely vocal about it. Now suppose that this guy had in his past ONE homosexual experience which now he regrets,is ashamed of, and does not want to repeat ever again. Should this man tell me about it ? Probably yes ?. WOULD he tell me about ? Probably not, knowing how extremely sanguine I am about the issue. He is afraid I would see him as dirty or evil or immoral. and that my moral stand would be stronger than my love for him. Would I be upset for his omission ? I guess. Would I understand where is coming from ? Yes, I believe I would.
You say ,in the last part of your post, that your wife says things indicating she WOULD in fact abort again if necessary... Ah but this is another story and we gave our comments without having this relevant piece of information. If she still considers abortion a possibility, that refers to the future not to the past, so it would indicate that she did not really change her mind about the issue, and your suspicion that she DID say just what you wanted to hear is worth beibg explored and clarified.
But how were we supposed to know that ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and advice. I would have thanked you sooner, but a storm caused a power failure at my home last evening and I was unable to access the website.It seems that I touched a nerve with my statement that my wife had "killed" her unborn child. Of course, I would never say something so bluntly to my wife. I do not see her (or others who have abortions) as being the same as a cold-blooded murderer. But I do believe that abortion is the killing of a defenseless human being, many times done for the convenience of the mother. I, too, have had people in my life who have caused inconvenience for me, but I should not have the right to kill them. That being said, I do understand the circumstances that might bring someone to the decision to have an abortion. I just believe that it is a wrong decision. I do not form my opinion from a strict religious perspective. I am a biologist, and I form my opinion from the perspective of a biologist who is concerned about the rights of an unborn human being. I happen to see abortion as the killing of a human being. It has very little difference, in my opinion, from the practice of "infant exposure," which was practiced by ancient Roman, Greek, and other societies. Unwanted children who had infirmities, who were born of the "wrong" sex, or who would cause financial hardship on the family, were allowed to be "abandoned" to the elements. Sometimes, the abandoned children were "rescued" by other families who wished to raise a slave child. The only difference I see in the practice of "abortion" and "infant exposure" is that with abortion, the child can be terminated up to the 20th week of gestation, whereas infant exposure extended the termination period until sometime after the child was born. With either practice, it is done for the convenience of the adults, with total disregard for the wellbeing, or the rights, of the infant.I did not say all of this in order to have a discussion on whether abortion is right or wrong. Rather, I want to let you know the perspective from which I form my opinions, as well as to let you know how important these beliefs are to me. A few responders understood my dilemma exactly...It is not about the fact that she had an abortion (which is something that probably would have caused me some concern had I known it.) Rather, it is about the fact that she told me that she could never have an abortion because she believed that abortion is wrong. But, she had already had an abortion when she said this to me.Just to let you know how open-minded I am on this issue, I dated a woman a few years ago who told me at the beginning of our relationship that she had had 2 abortions. I did not like to hear this information, but she and I talked at great lengths about her regrets, her pain regarding the abortions, and her sadness over the situation. Despite this information, she and I became engaged to be married at a later date. We subsequently broke up, for other reasons. But, I mention this only to let you know that I am not a hard-nosed opponent of abortion that cannot see the views of the other side.If this is a case where my wife had an abortion, has seen the consequences of that decision, and has changed her mind about the practice of abortion, then I could easily get past this dilemma. But, if she is hiding from me her true feelings about abortion, then I see it as an extreme betrayal. (She has made a few off handed comments since the birth of our second child that lead me to believe that she would be willing to take extraordinary measures to be sure that, in the event of an accident, we do not have another child.)This has nothing whatsoever to do with her past relationships, or any insecurities about past lovers. I do not care about that at all. I do, however, want to know if her feelings on abortion are a result of a newfound opinion, or whether she was telling me what she thought I wanted to hear in order not to offend me.Thank you for your advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): This whole thing is no different than when your partner lies about anything else in their past.
The other person had the right to live their own life but they had no right to tell you lies about it. Their lying stole a piece of your right to choose who you were marrying.
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female
reader, vamp-gal  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 There may be something you're missing here, your wife may have left out that she had an abortion in the past but the situation may have been difficult, or maybe she meant she could never have another one but didn't want to bring up the past for reasons which can only be assumed.
If you do approach the subject with her, it may have been a painful experience for her and she may not even be ready to re-live it yet.
Good Luck!
Hope this helps x
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): While to SOME extent I understand the rationale that so many aunts and uncles have on this and other subjects (particularly previous partners etc - to which my answer is "never ask") at the end of the day it is inevitable that if you find out your partner lied about something like this, you will question other things. I have no doubt she has changed her views because she had an abortion and have no doubt she probably didn't tell you because she knew how you felt. But, I'm sorry if I am old fashioned, but if you are in a serious relationship TRUST and RESPECT are of extreme importance. Your partner may not like or accept the truth, but by keeping things from them, you are not allowing them to make THEIR choice.
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female
reader, veronika  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Perhaps the reason she hid her previous abortion from you is because you seem so vehemently against abortion and she didn't want you to judge her, or dislike her for it?Perhaps she thought you wouldn't want to be with her because you seem to be so against abortion?I don't discount the fact that you're hurt, but think of it from another perspective. I don't advocate outright lying to your partner, but there are some things people hide from their partners for fear of judgment and rejection. You need to broach the subject delicately and non-judgmentally, but you probably already know that. The advice I can give is that you should think of it from different perspectives, not just from your point of view.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): my mum had an abortion in her 20's ... she was pro-choice and in a really bad situation where a child would have meant no escape. Not saying that justifies it but that were were reasons. Her experience and her guilt and even her knowledge now of what happens during an abortion has forever changed her ... she would never now get an abortion and she is seriously pro-life. In so much that when i got knocked up accidently that she offered to raised my baby when i had been tempted by abortion, she had taught me never to get one through her experience but i can be honest enough to say it was a choice that went through my mind. People change through life and i don't think she lied to you, i think she was pro-life when she met you because perhaps like my mum is was an awful thing to go through which she mostly genuinely regrets. We all have secrets and things we wish we hadn't done ... all you can do is live in the present and hope to have learnt/not to repeat the mistakes of the past etc. You sounds like a good guy but please don't be hurt by her past actions - you don't know what she already suffers as a consequence of what she has done especially now she seems so pro-life life you and she has given birth to two other babies. My mum says the gap never fills of where that child should have been and every child after has just demonstated what she willingly threw away. Personally i think you should either talk to her gentlely/non-judgementally or leave her to come tell you when she is ready.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2010):
C.Grant stole my words. I was gonna say that is very easy to be pro or against something in theory,on moral or conceptual grounds. But you reallly don't know the impact that is gonna have personally in your life until it has happened to you and you have experienced it on your own skin.
So it may be very well that you wife's experience has turned her into a sincere pro-lifer after what she went through.
She could/should have told you,yes. But I understand how she can have chickened out of that,knowing the strength of your opinions. In your post you say that your wife has killed her first child. It's hard to know that the man you love is gonna see you as a murderer.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 Perhaps the fact that, today, she says she doesn't believe in abortion is precisely because she had one.
For us men abortion may be a lot of things, but we cannot know what it means for a woman. Your wife may be against abortion, today, because she knows in her heart, in a way you never will, just what it means.
You may disapprove. You may very well have a fundamental problem with it. But in a sense your problem is academic.
If you love her, then give her a chance to explain. She may have come around to your way of thinking "the hard way".
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): How old was she? my wife was a teenager when she had an abortion. She is now 35 and we are happily married. She doesn't "believe" in abortion, but the person she is now, and the person she was when she was a teenager was very different. She had sex within a relationship, but felt too young to bring up a child, and did not feel she was in love with the guy. My wife loves children, she is a social worker and she dedicates much to them. But she made the best decision she could for that time in her life.You need to tread VERY carefully if you bring this up with your wife. You can't talk about your wife "killing" her baby. But if that is ultimately the harsh line that you want to take with her, then I don't see your marriage working out. She may have done something you would never imagine doing, but you are not a woman and so ultimately you will never really know what decision you would have made.No doubt your wife thinks about what happened a lot, and she should have told you. The reason she didn't is because she probably would have felt judged, and that you would have rejected and not loved her. That was the reason she was not truthful with you, not because she wanted to hurt you. I do believe you love your wife, from the way that you right. I think in this time you need to try and use this love to put how she must have felt when she was going through the abortion. For example, I remember my wife telling me that the guy involved was so uncaring that he never bothered to pick her up and take her home from the hospital, so she had to travel back on the bus! Imagine what a terrible experience that must have been, so alone and vulnerable. I suspect your wife had equally or more painful memories attached to that time of her life too.Hope you guys can get through this, which I am sure you can.. all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): The reason she might be pro life is because she regrets having an abortion, it has ruined people who I know, they can't believe they had ever done that, don't be too hard on her because it might be eating her up inside. Plus people change there opinions over a life time.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I agree, that's really bad of her to lie. She was probably scared though, that you wouldn't stay with her if you knew. You said yourself you feel like she killed a baby, and it must hurt her to know that even though she made a good decision at the time for her, you feel like she's a murderer. I know a lot of pro-life people who couldn't date someone who believed in having abortions. I agree, I would feel betrayed if I was you. Though I am pro-choice I think it's perfectly justified to feel like that because it's a big issue to you and she lied. You can't be sure she went through with it, so I think the only thing you can do is talk to her, and definitely don't start out by saying she killed a baby. I don't think you should end your marriage over it, just a discussion over why she lied.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): You need to let this go ... Think of it like this.Live and learn, Learn from your mistakes, shes also older and wiser.Her past, is her own ... she may dislike the idea of abortions now because she feels she made that mistake, or maybe because now shes with a man who loves her, instead of one that(possibly ) used her. You dont know the circumstances around her decision, and maybe if you didnt come across so adamant about it, she would share that detail with you.I had a conversation with my fiance the other night. I told him I dont like talking about my ex to him because I think it makes me look stupid to him, when I tell him how poorly I allowed this man to treat me. He told me he feels stupid because a past girlfriend was a heroin addict and he had no clue. Am I stupid ? Is he stupid ? Do we get to hold past relationships against each other.I also said, what if I told you I slept with 100 guys, but I went to a clinic and Im clean. The moral of that comment was that my past is my own .. but that by going to the clinic I have ensured him of his safety.Basicaly, you dont need to know every detail of your partners life before they were with you, only that they are now with you, and dedicated to you .. thats all that really matters.
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