A
male
age
41-50,
*imil
writes:Hi i am a 28yo Male who has been in a live in relationship for 1 year. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I found out early on that my current girlfriend had cheated on her last boyfriend and one when she was in her teens. My problem is she hasn't really explained what happened or why or anything she just told me, which I respect becasue she told me but it harbours some fears in me because of my own past.My other problem is that about 3 months in we were out drinking one night and one of her best friends ( who liked me befroe we got together ) told me that she had cheated on every boyfriend she had. I said I know and left it at that but this has continued to bug me. Is it 2 or more ?My trouble is I haven't told my girlfriend her friend said this too me as I don't want to cuase problems between them however I really feel I should know..She has said she would never cheat on me and has learnt her lesson but I feel if it is every boyfriend she has had what chance do I have?Should I bring it up ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Well, there is cheating and then there is, well, let's call it exploring. My wife and I are both once divorced and had married our only sexual partners when we were about 23. We had never had another meaningful relationship before we married. My wife got divorced when she was 30 and immediately met a nice guy. After a couple of months of going with him, she decided that it would not be good to fall in love with the first guy she had met. She told him that she wanted to go with other guys and that he should also. She went with a few other men during that 18 month relationship. Was this cheating? I don't think so.
Three years after her divorce I had been divorced for 6 months. I started dating my current wife. She was only my second serious relationship, the other being my first wife. She told me that she thought I should date others, as she had done. I dated several women over the next 3 years. She would know when I was dating because I would spend less time with her. I don't think that I was cheating either. She didn't date any others during that time. She already knew that I was the one she wanted. I believed her. She had no reason to lie.
We think that we were exploring. Sure, it was fun, but it also told both of us that we were the best partners that we thought we would find. We have never cheated on each other for the past 25 years and have found no reason to cheat or "explore". We still feel confident that we have found our best partners.
As to the friend who told you that she had cheated on every boyfriend that she ever had. Maybe it's true and maybe it's not. I think that you should gently bring it up with her. Don't accuse her of cheating on more than she told you. Just start a discussion at an appropriate time. You could start by saying, "I think that xxxxx is exaggerating your past history. She said some things when we were drunk that don't seem correct." See how it goes from there.
Exploring is not really a bad thing, in my opinion, during early relationships. It may prevent a person from marrying for the wrong reasons. At some time though, this exploring stage has to end and a more committed relationship begun. I think that it worked for both my current wife and myself. We know that what we have is better than what we would have had with our other partners.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 Much of this depends on the age when was when these things happened. Cheating is cheating but the severity changes when you're not married. When we're young we're supposed to date and explore. It's best to be honest though and finish one relationship before another.
If she was 17 and went out with one guy while dating another I'd consider it to be inappropriate but understandable based on age. As she got older, her awareness of what is appropriate should have changed accordingly. Also, it would have been nice to know the nature of what they considered to be "cheating". That is a general term. Some people would consider that an accurate description of someone who was dancing with another guy. Maybe she was talking on the phone with another guy. Get my point?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I'm with Collaroy
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A
male
reader, limil +, writes (24 October 2007):
limil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue we were out and she was drunk. And yes I respect her for telling me especially as she knew my history. And I can also say i haven't / don't suspect her of doing anything wrong I guess I have just had this lingering thought...
i guess in my mind there is a difference between making mistakes in the past and constantly making the same mistake in regards to cheating. Thanks for your thoughts!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 Hi,
this is a bit of a tough one. First and foremost, I would discount what her friend said , if she holds a bit of a torch for you then it isnt to hard for to exaggerate her girlfriends promiscuity. Doesnt really say much about this girl does it - she's some friend!
But where there's smoke there's fire as they say. Your girlfriend has admitted cheating before and she probably said this to you as she imagined that you would find out anyway. There's nothing wrong with that, it still took a lot of courage to come clean and boy it would have been hard, who wants to tell the person they love that they cheated on the last person they loved?
I think you have to give your girlfriend credit for coming clean and I would give her the benefit of the doubt. As we get older our priorities change and often with that the insecurities of our youth. You have been together a year and its really only her girlfriends words which have made you think isnt it? You mention nothing about her behaviour which suggests she is cheating.
Give her the benefit of the doubt , she owned up and has committed herself to you, what more can she do ?
Good luck.
p.s You might want to have a discreet word with your gf about her friend, it really is uncalled for ( the only excuse I would countenance is if she said it while she was really drunk and was feeling jealous of you and your girlfriend - these things happen)
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A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 hey ,look i wanna give you some advice from my own expireince...if u beleive that ur girlfreind loves you don't be scared everyone has a history but u still have the right to know the truth... but it is really obvious that if her freind used to like u will she would say anything to make u break up so don't get so upset ,if u beleive she loves you then she won't cheat ...but if u doubt her love then in both ways u have to talk to her because comunication is what builds a good relationship not secrets.... talk to her gently and don't accuse her about anything .... good luckxxx
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A
female
reader, lilgirly +, writes (24 October 2007):
hey ,look i wanna give you some advice from my own expireince...if u beleive that ur girlfreind loves you don't be scared everyone has a history but u still have the right to know the truth... but it is really obvious that if her freind used to like u will she would say anything to make u break up so don't get so upset ,if u beleive she loves you then she won't cheat ...but if u doubt her love then in both ways u have to talk to her because comunication is what builds a good relationship not secrets.... talk to her gently and don't accuse her about anything .... good luckxxx
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