A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was an arse. I've been with this woman for a year and she has been saving herself for marriage. Last week, she asked me to let her experience only a bit of myself and I impulsively took her. She hasn't stopped crying for days. She says she loves me but we aren't married and she wanted to be married. She's much younger, mind you. I do want to marry her but think if I ask her now she'll think I'm only doing it because of what happened. I don't want her to hate me.What do I do to fix this??
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 I don't get the whole scenario... the hymen is situated at the entrance of the vaginal opening, it has a passage in it for menstrual blood which will possibly let a finger or a tampon slip through, but certainly not an erected penis, did not she know that at 19 ?? Did YOU not know that, at over 30 ??
Another thing I don't get, what was she exactly saving for marriage ? her hymen only I guess. A technical virginity , not a spiritual/moral one, because now you tell me what's the big difference between being naked belly up open-legged with an erected penis poking around your genitalia AND an intact hymen, and the same scenario but the hymen is gone.
That's the same concept of virginity that some Muslim friends of mine have ( and not to speak bad about Muslims !, but that's exactly what they have told me ) - no vaginal penetration before the wedding.. and a lot of anal penetration.
That's not to scold you or your gf, because you are surely entitled to make your sexual choices as you more see fit and that's only your business. But just to try and bring back the accident to due proportion and context, and make your gf see things in more adult way : if it's about the hymen, she can have reconstructive surgery ( and you could offer to pay for it, or to split the costs 50/50). If it's about "saving " herself in the sense of saving her body for living a special unique experience for the first time with a special person... ah well that was gone anyway before you poppped her cherry.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 I didn't imply she had sex before. What I said was this....if she's never had sex before she wouldn't know the difference. If someone had a six inch object and stuck it in my ear, or another oriface, I wouldn't know if it was inserted 1/4,1/3,1/2 or 3/4 of the way. If I moved in anticipation of the insertion, that could also cause the person inserting the object to insert further.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (30 September 2011):
"she asked me to only slip it in a small few inches so she would know half of how I felt in her."
Your girlfriend is being rediculous, so stop apologising to her.
She would have lost her virginity by letting you "slip it in" doesn't she know that?
I think you are beating yourself up too much. And, actually, this girl sounds like hard work. I would run a mile.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 September 2011):
 sorry, but i think you are being manipulated by her. she wants to wait til marriage? fine, but why ask you to slip a bit in and then cry when you push it in too far? i don't see how anyone can be that naive that they would expect you to slip it in to exactly only their specified amount of inches / cms. i think you might find that she actually wants you to ask her to marry her. she is sick of waiting so she thought she would do something to hurry things along. if she loves you why is she so disgusted and disappointed with herself??
propose - i bet the tears will soon dry up
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (29 September 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl.
She asked for you to do that, and maybe was not expecting the reality of what she asked for.
If she thinks that half a penis still makes her a virgin then she is living in a fantasy land.
She is 19, but clearly not ready for a sexual adult relationship. I would seriously consider whether your age gap is actually suitable.
She is obviously a very YOUNG 19 year old, you are early/mid 30's.
She says she wants to wait til marriage - that could be another 5-10 years time(you would be late 30's/early 40's) are you willing to put your life on hold to wait for this girl to mature to your level?
Do you want kids? A secure life, marriage, a home? How long are you willing to wait?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Oh boy, u both got caught up in the sexual moment and now she is having buyers remorse.I think we are all getting a bit too harsh/agro against this 19 year old. The OP is some 13/14 years older than his gf. Surely he knows that there is no degree of penetration (meaning no inch by inch) . So they BOTH were foolish and both are to blame. OP if u love her, u will be compassionate , sensitive and help her through this uneasy time in her life. Oh, yes and keep your promise to marry her.NB: the Aunts will be soooo surprised to hear that a lot of people (males as well as females) understand that there are degrees of penetration. Yep, some men hoodwink their gfs into thinking that the penis will not be fully inserted , thus still enabling them to remain virgins. (Trust me, I have first hand knowledge of this). Naïve? Foolish? Trusting the wrong person? Call it what u want BUT this still happens nowadays (well the OPs case proves it)So everyone I can fully understand why the 19 year old assumed that she will still be a virgin by the degree of penetration. I also think she is upset at herself for allowing this act to progress.This was a "crime" of passion!LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 She's 19 and not a baby. If she doesn't know what constitutes as a virgin or not then she's to blame herself, not anyone else. As the adult that she is, although young adult, she is responsible for her own education and her own knowledge about things.
But you're as responsible as her, you should know too what it means to insert a penis, halfway or all the way, it means you're not a virgin any more.
But I really don't think her age excuses her, she's an adult, and if she needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. That means she needs to toughen up and accept that she asked for it and she got it. If her virginity was so important to her she'd not have asked you to insert your penis...!
Just give her some days to sob and she should start to feel better. You're NOT to take full blame for this. You and her are equally at fault, because you both should have known better. Do not apologize profusely, because she needs to take responsibility for her own actions. She's adult after all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 BASED on what you are saying she asked for you to do what you did. YOU complied to the best of your ability.
She is being unfair. SHE asked. and ANY penetration whether halfway or all the way is still Penetration.
IF you planned to ask her to marry you anyway... go ahead and start talking about it now with her...
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2011):
Ah, well, she basically asked for it. You see, even if you only slipped in half of your penis, that alone would have been enough to take her virginity. Even if your girlfriend got only what she asked for, she's not be a virgin any more. I think she's been spinning these little stories to herself about what is and what is not virginity. If I were you I would have not agreed to even enter her a tiny bit, because a virgin is only a virgin as long as NO PENIS has been in her, no matter how far in, how deep, or for how long! She and you both should have known what is and what is not "virginity".
She was just stretching the line, and so were you, thinking "well she's still a virgin if we only go in half". Likewise you can spin her the same story and tell her that "well, you are still a virgin because we didn't have full intercourse yet". See if she calms down from hearing that. But come on, she'd not have been a virgin any more even if you just went in with half of your penis. If you have 6 inches and went in with 3, you should know that some penises are only 3 inches, and they are still capable of taking someones virginity. It's not as if every woman is a virgin until she's been with a man of at least this or that many inches....
She will calm down. When you hear her cry, comfort her by putting your arm around her. She's not mad at you, she's mad at herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Hi I really feel you need to talk with her about it and try and be mature about it, it seems it went out of control and you did not manage to stop or did you stop? How impulsive was it exactly, if you can manage to rationlise exactly what happened without any emotion and take the drama out of it you can see if you were at fault and what happened.
What do you mean by 'took' exactly I think to fix this you will need to be honest and go into some detail. to determine if it is as bad as you think it is, if it is then you'll need to deal with it and if it isn't well that's good right and you can work through it.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (29 September 2011):
Don't beat yourself up. If its like you describe then you're girlfriend is just as responsible for what happened. Some women need to cry after a sexual encounter, even when they are very satisfied! I never really understood that but think its something to do with a clash of their emotional and 'moral' desires. I suspect it is a combination of regret that they gave in to their body, and also, especially in the case of virgins, no pun intended, the total anticlimax of the whole thing!
For you in the current situation you have to avoid being blamed by your gf. Be caring and gentle but always say it is something you did together. And next time make sure she has a great orgasm first, that seems to help :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Hmm...that's a bit different. She must realize that penetration, however slight, is enough to end the state of virginity. Any law regarding sex crimes always adds the part "penetration, however slight, is enough to complete the act".
When she asked you to slip it in a couple of inches, she's no longer a virgin. If what you say is true, I take back some of what I said. You did exercise a lot of self-control if you didn't just cut loose and start grinding.
She made a decision that wasn't a smart one if she wanted to remain a virgin until she was married. The moment even the slightest bit of your penis went inside her, she ceased her virginity. Doesn't matter if you ejaculated or not.
You may have lost control for a second, but make no mistake. *She* chose to end her virginity even if you hadn't pushed too deep that once.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): Eddie, are you insinuating that she had done something of the sort before?? I know her and I can tell you I'm the first man to ignite her desires. Which is why I feel so terrible.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (29 September 2011):
I'm not sure there's any blame here. Permission to insert a penis a bit of the way??? When does it become consentual? 3/4, 4/5, 7/8 of the way in. how much is a bit?
If she had never had sex before, how did she know the difference? I believe she was in the mood, went too far and regretted it. Two adults were having sex and one should not have been there because she was not mentally ready. As far as rape, that sounds heavy to me as the woman agreed to partial intercourse. As crazy as that sounds. that is what she agreed to do. It sounds like splitting hairs. You should not have pushed all the way but this was a playing with fire situation.
I believe this, if you want to be a virgin when you marry.....don't allow your penis to enter a vagina or your vagina accept a penis....even a little bit.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (29 September 2011):
 "I did not ejaculate inside her. I had given her oral sex and she asked me to only slip it in a small few inches so she would know half of how I felt in her. Once I slipped in too deep. I lost control for that one moment. I pulled out right away. She just kept still, with her eyes wide open, and then she started to cry." I think your girlfriend's being ridiculous. Asking for a few inches -- what did she expect? Does she really think that after receiving oral sex and having you penetrate her 'just an inch or two' she could still consider herself a virgin? Clearly the only thing she was thinking of saving for marriage was her hymen, but there's a good chance she tore it long ago or wasn't even born with one! As far as I can see oral sex is sex, and half-penetration is definitely sex, and if your girlfriend thinks that if you'd only gone halfway she'd still be 'pure' for marriage -- she's deluding herself! The experience, the emotions, the intimacy are all the same. Of course none of this logic will help your girlfriend because she sounds like she's too stuck in ideals to grasp the reality of what she asked for. But as far as I can see, unless this girl is a minor, you did nothing wrong. Either way I'd take a hard look at whether this girl is too young for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): She's nineteen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): What is the age difference...in other words, how young is this woman?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): I did not ejaculate inside her. I had given her oral sex and she asked me to only slip it in a small few inches so she would know half of how I felt in her. Once I slipped in too deep. I lost control for that one moment. I pulled out right away. She just kept still, with her eyes wide open, and then she started to cry. Saying she wanted to be married when that happened. I said I was sorry a hundred times. Said it was okay, that she knew it wasn't my fault. Tried her best to make me feel better, as she always does. She always makes sure I'm okay but I can't because I hear her crying when she thinks I've fallen asleep. Every night. I don't know if her crying at night will make her grow hatred for me because she's hiding how she's feeling. I didn't want to post much details because it's personal and because maybe it was too explicit. But you say you need to know. I did not rape her. She never yelled for me to stop.. quite the opposite.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2011):
You will need to explain what you mean by "impulsively". What actually happened? I understand you don't want to go into detail, but did she scream for you to stop while you continued or was it a small slip and you stopped right away?
I'm opting for the last one here, that you and her were getting it on, and she was turned on and things were hot and heavy. You rubbed up against her, and woops, there it went. And then you quickly pulled out when you noticed and she panicked. If that is the case, then really, she is as much to blame as you. She was playing with fire. And when things get slippery down there, well, I've had it happen too. It just slides in by itself if you're in the right position.
So you weren't careful. But neither was she. Which means you aren't an ass, it was not intended. You should comfort her and talk to her and give her time to heal, and just let her deal with this at her own pace, and then talk to her about marriage and say that you and her, next time, will do it the proper way, with a ring on her finger.
However... if by "impulsively" you mean you rammed into her because you were too horny to stop, went in deep and maybe even ejaculated, then that's a completely different story. And if that's what happened then she will probably hate you, and with every right to.
So, what happened? You will have to give us more detail about what went down, and you need to be honest.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2011):
 Ask her to marry you, if you planned to do it anyway. She now thinks you are a user, so prove to her that you are not.
Grovel. Apologize. Grovel some more.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 September 2011):
Well, as stupid as she was for even asking for something like that in the first place, am I understanding that she only wanted to feel what you felt like near her privates, and you not only entered her and broke her hymen without her consent, but you finished and had an orgasm inside her?
What was her reaction when you entered her?? Was she crying then? Did she tell you to stop? Did you pay her no heed while you were inside her, but stayed in until you released?
I don't know about the UK, but in the US, that could be charged as rape because she did not consent to you doing that. What it certainly was was a gross violation of her trust in you. If you felt like you lacked the self-control to "experiment" like she wanted, you should have turned her down and told her that you wouldn't be able to stop yourself. You could have used your hand to relieve yourself. You could have pulled away from her. I don't buy that you had no option. To have taken her would have meant to ignore her crying.
If I were advising her, I'd tell her to leave you and maybe call the police on you, especially if you came inside her with no condom. You didn't think that she wouldn't get pregnant????
Sorry, but I don't know how to get her not to hate you, because what you did was really horrible.
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