A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for about a year, and my wife only wants to have sex about once a week (if that). She has had minimal interest in sex since we first started seeing each other about three years ago. She has said she's just not that interested in sex anymore (she's 34), but I do know that she was highly sexual about 4 years ago with one of her prior boyfriends. I've gotten frustrated with her lack of interest in sex, and I find myself thinking she's just not very attracted to me sexually compared to her exes (at the least the one). I've said to her frequently that she just doesn't seem to be as attracted to me sexually as she was to her prior boyfriends. I've read books on relationships, sex, etc., but nothing seems to generate any real desire or spark in her.When I say to her "you just don't seem to be as attracted to me sexually as you were to your exes" she doesn't respond. She has said it's true that there hasn't really been much of a "spark" on her part since we met. She oftens says she's just too tired, that her job is too stressful, etc. But, she had the same job as she does now at the time she was seeing her ex, so this seems like it's just an excuse. She seems to have plenty of time and energy to surf facebook, go out with her friends, etc.I've basically just given up on ever having much of a sex life with her, and I figure I'll just have to accept the fact that she's never going to be nearly as attracted to me sexually as she was to her exe (she had said that he was a complete loser other than sex). Is it reasonable to assume that her lack of a response when I say that "you just don't seem to be as attracted to me sexually as you were to your exes" shows that what I'm saying is at least partly true? Would I be better off moving on and finding someone I'm more compatible with sexually? Before we got married, she had said she would be much more interested in sex after we got married and were living in the same house, etc. (she didn't live wih her ex either, and it appears ot have been rather dumb on my part to have believed her when she said the sex woiuld get better, etc.).
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male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (5 May 2012):
 Lke the first poster said, you are more lucky than you believe. Once a week is a blessing in disguise compared to my once a ' if I feel like it' mood with my now ex. I have now gone three months without seeing so much as an actual boob. THREE MONTHS! So the week that you are complaining about, many guys would desire. I actually wish I was in your shoes right about now. A steady supply of something is better than a rare supply of nothing. AND I'M ONLY 24. My only advise to you is to be grateful for what you are getting. You have it better than you believe.
A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (4 May 2012):
 I would love once a week, but I'm lucky if I get it once a month.
So see, it's not always the woman who doesn't want it, in my case it's the man.
And I never in a million years thought I would find myself in such a situation.
Try seducing her more- massage her, scratch her back, brush her hair and end it kissing her neck, rub her clit on the outside of her pants.
Tell her how pretty she is, how pretty her lips are, compliment her daily on her clothes, how she looks, her hair, her smell...
These things help and are things I desire and don't so much get, so I just assume, other women would desire such things as well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "Asking her if she’s not as attracted to you as her ex is cruel and puts her on the spot.. it may be true but she’s married to YOU for reasons that may or may not have to do with sex."
Asking his wife that question is not nearly as cruel as she is being to him if it's true. It's extremely cruel to marry someone you aren't really attracted to under false pretenses and then never be sexually excited about them.
(Yes she might have married him for "other reasons" and been lying about being attracted to him - that is called using someone.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2012): Sometimes I feel like a strong effort should be made like treating her extra special or doing something nice for her to get her in the mood. I think after marriage sometimes a man can get lazy as well an everything is so routine. Make a nice evening for her if you get the chance and if she doesn't go forward then its her problem!
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I smell hormones here. She should go to her gynacologist and have a check up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2012):
 First of all stop comparing your relationship with your wife to prior relationships. Every relationship is different and the dynamics change. Asking her if she’s not as attracted to you as her ex is cruel and puts her on the spot.. it may be true but she’s married to YOU for reasons that may or may not have to do with sex.
Secondly… sex almost always diminishes when you move in. I mean it did for us…
And yes while sex is important it’s NOT the be all to end all of a relationship…
She may not be as sexually satisfied with you as she was with an ex which is why sex has waned… that’s a bit of our problem.. I love my partner. But sexually he’s just a loser so I’m not keen to be bothered with all the mess and bother of sex… but I’ll happily give a BJ… perhaps your wife could compromise that way with you?
Are you really willing to end a MARRIAGE over this? What else is wrong in the marriage? Are you having sex 2-4 times per month… granted you are newlyweds but this is pretty average for married folks in your age range. I’d kill for once a week…or once every two weeks even… FWIW I want sex a lot more than my partner…. He’s 38 and I’m 52 and my drive is much higher than his but I just take care of myself and know that the rest is ok…
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A
female
reader, Latti +, writes (27 April 2012):
I really empathize with you & know this situation all to well. My ex-husband & I had the same problem, but he was the one with the low sex drive. I had the same feelings that maybe he just wasn't attracted to me although, I am very attractive & 13 years younger than him. He seemed to have been more sexual in his past relationships.
We went to marriage counseling, sex therapy, checked everything out to make sure there were no medical issues & all checked out fine. We even scheduled dates to have sex, but he just had no desire. I took this very personal.
Sex is not everything in a relationship, but IT IS VERY IMPORTANT! She just may have a low sex drive....with you. People are different from 1 relationship to the next, however, I would encourage you to try everything....marriage counseling, new techniques, romancing her, ask her what she likes sexually, buy some toys, ask her fantasy, do it on vacation, on the beach, try to find out what you think is missing. Marriage is for keeps & if she is willing...you can make it through this....together with both of your needs being met. Also, let her know this is really affecting you & the marriage. She sounds reasonable, so find out what missing for her as well. I wish you the best!
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A
male
reader, xgod +, writes (27 April 2012):
 You lucky man... If she is willing to have sex with you more than once a month after age 30, you are a lucky husband. Most men who have been married for a while or even a few years will attest to the fact that wives generally stop caring about their appearance and usually figure that - since you are hers now - she does not have to provide the great times in bed that she would have if you were not married.Many marriages tend to settle into a pattern that allows sex to be something you just do when one of you needs it most. For her to give you sex every week is amazing in the eyes of many of us men who can barely even convince our wives to do it once a month.When I met my wife, we were at it constantly. After moving in together (before marriage) she and I would go crazy every other night, sometimes every day, and even a few occasions two or three times in a single day. After marriage, it was like a cold wet fist to he gut when she kept saying no. Within a month after the honeymoon, she began making excuses or insisting it would not happen "tonight" and it got to the point where we are now - years later - barely talking, sharing a home with our cats (no kids, unfortunately) and sex maybe once a month, if that. There have been whole three-month stretches when she and I never even saw one another awake. Working multiple jobs at odd shifts without a set schedule can do that. Both of us working leaves us totally exhausted and, even though as a man I have the desire and drive, there are times when I am just so exhausted, it is too much to try.For you, it seems you focus way too much on the fact that she had exes who pleasured her. Read some books on different techniques for pleasing a woman. Find things you have never done with her before. Then the next time she agrees to sex, try it out - as long as it is not too extreme. Surprise her by making her feel things with you she has never felt with you before. It should encourage her to rethink her once-a-week plan.
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