A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for like a year and a half. I go to school and work and i try my best to make time for her. I'm not the perfect man and i've been told by her that i'm not the best listener and i understand that. When we where dating for like 8moths, she wanted me to get a apartment with her. Now she's telling me to get us a place of our own again. She mentions getting a place for us numorous times already like once a week. I've talked to her that we may not afford to move and she says we can get a Studio instead.She also considers me a mama's boy couse i'm still living with my parents and i go to school and work part time. I don't feel like i'm ready to move out since i have responsabilities here at home like taking care of a sibling and sometimes lying to my parents that i'm at school instead of picking up my sibling up from school just to spend time with her. She beleives i need to put her on top of my priorities and care for her and agree with her most of the time. I admit i'm selfish sometimes and I can be stubborn and i know some of my decisions are not the best and i ignore her advise sometimes. So i won't say she's a problem because i can be a problem as well. I don't make alot of money since i work part time. She has agreed to help pay for the bills and give up going out or being in a budget just to live in a new place. Her family have been very negative to her. She gets very depressed at home because her mother and grandmother would curse her out and she would cry to me sometimes saying that all she wants is to move.I've told her i'll try looking for a place next year when i get a degree. Yet she claims i don't take her seriously or listen to her when she says she wants to move and get our own place. I try to spend s much time with her as i can to keep her happy and sometimes its only for a sleepover and dropping her off the next day to her work. We live like 25miles away so i drive alot and spend like 70$ a week and working part time with school expenses and phone bills make it hard but i manage to not lose money. But also, i don't save any money. She's the talkative one in our relationship and i'm quiet so we manage to balance each other and it works out. I really do love her and she does make me happy but i feel moving with her to a place might be too hard for my family and me. I love my family and they need my help sometimes when it comes to my younger sibling and dating for a year and a half and moving out seems so soon. It might just be that i'm making and excuse because i'm 23 and she's 21. Must i move out so she that she escapes her home that makes her cry alot and stresses her out to the point i feel she may be bipolar? or should i keep making excuses that i don't want to move out? I've been honest and months ago we agreed we can't afford it. Now she feels its time again and dating for a short time and leaving my old life seems like she wants what's best for her and not for me. How long have any of you moved to a new place while dating for a short time like me? Should i move out because she's telling me? Or should i keep saying no and have her miserable in her house and keep complaining that i don't care and that i'm just telling her to wait longer.Sorry this is long but i really need help.Thank you
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2012):
 I don't know what area you live in, but when I lived in USA we rented a one bedroom flat for 750 dollars a month. That flat had a huuuge living room and a decent kitchen, and it was lovely, and downtown. Although, it was in a smaller town on the east-coast...
Are you sure there's nothing cheaper out there for her? And if she doesn't make enough move to live on her own then really.. she can't afford to move out with you. She can't! Two people can NOT sit on top of each other in a small box of an apartment and expect to be happy ever after... You'll both go insane and start hating each other. If you move then you'll need to rent a flat with AT LEAST a bedroom and a living room, so that one of you can take the couch after a fight or after coming home late. One couples who finish each others sentences, wear matching clothes, and are both non-confrontational could ever live up close on each other like your girlfriend suggests.
Here where I live, when you move in together you rent a flat that costs usually just the same as BOTH of the people's rent. That means when I pay 600 dollars (for example) one place, and you pay 600 dollars somewhere else to stay, and you suggest you move in together, you need a place that costs at least 1200 dollars combined. You really should not, at all, ever, live together in a small confined space.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I agree with all of the others on here. I further want to reassure you that moving in together is not an obligated "next step" in a relationship. She's wrong in trying to make you feel like you don't care enough because you don't want to move in.
You are in school and you work. Your financial plate is full enough right now. If she truly wants to move in with you simply in order to escape her home life, and she was pledging the ability to pay the lion's share financially, then all she really has to do is look at the newspaper/internet and interview the TONS of roommate/room for rent ads out there and move in with someone to help mitigate the expenses.
I can't stress enough that you need to stand your ground and tell her that you aren't interested in moving out now, and that you're not in a place mentally and financially to do so. You have to graduate and establish your career, and you're not there yet. It's not fair for her to want to use you for escape, and that's what this is -- using you.
I have never lived with anyone I dated before I got married. There are financial and personal risks involved in moving in together that I wasn't willing to take, and I never thought that domesticity and playing house equaled a commitment strong enough for me to put my financial affairs at risk. Not that I have a moral problem with anyone else doing it, because there are benefits to it.
Stand your ground. This is a big step, and you're not ready, and her reasons are selfish ones.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. One issue is that she works 2 jobs because her first job didn't give her enough hours to work so now she's working a good amount of hours.She can't get a studio because it's like 1,200 a month and she doesn't make that much and the one's near my area are not available. I have suggested renting a room for her but she just keeps saying she wants a place where it will be quiet since her current home (pardon my language) surrounded mostly by woman who are pretty stubborn. She's tried going to college again several times but she keeps saying her family is the problem and prevent her from finishing work since it's all loud and they bug her.Back in HS she passed alot of her AP classes so she's very smart in history, politics, and music.I've suggested moving with a friend but she doesn't want that either. She just wants peace somewhere.She's mentioned trying to find a place close to me so i won't have to drive far and she can live alone in a studio or something but we haven't found a place open. Thank you though everyone for your advise. I'll tell her i'm really not ready and i have told her months before that next year i'll graduate and move out with her but for right now i'm sticking to finishing college and getting a AA and work. She really is a person i love and i know we fight like all couples. She helped me eat healthy because before i would only drink soda and chips and now i'm more energenic and not tired. I also enjoy playing video games with her since where both nerds. And she's been able to save up money with my help because before she would spend it all on clothes and random stuff.So we both try and learn from each other and want to live happy lives.I just feel like i'm not ready to handle leaving and start paying more bills.I don't mind moving a few miles away but moving 22 miles is to much for now if we do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. One issue is that she works 2 jobs because her first job didn't give her enough hours to work so now she's working a good amount of hours.She can't get a studio because it's like 1,200 a month and she doesn't make that much and the one's near my area are not available. I have suggested renting a room for her but she just keeps saying she wants a place where it will be quiet since her current home (pardon my language) surrounded mostly by woman who are pretty stubborn. She's tried going to college again several times but she keeps saying her family is the problem and prevent her from finishing work since it's all loud and they bug her.Back in HS she passed alot of her AP classes so she's very smart in history, politics, and music.I've suggested moving with a friend but she doesn't want that either. She just wants peace somewhere.She's mentioned trying to find a place close to me so i won't have to drive far and she can live alone in a studio or something but we haven't found a place open. Thank you though everyone for your advise. I'll tell her i'm really not ready and i have told her months before that next year i'll graduate and move out with her but for right now i'm sticking to finishing college and getting a AA and work. She really is a person i love and i know we fight like all couples. She helped me eat healthy because before i would only drink soda and chips and now i'm more energenic and not tired. I also enjoy playing video games with her since where both nerds. And she's been able to save up money with my help because before she would spend it all on clothes and random stuff.So we both try and learn from each other and want to live happy lives.I just feel like i'm not ready to handle leaving and start paying more bills.I don't mind moving a few miles away but moving 22 miles is to much for now if we do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): Haha I love Chigirl's reply and she's completely correct. All that you'll be doing is swapping one mammy for another. Except this other mammy is just going to be bossy, domineering and demanding. She wants you to solve her problems for her OP and doesn't reallyseem to care that doing so would create massive problems for you andyour family.
It's a no-brainer really OP. You can't sacrifice your or your families well being just because she doesn't like living at home. If she wants to move out then she's free to get her own place isn't she? This isn't the 1950's, women can live independently now and don't need us guys to save them.
OP in that sense you need to man up and put your foot down. Tell her you can't yet, tell her she knows this and you're not going to change your mind because simply have no choice. Tell her it's not going to happen until you're ready so she may aswell drop the subject.
Any time she mentions it just say you've made your decision and you can't change your mind. I don't see the issue here OP, she wants you to move in with her, you're not going to do that yet and that's all there is to it right? Just tell her that. "Baby, it's not happening, forget about it."
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 April 2012):
-sigh- You girlfriend is accusing you of being a mommy's boy, yet there she goes trying to dominate you and tell you what to do and expect you to bid her every command. Talk about double standards.
No, don't move in with her. She's not treating this relationship, or you, right. She can, sure, but as long as she isn't: don't let her take you for a ride. She sounds very bossy and needy, and you do not have the time or resources to do as SHE pleases. But instead of accepting that like an adult she whines about it instead.
No, moving in with her will not make her happier in the relationship, she'll just have things her way and then start demanding more and more and more. And YOU need to put your foot down and tell her to respect YOUR decision. You do not want to move in with her, at least not yet, for a number of different reasons. One, you're not ready, two, you can't afford it and you don't want to live in a studio either (wouldn't recommend that at all!!), three: you have responsibilities at home. While you try to accommodate her to the best of your abilities the line needs to be drawn at this.
If she needs to move out then support her in that, and help her find a place ON HER OWN. She sounds very dependent on you. Help her get up on her own two feet. If she is unhappy at home help her find a place to live, but on her own, or she can live with a friend.
She does want whats best for her, rather than what is best for you, or best for your relationship. Don't accuse her of that though, or argue with her on it. She's not perfect either, we're all just humans and have our selfish moments. But yes, she's thinking primarily about HERSELF in this situation. So stand your ground, put your foot down.
To ease things up, you can tell her for example that once you are finished with your studies and have found a proper job, you will move in with her. That way she'll feel that you do take her seriously, and having something to look forwards to will help her cope with it. Then try to help her plan how SHE can move out ON HER OWN, and live on her own. Maybe she can come live closer to you, so that you can save money on transportation, and use that money to do nice things together instead?
Remember though: be a team. Don't make this into a you vs me situation. Be a team, work this through, and make a plan that works for the both of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): Do not do it, this is your choice and stick to it. You are not ready to leave home and as you are still at College financially unable to on p/t wages. You are being very wise and in no way a mummys boy. Thats rubbish.
Your girl is only looking to solve HER problems, if leaving home is what she wants then there are other ways to share living space with other people. She just WANTS you to be the one and your not ready.
You need to tell her its not about to happen and suggest other options she could take. Yes it sounds harsh but this is her problem not yours. If you help her find a flatshare then at least you will feel you have done something positive.
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A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (27 April 2012):
 If you're not ready--don't do it! You are not being a mama's boy, you're just being smart with your money. Honestly, in this day and age, that's a good thing! I stayed at home while I attended college and it saved me a LARGE amount of money! If you are lucky enough to be able to do that, then good for you.
If you end up moving in together, then odds are stacked against you. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it'll be really hard to pay your rent and bills on time and go to school, study, and finish your homework. You don't want to be a statistic and one of those students who never finish college because they have bills to pay.
As for her living with her negative family, there's really not much that can be said. She can get a full-time job and rent herself a studio apartment if she wants. If you are serious with her, which from your question, it doesn't seem to be that serious, but if you are, then consider asking your parents if she can move in for a small amount of rent. If that's not an option, is she attending college? If so, maybe she can get a dorm or look for a roommate herself.
The best thing you can do right now is be selfish and think about yourself and your future first and foremost. Sounds mean right? Well...it's the truth! If she doesn't understand where it is that you are coming from, then she probably isn't mature enough to be in a relationship with you in the first place. The worst thing you can do in a relationship is add stress to it--which is exactly what you will be doing adding rent and bills on a low-budget.
I wish you all the luck.
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