A
male
age
36-40,
*oubtingOne23
writes:I would like to be objective, but I realize being in the relationship makes it impossible. That said here it goes...I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. Were both 23. It has been pretty good save a few big blowups one of which was 6 mo. in where we broke up for a week. August of last year I chose to go back to school to finish my degree. The start of this problem lies in the fact that my girlfriend was upset I didn't consult her first. Ok fast forward to present day.TYro weeks ago Sunday we had a fight where she said if we broke up she would probably kill herself, this was the thirdtime she's said that in our relationship. And she also said if i dumped her down the road she'd kill me. At the time she was very upset to the point of shouting and threatening toleave me because; 1) she was upset It too me 3 days before untold her I missed her, 2) I told her that saying she was going to kill herself was not healthy, and it's something to get help for. She flipped out and said if I thought she was serous then we should just end the relationship. After me being adamant, she broke down crying and I comforted her. After that I met up with an old female friend from highschool/college, nothin romantic, just needed someone objective to talk to, and we have both always lent an ear to listen to each other. I did not tell my girlfriend because the one and only female friend I had, she made me promise to not hang out with, and at the time I agreed after a lengthy argument. Then another account was when untold her about a time before I met her when a girl who turned out to be a friend from her highschool stuck her hand down my pants and made out with me, I told her it was awkward but she was upset with me an let me know it. That's why I didn't tell her. My friend told me after hearing my account that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and looking into the signs myself it's hard to say because I'm in the middle of it. As of now we just got over a massive fight where I was preparing to throw in the towel because I felt I could nolonger talk to her. Please note, I know I have issues with communication but I feel part of it is how I have been treated by her in the past. The fight started because she felt I wasn't showing her enough love, and that I was hanging out with her, but didn't want to. I was distant I will admit but I was trying to make things work, tried to break out of the monotony we were in. I wanted to put aside the thought of emotional abuse. Soni told her my problems as best I could verbalized them given the fact we argued in circles for an hour beforehand. It ended comming out not as serious as it was. Basicly comming down feeling the monotony ofnour relationship, we stopped doing anything accept going to each others houses and sitting around. And secondly, that I felt I couldn't do things without her and not be punished for it later. Unsaid we need counciling and she was very resistant to the idea at first and eventually agreed but said it was because if she didn't I would probably dump her. After that things were really good, then yesterday I told her I was doing lunch withmy friend whom I've told my girlfriendabout before. She winced, fornlack of a better word but said ok. That same day I left my phone at her house by accident. Her story is that she texted me and because my phone was beeping she opened it up to stop it from beeping. I know she snipped because if she had did what she said there would be no way she could come across my text log with the friend I had lunch with. And she proceeded to argue that becuse i didnt tell her about last weekslunch that I was not allowed to see my friend or our relationship would be over. She argued that thislie was far worse than her lying to me about when she stayed at her ex's apt. With my consent, but ended up sleeping in the same bed, "but nothing happened." and I didn't hear about that untiltwo years after it happened, after we met that ex and he had changed a lot... I know a relationship takes work, but is there somepoint at which to quit. We've been through a lot but I'm starting define myself after changing myself in the begining make her happy. Im starting to tell her how I feel and it's ended in a lot of arguing, and I feel I end up apologizing more often than not... Is it a matter of working at it or are some relationships vest to just walk away from. PS I am afraid she will be very vindictive now that we made up, If I suddenly change my mind again. We share a cell plan in her name, and she has reservations for my best friends wedding (a man), which before we made the reservations she made me promise I would not leave her at any time in Vegas. I love her but it's starting to waiver, I am a sucker for guilt trips, and can't stand to see her cry.
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male
reader, DoubtingOne23 +, writes (28 January 2010):
DoubtingOne23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everone so far.
I would like to address "sick"'s post. I have already admit to not being objective. I admit I have had my share of mistakes. There were several times where I lied to see a movie with friends. But I have questioned my sanity, I have questioned if i am narcisistic. But narcisists don't seek help, and I have been attending counciling for personal problems, while she has refused to attend. Claiming they would try to break us up. Now since my sessions have ended, and I don't have the money to pay for more she is happy to suggest I find a councilor for us. So although I have acknowledge I have some narcisistic tendancies I am
not so self absorbed to think it is not partly my fault. If I had refused some of her demands of me that I did solely to please her. I may not have even needed to post here. Thanky ou for your post regardless if we see eye to eye, it is these posts that best point out the things people may not nessessarily consider.
A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (27 January 2010):
to be honest, this sounds conspicuous. from your narration, it looks like, it's all her fault. maybe you should ask yourself these question:
are you being completely open with her or are you indifferent? have you been completely honest with her these past years or do you hide secrets? have you done something to hurt her that lead to this state of mind? has she done something that you didn't forgive her for?
dude, it takes two to tango. people don't just go nuts without a reason. i think you know this already that's why you are still in that relationship.
the way i'm seeing it, you seemed to have itemized the details of your fights so clearly well (considering that they had happened months/years ago) it gives me the feeling that you harbor grudges and you constantly remind her of that. also, you speak about your girlfriend like she were a freak, whilst you easily excuse yourself for the things you have done to cause her pain.
i'm beginning to think that there is something narcissistic about this relationship but i am not sure if the narcissist is your girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 January 2010):
This isn't working, and you know it. Al you do is argue, and she guilt trips you all the time. You would do better to just move on, no matter what. Otherwise in ten years time when you're unhappy with her and she's still guilt tripping you, you're going to realize you've wasted your life. Go to a public place, tell her it's over and just end it and end all contact. You don't really love her, you're more with her out of fear and guilt. You need to move on.
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