A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, This may be quite a common situation, but I haven't really been exposed to it. This question is a friendship question, and I know it's long, but I'd really appreciate your persistence! I'm 15 years old, although I'm commonly mistaken for a lot older; much older. Whilst that may be rather flattering on occasions, it has actually proven to be quite dangerous. I attract older guys. Like men in their early 20's. That may not sound like a big deal, but it does become a concern when those people are young male prac teachers. Let's just say I got into a sticky situation with one of them. On the other hand, I have this amazing best friend. She's one of six close friends I have, but she's definitely the closest. She's funny and talented, and was very supportive throughout my troubles with the prac teacher/s. I have known her for about 2-3 years, and we've also been through a lot together, and managed to pull through: in essence I love her to pieces. The problem is, she's recently gotten a boyfriend our age. When I say recently I mean within the last 4 months. I was so happy for her. She's liked him for ages, and vice versa, and finally they were together. She was excited, and I was excited for her. We spent hours and hours on the phone together, talking about him, and I didn't really mind. She still comforted me about what I was going through, and she had a shoulder for me to lean on when the heartache got a bit much, even though she was having the time of her life with this boy. After about 2 months of this, I was starting to get irritated at the amount of time she spend talking about this guy. I'd sit and listen patiently, offer advice or support (Which ever was required) and encouraged her like a best friend should. But she was starting to forget about me. I kept reminding myself that it was just a temporary thing, and that this probably happens to everyone, and that she'd get over the 'infatuation' stage soon enough and settle down. 2 months later and it still hadn't settled down, in fact it'd gotten worse. She never called me, she never texted me, whenever we spoke in person, it was about her boyfriend, and whenever I tried to speak, she'd begin texting him, right in front of me and just completely zone out from me. She never mentioned what I'd been through, even though it was reducing me to absolutely hysterical tears every night. She never comforted me and that shoulder that used to be there to lean on wasn't there any more. She would say and do things, that would really, really hurt. Like imply that I knew nothing about guys, and I therefore didn't need to be included in conversations about them. She'd mention things about students and teachers that were offensive, and remind me that I was different from everyone else because I had feelings for someone who was in a position of power over me. Whether she did these things on purpose or not, I don't know. Within the last two weeks I've been on the brink of losing it with her. I've managed to contain it, but obviously not very well. Because now whenever she mentions him I tense up, and try to keep my face straight so I don't lash out at her. The rate at which she talks about him is now diminished to noting. She doesn't talk about him anymore with me. She'll talk to my other friends about him, ALL the time, but never when I'm around. It was kind of becoming uncomfortable, and I felt pretty guilty. So I decided to make it up to her, and ask her how everything was going. So I walked up to her, but she was with him. I was so pissed, she's ALWAYS with him, ALWAYS talking to him, ALWAYS talking about him, ALWAYS helping and being a friend to everyone but ME, HER BEST FRIEND!!! I must have looked pretty upset, because everything went awkward, even between me and her boyfriend. But I tried my best to make up for it. I asked her how everything was (After he'd left), and she said "Good." I then asked her whether he was going to hockey, and she said "Yes." I decided to leave it there, it was pretty obvious I'd stuffed everything up, and I'm really, really worried I'm going to lose her friendship. My question is, how can I clear this awkwardness between us, stay friends with her boyfriend, allow her to talk to me about him freely and openly, but still allow time for us to talk about my life? Is there any way I can subtly hint to her that she's being selfish and has kind of forgotten the meaning of a friend? Any of your help would be appreciated; I just don't know what to do. Thanx a million. xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): Thanks guys,
Deep down I kind of knew the only solution was to tell her, but I'm kind of a shy person; a person that wants to keep EVERYONE happy. Kind of irritating sometimes...
Anyhow thanks, I'll try my best to fix things up. xxx
A
female
reader, sugar_sugar  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 Ahhh how I remember this problem from my high school days! I think you should be straightforward with your best friend about it. Tell her you're interested in her life and like hearing about it - all aspects of it, but friendship is a two way street and you would love her advice and support sometimes too.From my own experience, even after confronting friends about that kind of behaviour not much changed - certainly not in high school anyway. Later down the track most people learn balance, but unfortunately in most cases until then you have to grin and bare it or chum up with some single friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): If she's your best friend, she should be able to handle the blunt truth. If she's not then she's going to ignore you anyway. I think this was the test of friendship I often did with many of my friends...in thinking to myself, were they there for me when I needed them.
You should tell her exactly how you feel, and how you have been feeling. More than likely she is taking you for granted, and at this rate she's going to stop being your friend, whether you want it or not. As we grow older, and encounter more experiences in life friendship becomes harder to keep and eventually most people realize that you have to make it work, if you wanna keep being friends. And sad to say, it looks like she hasn't been making much effort. I don't know her side of the story if there is a reason for this or if she is doing it and doesn't see it.
Either way you should tell her up front about it. Well better late than never. Try not to get angry and let your emotions take control of you when you talk to her.
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A
female
reader, flicka23  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 It seems that her whole world revolves around her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is constantly on her mind. When our heart is full of something, automatically we talk on it. You can talk to her how you feel, that you feel rejected as a friend because of her boyfriend. If she really cares about you, she will make the adjustments so that you are not left behind but if she gives more importance to her boyfriend than you, she may be reluctant to change her behaviour or think you want to keep her away from her boyfriend to be with her or that you are jealous. Just be honest with her.
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