A
male
age
51-59,
*aktree777
writes:i Hve been in a relationship with my gf for about 4 years. The main issue in the relationship is trust. Specifically about other men. My gf has this tendency to make plan to meet with guys for beer or conversation, but oftentimes lies to me about it. She insists that nothing intimate is happening and I actually agree with her that this is usually true. She says she lies about it because she doesn't want me to get upset about it. The thing is, I actually do not feel particularly upset about it if she tells me in advance and I have repeatedly told her that I get far more upset about deception than the actual going out socially.The result is that I begin to question everything. Every outing. Every "meeting." And, because I do not tend to believe her, I end up feeling uncertain about what she is doing and end up being too inquisitive. This, of course, bothers her.There have been occasions when she has cheated in the relationship. And, she does seem to get excited whenever a guy shows her attention. We have tried to discuss this, but little has been resolved. She tends to get angry and denies that she engages in this behavior.She is a great partner in many ways. But this persistent feeling of uncertainty on my part and her tendency to fib about encounters with guys is wearing me down.Suggestions?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): hmmm... if she's with YOU, why should she be meeting other men?.... for drinks??? You said she cheated, but it doesn't sound to me like she regrets it. She's a cheat and you put up with her. I think you need to find a better girl, man. She's playing you all over and you need to get out now. There's a lot of diseases out there that you don't really wanna catch.
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (7 July 2009):
 Mmmm... I have been in a similar situation myself with my ex husband. He would be overly flirtaious in bars and restaurants after work when I was at home and his plans would change all the time. I used to ask him in advance where he was going or just ask him if he could tell me because like you if I knew where he was it wasn't quite so bothering. I think it is the wondering and not knowing that gets to you. For me I eventually realised from actions such as these that my husband did not really care about my feelings and we went our separate ways. From reading your post I can see that you have tried to explain to her how you feel and why her actions are not what people in a committed relationship should be doing but it appears that she still carries on. Although she is obviously great in other ways she seems to be treating you as a doormat and as someone to come back to after a bit of fun and male ego massaging. I think the time has come to put your foot down. Sometimes women like the male to be very dominant and she could be pushing you for this kind of reaction or and I really don't want to hurt you in any way but she could just be using you and your good nature. Another way around this is to start playing her at her own game and go out all the time not telling her where you are or when you will be back etc but your heart has to be really in this for it to have the desired effect.
In the end as you so obviously really care about her I would sit her down again and explain why her actions are not those of a woman in a relationship and set some parameters regarding letting you know in advance where she will be, who she is with etc. Give her 3 months to change her ways and then move on as living like this will just make you really ill.
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A
male
reader, mister.m  +, writes (7 July 2009):
 Be a man and tell her you're not tolerating this kind of behavior (cheating). Don't freak out. Just give her the option to be in a relationship by YOUR rules (no cheating, obviously) or she can leave. It's that simple. You gotta take control, the girl is testing you man. All girls do this testing, whether its unconciously or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): To me it sounds like you have a very good reason for being upset. One thing I hate more then anything is being lied to. The fact that she cheated before would have been enough for me to dump her and never take her back. The fact that she is lieing about seeing other men then getting bothered when you ask her about it does show very strong trust issues. I would not want to be with someone if I coudn't trust them. For me it is as simple as a black and white thing. But I do know how it feels to be in love. But you have to love your self the same or more. JUst ask her one day how would you feel or what would you think if I made planes with other girls and lied to you about it? Put the ball in her court
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A
male
reader, holikdad +, writes (7 July 2009):
Now is the time to get out. If she's cheated before and she's still meeting guys on the sly then she's probably cheating now. She is probably trying to find another guy while keeping you in the wings so that she won't be alone.Relationships require a lot of trust and respect to work, and she's not showing you any by doing what she is doing. Remember if she isn't doing anything with these other guys then why lie? Why get upset when you confront her about it?She's doing what all cheaters do, she's gas lighting you. Trying to twist the blame back onto you so that you feel guilty and will stop questioning her cheating actions.Seriously, get out now. This way we won't see you on this board in a few years saying "My wife keeps cheating on me, what do I do?".
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A
female
reader, MonicaC +, writes (7 July 2009):
 For me, trust is the linch-pin that holds a relationship together. If that goes, then the whole thing falls apart for me. I speak from hard-won experience on this subject because I trusted someone and loved him completely only to have him lie to me about his life and the fact that he was seeing someone else on the side. We had been together for a couple of years and I suspected things when he started to flake out on me. It took me three months to discover the truth about him and the fact that he was shagging another woman while saying he loved me.Ah well, sorry to incorporate my own little melodrama into this response, but I do so to tell you that if your girlfriend lies about these little outings and has cheated before and indeed loves male attention (from males other than you), then I think you really need to think about whether you want to continue the relationship.If you find out that she is having another affair, how will you feel about the time you have wasted with her? In the end, that is what it will amount to--so much wasted time and energy. Why not drop her and find a woman who is loyal and committed to you 100 percent and who isn't so insecure about herself that she begins to part her thighs and get all tingly any time a male flirts with her?I say: DUMP HER.
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