A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know these questions get asked plenty of times - and I know there is no cut and dry answer, but here is my story.I'm 34 years old and my wife of 5 years is 24. She wanted to wait until marriage to have sex which was more than fine for me seeing as it was only around 6 months of knowing each other before we got married. We discussed it many times before marriage as I have a very very high sex drive, and it was one of my fears, but she promised me we would have plenty of sex after the wedding. After we got married we did not have sex on our honeymoon. And those promises of sex everyday have long faded. After several months of no intimacy I finally broke down and she just smiled her sweet smile and called me silly - promising we will "do things" more regularly and that she was sorry for upsetting me and that she needed to try harder. Putting me in a good mood before things just go back the way it was before and several months go by again before I have another breakdown. This has been the cycles and empty promises I've lived with for 5 years and I don't know what the answer is.I've tried everything in the book to change this situation, but it takes two active participants to tango. I have no one to talk too because I know no-one can change anyone else. So really my only option is to "get over it" - and while I have tried to put these physically urges out of my mind - I don't think I will ever concur it. So I come to you all for advise. What should I do? And how do I overcome this?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2017):
 It sounds to me like you are either going to be in a sexless marriage or else you will need to get it annulled as the marriage has never been consummated. Therefore you can have the marriage certificate annulled that it never existed. Can I ask why are you still married to her?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017): I'd like to know something before I answer this at length, are you by chance financially comfortable? Until I get that answer I'll only say, 5 years?? And you are curious? I would never want a virgin, that's just way to much baggage, have you ever heard a girl brag and enjoy the way she lost her virginity? I never have, I don't want to be that story, bro if this chick won't give up some ass, and you're married for 5 years, and she wont even talk to you about, she obviously is playing games.It's time to DTB! Divorce her and head to Nevada!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017): Do what any woman would do in your situation. When she's next at work, pack your bags and leave. Leave her a note telling her why.
Harsh? Maybe. On one hand it's not fair to demand she gives you sex when you want it. On the other, who has the right to tell you you cant have sex?
If you don't resolve the issue then you will either break up or you will cheat on her. She needs to realise just how important this is to you. Leave her, give her the opportunity to get in touch so that you can talk about it honestly and frankly. Hopefully the shock will help bring about some chang in you both.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): Was your wife an overseas bride whose family wanted to get her to Australia? Have you seen her naked? Isnt she/he hiding something from you? You have to find the real reason for her avoidance of physical contact.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): Just when you think you've heard it all... Here goes:I was married for about 18 years and I remained a virgin the whole time. So, married at 27 and was still a virgin at 45 years old. Maybe I can give you some perspective from personal experience that will give you some food for thought.I was raised Catholic and to think that sex was dirty and that it was a virtue to be immaculate. Women who were virginal were looked up to in our culture. Put on a pedestal. Maybe it was a psychological block? That I would no longer be perfect and worshipped for my virginity? It was nailed into me by both parents from a young age that I needed to save my virginity for marriage, for the right man. I did what they told me. Hard not to when you are brainwashed and conditioned by your parents and culture. It could be a formidable force. And you know no different. I was a young woman with no life experience and my husband was the only boyfriend I ever had.My husband knew I was a virgin when we were dating. He proposed anyway. Why? Because there are still a lot of men out there who like the idea of their future wife saving themselves just for him. That he is the only man who has ever been there. It does appeal to the male ego, whether you want to admit it or not. It is a double standard but alive in well in the world. Even today. My husband and I did have sexual chemistry and an attraction. Right from the start when he was the best man and I was maid of honour at our friend's wedding and we had our first dance as a bridal party. I just knew he was the one. Can't explain it. Just knew it. Like a spark of electricity flew through my skin when we touched. And despite the romantic beginning, I never saw it coming that I would never manage to lose my virginity, to him, even after years married. It is not something anyone plans or expects to happen.In our case, my husband hung on all that time. Never cheated because I trusted him with my life and knew he never would. We had LOTS of oral sex. In fact, that is all we ever had. I gave him BJ's every single time and he went down on me every single time. We had marathon sessions of FOREPLAY which ended up in both of us having an orgasm through oral sex. My husband was amazing at oral sex.And I was happy with that. And he enjoyed doing it to me, more so than him penetrating me. Go figure. Some men are more about the woman's pleasure and if they stimulate her and bring her to orgasm, they feel like a God. Also, I guess I did not know what I was missing. And he satisfied me in all the ways I enjoyed so I was happy. From what I heard, women do not always orgasm through intercourse and he was making me orgasm every time through clitoral stimulation. He had sex with many women before me. So, he somehow got it out of his system. He said he did not need intercourse, just to get off. And I made sure he did. My hand or by mouth. What it did for me and for us is taught me how to be creative. And do things other than just straight sex. I imagine if we had just had straight sex, in and out, in and out, get off me and we're done, then it may have been anti climactic for me. I would have been left thinking "Is that all there is?" I really like the oral and foreplay much better. Our sessions did last way longer than most! Foreplay is exhausting when it is all you do! ;) Thank God my husband was a rare breed who could deal with the no sex. He was content with what we had. We also were in love with each other which was a strong, solid foundation and it enabled us to stay together regardless.We tried many times. I was willing. But I failed. Because every time he tried to enter me, I got nervous. And I tightened my thigh muscles so that he could not get in. And he was so afraid of hurting me that he just gave up eventually. He was very aware of my feelings and did not want to hurt me. Maybe had he been more forceful or aggressive, we might have been able to manage penetration? But he is not a forceful guy and never pushed the issue. I suppose he enabled me to keep going that way. We both avoided it after awhile. Because we reached a comfort zone. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Because we still were sexually active. Very much so. Just not in a traditional way. I even got drunk several times, hoping that would help me loosen up. One night he came home after work and found me sitting on the stairs very tipsy after having downed a bottle of Sambucca. I thought maybe, just maybe my inhibitions would have been lowered by the booze. But I ended up passing out instead. :(I went to see doctors. I tried creams to numb me. Even talked to counsellors. Nothing worked. I just had this FEAR of being hurt and it would not go away. I clenched every time we tried. It was not because I did not love him or did not want him. I let the fear control me. And in time, it just becomes something you accept and give up on. Just like that is your "normal."I felt like I was the only woman in the world with this problem. I felt a sense of shame because it isn't normal but also felt this sense of pride at the same time, almost like I wore my virginity like a badge of honour. I was quite conflicted. But I loved sex. And we did have lots of oral. And he did pleasure me and I pleasured him back.Have you and your wife ever had oral sex? Foreplay? Have you ever made her reach orgasm by going down on her, or using your finger on her? Has she ever given you a blow job? This is also sex. Not just intercourse. Is it possible that if you do all of this, it may put her in the mood for intercourse? A lot of foreplay can make a woman wet and lubricated and ready for intercourse.Is she affectionate towards you? Or cold? Is there an emotional connection between you? Do you have a good relationship? You did marry rather quickly. Women need to feel safe and loved in order to have sex. There has to be something going on in her mind. Can you suggest you both go to a doctor together or a sex therapist and discuss your situation? You do need help.You are clearly dying of frustration and I am very sorry you are going through this. You shouldn't have to. Your wife should be meeting your sexual needs. That is implied in your marriage contract. If it does not improve, you can stay but you are going to grow increasingly frustrated and resentful of her in time. You may even be tempted to find release in another woman. It is perfectly legitimate for you to annul the marriage because it was never consummated.The ending to my story is that my husband and I separated after 18 years of marriage. We drifted apart. I am not sure if never having sex was a major contributor to this. I will always wonder if this was the case. With us there were also other issues at hand. But fast forward about a year after my husband and I separated. I met another man. He was the man who finally took my virginity. Go figure. At that point, I was pretty ready and tired of it. Maybe that had something to do with it. I was incredibly attracted to him. He was much older than me. And he was a take charge kind of a man. He knew it would hurt me but he did it anyway. That is what I needed. A man who did not place me on a pedestal to violate me in a way for the pleasure of sex. This man did not love me and was therefore not as concerned about my feelings. He did not enter me. He broke my hymen with his fingers first. Slowly and painfully but he did it. Then he penetrated me. Done deal. It hurt a lot. But the pain was sharp and brief and went away pretty quickly. I only felt it the first time and never again. Now, I am enjoying pleasurable sex. Still with him. I feel like I am living a teenaged dream which I missed out on before. It is like an awakening or rebirth for me. I love every aspect of sex and I love intercourse just as much as foreplay. I just wish I hadn't wasted all those years. But I am making up for it now! ;) This man has made me FEEL like a WOMAN for the very first time in my life. I feel like a Goddess. And that feeling is so addictive. I finally feel ALIVE.We have one life. What we make of it is up to us. So, you need to decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Or not. I think if it does not change, why would you want to waste precious years being celibate? You are still young. And having sex is so much fun. And there are many women who are willing.I do suggest doing all you can to save your marriage but sometimes our best efforts are not enough. And we must accept that things do not always turn out as we had hoped, despite our best intentions. Hope my experience has given you some insight.I wish you well. :)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 February 2017):
 I really don't get it...I mean how does this marriage even work? And how have you never addressed this issue yet?
I'm very curious as to how your life is. Do you both sleep in the same bed? I'm sorry for the very explicit questions that will follow but what do you do when you get an erection when you're in bed with her? Do both of you do other things to please each other sexually like handjobs, oral sex, etc? Do you change clothes in front of each other like normal couples? Have you seen each other naked? Does she display physical affection towards you? Does she allow you to kiss and fondle her?
I'm finding this extremely strange that there's been nothing at all the last 5 years! I'm pretty sure she's either asexual or a lesbian and is using you as a screen to keep the stigma away. Either that or she's been abused as a child or on her youth and is severely averse to sexual activity. Has she mentioned anything along those lines? Also, doesn't she want kids?
You certainly do need counselling and yes, this is a ground for divorce. Again, in very curious, what's kept you in this "marriage" for 5 years?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (13 February 2017):
5 years in a sexless marriage and you're asking us what to do. She certainly found herself a chump didn't she? Find a lawyer and have this sham marriage annulled you mope.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 February 2017):
 You were 29 and she was 19 when you got married.... how long were you with her before that? It's a little worrying. Perhaps she was not ready for marriage or a sexual relationship and didn't know how to tell you, so she keeps postponing it.
I think divorce is on the cards because you can't put up with it and she doesn't seem ready to be married or compatible with you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 February 2017):
 I really feel sorry for you. The kind of behavior that she is displaying isn't something that most men would be able to tolerate. I'm not sure if I fully comprehend things though. Have you EVER had sex? If not then you could easily have the marriage dissolved because it was never consummated. If you've had very little sex then you could divorce on irreconcilable differences.
Apparently you love here if you have stuck it out for 5 years, but do you want to go on this way another 5? 10? 15? I urge you to try counselling, possibly with a sex therapist if you can. Maybe there is something going on that she has never spoken of. You need to get to the bottom of this so you can both be happier in life. As suggested, you can either open up the marriage so you can seek affection elsewhere, or you can file for a divorce. It isn't fair to you if she is withholding affection and she basically lied to you "full disclosure" was not engaged.
Just a side note...I was friends with a couple that were married for almost 20 years. They always looked so happy together and one day out of the blue they filed for a divorce. It turns out that they had NEVER had sex. She would freeze up every time they tried and refused to get help. Finally the man couldn't put up with it any longer. They had been living like brother and sister for all that time. The man just couldn't take it any longer. I'd had to see you go through 20 years of the same kind of torture.
Talk to you wife again, seek counselling, make an arrangement or get out. Those are your choices. I wish you all the best, you seem like a nice man in a really difficult/sad situation.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 February 2017):
 The only other marriage I know of where this happened was when the wife was trying to hide the fact she was gay by marrying a bloke she thought (rightly, as it happened) would put up with no sex. Not saying your wife IS gay, but it is one option to consider.
Are you getting ANY sex at all? I read your post as you had not had sex at all, yet others appear to have understood that you have sex, just very rarely.
If you wife does not even sit down and seriously discuss with you what the problem is, then it sounds like she is just not taking your feelings seriously at all. Does she have some sort of hold over you that she feels confident she can fob you off with vague promises without actually doing anything about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): Does she do this for religious reasons? If so, direct her to the Bible where it says a wife must submit to her husband. Not giving you sex is grounds for divorce. I'd start the proceedings now. Does she work or did she just want someone besides mommy and daddy to provide for her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your thought out response, it is much appreciated!! I've thought about counseling before, but honestly scared to go through with it as I know the only thing that can change is either my own thoughts or her actions. But I guess the longer I leave it, the worse it will become - so hopefully I will be able to find someone local that might be able to help! Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot to me!
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (13 February 2017):
 I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It was unfair of your then-fiancee to promise you one thing and do something else entirely, but at the end of the day you can't *make* her want sex, or have sex that she doesn't want to have. If "everything in the book" includes couples counseling and that still hasn't yielded any progress, it may be time to acknowledge mutually that you are not compatible in this regard and begin the process of either opening the marriage (so you are free to get your needs met somehow, if not with her) or dissolving it, so you two are legally free to find more suitable partners.
If you haven't tried counseling, though, that's a good option to consider first. And it will illustrate to your wife that this is something that truly matters to you and affects your happiness. Choose a licensed marriage/family counselor, and go alone at first if she is reluctant to go with you.
I hope this helps you. Good luck and best wishes!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): So let me get this straight, you go months at a time without any sex? No, that is not normal for a marriage and not acceptable. It sounds like she has psychological issues bout sex, that maybe started from her upbringing of "virtuous" girls being "chaste". I think you really do need to go to couples counselling and find out if this is something she can work on, or is this something she literally cannot compromise on? Some women (and men) are actually frigid, and if that's what is going on i'm not sure she can change. And you might need a divorce because I don't think you can go for months at a time without contact.
However I do think she is selfish, as plenty of women don't really like sex all that much (foreplay yes, but maybe not penetration so much...), but do it because they know their man needs it.
Does it seem like she enjoys any aspect of intimacy?
I think you need to at least try counselling before calling it a day though.
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