A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need some help sorting out my thoughts. I've browsed a couple of other questions none ever really gave a distinct absolute answer. Don't know if there is one.12/2008 I met Susan. Shes 26 im 23. Instant attraction - nothing I had ever felt. Started dating, 4/5 weeks later we become a couple. I notice she still talks to ex boyfriend. Can't really say much because we just started dating but it bothers me. Why? I don't know. Ex boyfriend lives in another state. Her home state. 2 months later, things progress very quickly. I start staying over at her place almost every night. I start falling in love with her. I tell her I'm uncomfortable with her talking to her ex's. I don't do it, I don't think she should either. She doesn't like me telling her what to do; but attempts to lessen the conversations for a while. Soon, they pick back up.3/2009. Throws me an awesome surprise birthday party. I realize I want to marry this woman. Don't tell her yet. We move in together. Shes Still talking to ex boyfriend. Now causing fights. Her sister has an affair. On her own, she tells me no more ex boyfriend. She doesn't want us to ever be like that. It stops, for a while. Matt keeps calling, she eventually starts again. 5/2009 she graduates 4 year business school. I buy her surprise engagement ring. She Heads home to visit her folks for 2 weeks. Plan to pop the question when she gets back. Talk to her every night over the phone. Last day there, cell phone bill comes in and I notice she has been calling/texting Matt since she got on the flight to go over there. Meets him to catch up over "lunch" on her last day there. Tells Me she's having lunch with a girlfriend. Out of contact for 1 1/2 hours.I go crazy, break off the relationship. She calls non stop until she gets back. Begs me to take her back. I ask her to be honest and tell me what really happened. She swears it's just lunch. But when I ask her where she ate, what she ordered, what they talked about. She gives the name of a restaurant, but avoids most of the other questions. Saying she doesn't remember what they ordered; and says they didn't talk about anything really. I forgive her way too quickly, but shes a changed woman. Cut all contact with him. Has never spoken to him since. We end up getting married. 03/2010. She's an amazing wife, but I still am haunted by what really transpired that trip. My gut tells me she isn't telling all there is. But I am not certain she cheated on me.I love her so much. Some days I don't think about it; most days I do. Will I ever stop wondering what happened? To this day, she swears it was lunch. Apologizes for breaking my trust, but swears she never cheated. But, if I had slipped and cheated, would I do the same? Does it even matter if now she is the best wife a man could ask for? How can I find out?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2010): Ceberus - my brain totally agrees with you. It sees the logic and I wish I could just focus on that. But like a disease, I keep wondering. What if she did have sex with him? What if she did kiss him and my whole marriage has been based on untruthfulness... Would it change my feelings for her? No. I would still love her; but not respect her. And that. Would force me to end it. Out of a sense of ego? Maybe. But it's just something I couldn't live with. And the not knowing is what kills me.
Mr toyboy- that's what she told me. She said, she met with him because she hadn't ever gotten over him until I came along. And that for the first time, when she saw him, she wanted him to see her happy and ok. Not hurt because she still loved him. She wanted him to see her in love with someone else and that she has moved on...but my question is why? What does it matter if he saw that? Isn't it enough for her to know that for herself? Why hide it from me, knowing that if I ever found out it would cause me pain? Is that real love? And how do you know, that the day before valentine they didn't hook up? Well, in your case she admitted it to you freely; so that lends credibility. But in my case, she would have never told me had I not found out.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 October 2010):
 You forgave her, so keeping it at issue is inappropriate. She's your wife, and as you say, the best wife one could ask for. That should be your focus. When you said "I do", leave the BS on the outside. That's when you joined hands to spend your lives together. Why you did, and your love for her needs to be what you focus on. Every moment you focus on this incident from before you got married, is a moment you are not focusing on and loving your wife. Don't waste that time.
I wish you two the best in your marriage. Take care.
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A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (21 October 2010):
This is my story. Met a beautiful and the most amazing woman 11/2009, things moved quickly and it was everything i ever wanted.
Ex boyfriend keeps calling her wanting her back, she keeps telling him she doesnt want any thing with him.Hes very rich but treated her like shit, but now that he lost her her, hes trying to buy her back saying she must name whatever she wants,i got upset and wanted to phone myself to tell him to back off, she said no need,she can handle it.
Last month 09/2010 she told me she met him in person a day before Valentines day 02/2010 at a restaurant and told him to back off and the reason she went was for him to see how well and happy she is with me.
Initially i was upset that she never told me about it, but i realized she loves me and the present is what matters and that trust is the most important part of a relationship.
My dear friend, dont loose a good thing, good women are difficult to come by these days, so hold on to her, but just make her promise that there will be no more phone conversations and meetings with him.She sounds like an amazing woman.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 October 2010):
 You do not trust her. Without trust, a marriage will suffer and die. Without faith in her, your relationship will shatter. Without belief in her, there is no hope of reconciliation.
What she did before does not really matter does it? What would it change? If you found out that she was with her ex, that she perhaps something transpired there, what does it matter now? She is an amazing wife and you know now that she has been faithful to you. Whatever happened, would it honestly change how you feel about her? Would you want to leave her crying for you every night, would you feel comfortable crying every night knowing that you lost her because of something that happened long ago before you two were married?
I am not saying that you should let her lie but perhaps you should put this behind you and realize that there really is no point to this. Enjoy what you have with your wife and appreciate that she is with you now in something sacred. Do not allow your suspicions to poison this marriage. She is loyal now.
I hope that helps.
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