A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girl freind for 4 months now, She did tell me during our initial days that she is still good freinds with her ex, on saturday her ex and a few other common freinds had dinner while i was with my freinds watching a game, the following day i was so eager to see her, she met me and told me that her ex did not have a place to stay and was in her house last night, I felt deeply hurt and disturbed. I am not sure if should continue with this relationship, she would call me every evening, but on saturday neither did i or she called each other, before the dinner she told me that it was one of her good freinds. I am not sure what to do and very upset, please help me, I have a history of depression and have one point did attempt to commit suicide over one of my previous relationship, i am very scared and could not concentrate at work.I did speak to her and let her know abt how i felt and she told me that she was sorry that i felt the way i did, we spent sunday together and i did not feel the same way i did with her on sunday.. please help me.. i feel terrible.. i love this girl and not sure if i can handle hurt.. be honest in your opinion..Thank you all!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): See where it goes and take your time to figure things out. If this was brief lapse and you trust that nothing happened that night then this might turn out okay.
Just make sure you establish some clear boundaries regarding her ex, no demands, just let her know what you are and are not comfortable with, so she knows in the future. If she decides after that to ignore your feelings by crossing those boundaries then you'll have to reconsider.
Talk to her in detail about that night and she what she says, personally I don't understand how she cannot see how wrong it was or how you might feel but that's just me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all!! I appreciate your responses, I had a strong salty throat which made me cry when i let this out to my girl freind, she said she wld do anything to keep this relationship & she did not realise how wrong this was.. I have taken time from her to settle my head & get back to her, If things don't look the same way like they used to, I may have to make the hard decision. I am not sure if i will forget this.Please help me with your advice on how should i handle this situation. Thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 everyone does silly things at times without really thinking about how there partner might feel about it but it wasnt like she hid it from you she was open and honest about it and thats the main thing she respects you enough to tell you.ok so you didnt contact eachother that night so what you dont have to talk every night do you and you were probably having a good time.it is possible to stay friends with your ex and not do anything with them and the fact that she told you she was good friends with him shouldnt bring concern now you need to explain to her that you suffer with depression and your not sure how to deal with things properly when things go wrong in relationships and even though she probably wasnt thinking it upset you that she let her ex stay ask her how she would feel if you did the same to her.you need to decide whether you can throw it over your shoulder and get on with your relationship or whether you can trust her or not because if you cant then the relationship will not work
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): I'd walk away, 'sorry you feel that way' isn't exactly a sign that she thinks she did anything wrong.
Having a person stay over who she has a history with would be too much for me. It's very easy to get sexual with an ex, because there's no inhibitions and you already know how they like to be touched etc. add alcohol to that and it just gets worse.
You just will never know what they did together when they were alone and she shouldn't have put you in that position in the first place.
I'm friends with some of my ex's and so is my girlfriend, we have an agreed boundry when it comes to them. No overnight stays, no kissing and no drinking alone together. It's about respect for the others feelings not about trust, I'm sure you girlfriend has probably thrown the issue of you not trusting her in your face but by doing this she has shown a lack of respect for you.
My girlfriend had a party at her place before we moved in together and her ex was in attendance, she asked him to leave when the last of the other people was going, he told her he had nowhere to stay and didn't have the 45 bucks that a taxi would cost to go home and could he stay at her place. She rang me to see how I felt about that and I said I wasn't comfortable with it but I trusted her, she decided to put my feelings before his and ended up paying the 45 bucks for his taxi for him to go home. She wouldn't even let me give her the money for it.
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A
male
reader, Sorcerer +, writes (21 June 2010):
Agree with CaringGuy (as is often the case). I don't have a problem with a partner staying friends with an ex (in many cases these days there are children involved anyway). However, I think staying over is a no-no as even with the best of motives it can be misconstrued and hurt a partner. I guess there could be a difference if it was merely 'early stage dating' rather than a relationship, but 4 months to my mind is a relationship and the rules change.I think you need to speak to your girlfriend and explain why this bothers you and that while being friends is OK, you have a problem with him staying over. If she respects you, she will understand this and agree not to let this happen again. If she says this is unreasonable, then I advise getting out now before becoming deeper involved. What you are asking is not unreasonable if she is serious about you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 June 2010):
Being honest with you, I actually think there is cause for concern. It's one thing to be friends with an ex. But to have him around at the house when she knows she has a boyfriend is very tactless. I'm not convinced you should bother with her. I'm a bit worried that your history of depression maybe clouding your judgement over women. You could be settling for women who aren't quite good enough. Whatever else, things have changed between you because of this. I'd break it off with her , and just for now focus on your own life and get into a better position in your own mind. You don't need this hassle in your life.
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