A
male
age
41-50,
*inkydude
writes:I've been with a woman for 10 months now, and we love each other alot.Things have been going well, although last night she admitted that sexually she feels a little stressed out. Part of the reason, she stated, was that she has alot of problems with her mother and brother, and she is constantly worried about her sister. Her mother has a degenerative mental disease, as does her brother, and her sister is still a virgin at the age of 37, despite the fact of being an attractive college professor in the States. All these things combined with the fact thatshe also feels inhibited by me. That some how, she feels under some kind of pressure to perform. She admits that i've been her best lover, and she's had many, but, its this same fact that makes her feel like she doesn't do things well, or that she is not up to par with me. For example I likethe tantric aspect of love making, while she'll get on top and go very fast, and never achieve orgasm this way. She'll be going as fast as a high speed train, for 30 minutes or more, and Im like a spectator, amazed that she has the endurance for it. Whenever she gets on top, this is the inevitable way of things. however she admits that the tantric thing is really amazing and ( seemingly to me, far more enjoyable).Another thing, is perhaps I put pressure on her to orgasm by trying all sorts of "tricks". I really have no intention of that, however. I only want to bring her pleasure, and on top of it I enjoy it. Sometimes, she says she is so tense, that when I just touch her body, she becomes tense, or stressed. I tend to take things SUPER slow, and never touch the intimate areas without good, and long foreplay, which includes dinner, talking, kissing, etc. She thinks that maybe, I put to great an emphasis on sex, but I thought it was important to her. Indeed, she made me believe it was more important to her than me! How can I help her to feel more relaxed?We both enjoy making love. And we tend to spend many hours doing so. sometimes to the point that we are very tired, (though she can have many orgasms in a day, I have none). Perhaps thats the problem?I don't know, I'm totally confused.
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foreplay, kissing, orgasm, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): i think the answer has to do with masturbation,she didn't get endurance by accident, you just started to date in the big picture,habits don't often change so chances are this is how your sex life with her will always be.,,..,,.
A
male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (2 March 2009):
kinkydude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts similar to alzheimers, but not as severe perhaps. She's the one that does the jackhammer. Obviously I tolerate it, but sometimes I feel that it doesn't bring either of us any pleasure, so I wonder why she does it. I don't question it though, because I don't want to repress her sexual expression.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Your welcome. I hope everything works out for the both of you. If you don't mind me asking, what mental illness are her family members diagnosed with? I haven't heard of many which are degenerative.
It's okay every now and again for the "jackhammer" approach, but make sure the before lasts long enough so she gets pleased too.
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A
male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (2 March 2009):
kinkydude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, RCN, for your answer. I'll discuss some of these things with her.
I think we both agree with you on the making love part. Though, she is very sensitive, and perhaps I've been putting some pressure on her to try a more relaxed, tantric approach, rather than the fast, jackhammer approach (which is strange, because that's what men usually do-). The tantric approach seems to create more intimacy and bond between us- when she gets into fast mode, its as if I''m not even there anymore.
Thanks again for you insights!!!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 March 2009):
How long as she been acting as the glue to hold the family together? She isn't sexually stressed, her stress is affecting her sexually. Totally different symptoms. Their is a "dysfunction" which is a sexual anxiety, where the act of sex produces an anxious feeling or "claustrophobic" feeling.
Much of this stress, I believe can be eliminated by view changing. She needs to get a grip on what she can control and what she can't. In tern she's allowing what she has no control over to control her. Worry is normal, we all do from time to time, but it can become a problem if that worry is controlling a persons way of being.
A 37 year old attractive female virgin. How does her sister feel about it? I see her as reaching an accomplishment to be proud of. Her mom and brother, be supportive. The best thing to do with someone who has a mental illness it study, and gain perspective of their illness and what they are going through. In a sense I see her also looking at sex as an obligation, or a duty. It's not, at least properly viewed wouldn't be. Sex in an intimate relationship is one of the most powerful means for partners to connect. It's the intimate level bonding which the term "making love" comes from.
If she can't overcome and separate what she can control from what she cannot. I recommend counseling. As I said, It's okay to worry, to love and to care for others, but once you allow the worry to turn into stress, carrying everyone's issues as your own, long term her own mental state can be severely affected.
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