A
female
age
30-35,
*aybell
writes:Ok, so i started dating this guy that i met through my sister that isn't living her life right, who is dating a dead beat guy. the guy i met was his friend. i knew it was a bad idea but they said he was nothing like my sisters boyfriend. and he didnt seem like it. so a whole month we went out and he stayed with me at my apartment, met all my close friends and family and just put on such an act, that every one thought he was great! including me.. but i started noticing small things and he started disappearing for hours at a time atleast one day every weekend for the month. so i told him it was over and thought about doing mean things to the stuff he left at my house. but i just gave it back.. i didnt really know what he was ever doing so i didnt trust him. but i started believing him again and decided to give him one more chance, he came back and i thought it was going great cuz i really liked him, but we never actually started "goin back out" cuz i knew something fishy was fryin! he came back on tuesday and by friday he disappeared again!!!!!! i was irate, so i took the stuff he had here and went to his parents to see if he was really there. and of course he wasn't so i left his stuff in the yard. i was upset and just wanted to know the truth! so he had the nerve to go and stay at my sisters with her and her boyfriend (his friend). which just happens to be like 15 feet away from my apartment. i warned him not to be there because i didnt want to see him but he is still down there. i just felt hurt and sad cuz he lied to me and everyone around me for the whole month!! and my sister is just letting him stay there. so i used washable window paint and wrote on his car after i finally found out what he'd been hiding! it turns out he started doin bad drugs, like coke and maybe even hard over the weekends because he gets random piss tests at work so it has to be out his system, so he played me fool for a whole month. i am so salty because i really did like him! so i guess my question to you would be, Do i have the right to be mad at him and my sister? or am i over thinking the whole situation? I just dont know what to think, do, or say. i just want him to go away! *mod note: Try not to use text speak and check your spelling in the future 'cuz' sometimes we cannot fix everything. I 'no' a few might get passed your checks, but I don't want a very good question to get tossed or get bad advice to it because we cannot understand it fully. Thanks.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 March 2009):
 Your heading in the right direction with how you think. I don't agree with having sex right after you meet them. Reason being, it often sets up the relationship as being sexual, and not really learning about who the other person is.
I believe you deserve someone better. In order for it to be, you need to set your standards for what you're looking for and not just accepting what comes along. This guy is a drug addict, so the addiction will have some control over his decisions. Although he lied about the drugs, this about it this way. Have sex, or talk about being a drug addict. That's not too difficult of a decision.
The way you get into relationships hasn't worked for you thus far, so it's expected the same methods will continue creating the result you're not looking for. And make sure your intentions match your partners. If it's just sex, be honest about it not going any further. If you're looking for a relationship, make sure it's a relationship they are looking for too.
A
female
reader, Raybell +, writes (3 March 2009):
Raybell is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand the thing is, im more upset about him lying about the drugs, rather then him actually doin them.my whole family is on drugs so im all about not doin nothing to bad myself. so he new from the begining that i dont date guys who are on drugs.. why would he do that and just base our whole relationship on a lie? i could have maybe even helped him if he wanted to get off of it and help himself, but i guess the high is more important then anything else in the world!!!! i no its possible, im around it every day with my family.. so is it wrong to judge him for wat he does? am i wrong for thinkin i deserve a better man thats not like my family? rather then a life of drugs drugs and drugs?!! special after i made a better decision in life and turned the other way instead of getting addicted like my family. i dont know, maybe im just crazy! i just cant stop thinkin about him. i HATE the dating scene and i thought i would actually be with him for awhile atleast. im just so disappointed.
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A
female
reader, Raybell +, writes (3 March 2009):
Raybell is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i shouldn't of let him stay with me just right after meeting him. but with me thats how it usually turns out, i sleep with them right after meeting them and they never leave. i am not a whore by any means.. but guys that like me come on to me in that way when they dont know me either. i know sex changes alot in a relationship and im no fool.. but it seems right at the time im doing it. and thats another bad thing about this guy is he is THE ONLY GUY ive slept with that i actually enjoyed the sex. its wrong but very true, and i was just so comfortable with him. it really is ashame he let drugs take over his life, i really like him. and as far as my sister goes blood is thicker then water and i've done plenty for her in life, for her to actually chose me over a man once in her life.. it hurts me to no she dont care how i feel. Thank you all for reading and giving me advice!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Not really right to be angry aty our sister, she's just trying to help a guy who's her boyfriend's friend.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 March 2009):
I think you're over thinking it because you allowed him to stay with you, without really getting to know him first. So in a way, you were allowing this behavior into your life. So, I bet he was a drug user before he met you. Was he suppose to change his activities since he was with you, or was it your responsibility to know how he is and the way he acts before allowing him to begin staying in your apartment?
It's important you find someone who your seeking to be with, not be with someone and expect them to simply mold into your idea of who you're looking for. Take your time, don't just let someone start staying with you. Relationships don't need to be rushed. Get to know someone, then be sure before going further.
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A
female
reader, lillymay  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 hi,
well,first off,im so glad you got yourself out of the situation with him.you really did the right thing especilly when there are drugs involved.
i no its painful,you feel that you have been treated badly,and you have sweeti.
your sister should be supporting you,but when someone is inlove unfortunately they cant see past the person they are in love with.your sister probably feels awful stuck in the middle,it seems that maybe she is not as strong a person as you are.
have a chat with your sister alone if you can,explain that you need some distance between you and this guy.tell her that you will only come to hers if he is not there and that she will have to come to instead.why should you suffer.its hard enough to make a clean break when u end a relationship without that person being involved with your family.
give yourself a bit of time and distance from your sisters place,there r plenty of ways and places to meet up with her im sure,without having to go to her place.which is not fair i no,but it sounds like your sister is in a situation thats impossible.
i relly hope it all works out 4 u.please keep in mind that u did the right thing ending the relationship with this guy,and you r a very strong person,stay strong,and please let me no how all this turns out for u.
lillymay x.
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