A
male
age
41-50,
*ke1981
writes:I am stuck and don't know what to do.My girlfriend and I dated for 3 years. She is 6 years younger and is still in school. We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. I've done everything I could to make it work, and it seemed to for a while. Her plan is to move to the same city as me when she graduates. I always knew that because our age difference, she was not quite there as far as her emotional maturity goes. She would start fights with me, get emotional, etc. Throughout all that, I was hoping that she would eventually grow out of it, and us being near each other eventually would fix things. Despite all her troubles, I thought she was faithful and appreciated me.Recently, I found out that she cheated on me, twice. Made out with one guy last year and went on a few dates, and slept with another guy for a month just past summer.After I found out, it broke my heart, but I understood her in a weird way. She explained that she got cold feet and did not know what she was doing. I believe her, as I was 22 six years ago myself. She did change after I found out and is trying hard to fix the things that weren't working before. I almost dumped her, but then decided to give it a second chance. She tells me that she is more in love with me now than ever and believes we are soul mates.I've been trying to get over it for the past two months. Things are great when we're together and we have amazing chemistry. However, when she's not here, and I'm left to my own thoughts, I feel resentful and distant and I can't tell if I'm in love with her anymore. Now, I wonder if there is something better for me out there. The problem is that in six months she is planning on moving to St. Louis to be with me. She is already searching for a job and has no back up plan. She doesn't have many friends or a strong support system. Being older, I always helped her with everything, and if I leave her now, she will be practically on her own, for the first time, with no back up plan. Not to mention, that it would absolutely break her heart. I don't know what to do. I love her and I don't want to hurt her, but I am resentful and don't feel in love anymore. I have to make the right decision and I am running out of time. Please help. I need a second opinion.
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cheated on me, long distance, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bitch +, writes (1 December 2009):
You can absolutely forgive a cheater but to forgive and forget is a different story. Forgiveness is for you to move forward in your life and to let go of the anger and hurt the cheating causes you. You will never forget completely and when you are in a fight or some kind of disagreement I can guarantee that the cheating will come up in your mind because it did for me. So yes you can forgive. And no, you cannot forget. But you can let it go if you desire to fix and heal yourself.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 hello again
it is not impossible to forgive a cheater (I have) but be very, very sure not to forget.
I have read your response, despite what you say, I still beleive it is very important you call this girl and tell her you are unsure about her moving, and that she should put her plans on hold. It is the only fair thing to do.
You need to be aware she is going to be hurt, and if you do decide you want the relationship to continue, she may not, but, because you are doubting you must be square with her, and soon, rather than let her go on her merry way only to have turned her life upside down for nothing.
You must do it now!
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A
male
reader, ike1981 +, writes (27 November 2009):
ike1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you who posted a response. I guess I didn't clarify well that I am not entirely convinced that I want a break up. I have been in love with this girl for a long time and I don't know if my current feelings are legitimate or a temporary resentment that will pass. The problem is that I don't have much time to figure it out considering that she is getting ready for a major change in her life because of me. That's why I'm at a loss. Is this temporary? Can you ever forgive a cheater and move on or should I just call it off?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): Definitely tell her not to move, and right away. Yes, her heart may be broken, but in the long run it will be better for both of you. I would break up with her and find someone else who lives closer and has the same, if not higher, maturity level that you do. IMO, there is no excuse for cheating. If you both have had second thoughts, that's a big red flag.
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A
female
reader, bitch +, writes (26 November 2009):
I think you know the answer already and are stalling because of the discomfort it will bring you both when you tell her. You need to tell her you are not 100% sure anymore about her moving and you need more time. You also need to forget about the fact that you are her only support system. She will have to find a support system. You cannot stay with somebody just because you feel bad for them. That is ridiculous and will only cause you more resentment in the long run. I understand but also I know you are not doing yourself any favors by staying if you are not totally in love with this girl anymore.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 November 2009):
You must tell her you would prefer she didnt move to be near you, and you must tell her immediately, before she makes any more plans or rearranges her life any further.
She will be hurt, it is possible her heart will be broken, but broken hearts do mend, and far better for you to be honest with her now rather than later.
Brace yourself for the storm, gird your loins, take a deep breath and contact her now, tonight, before you chicken out.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 November 2009):
My opinion is this. If you are having second thoughts, tell her now before she moves. Yes, it will hurt her. But then she should have thought about your feelings when she cheated. Clearly you have had a delayed reactin, which is normal. But you need to tell her you need more time to think about it now before she moves.
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