A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I have a issue and I need some help from people with experience. My girlfriend and I of 5 years split up for a few months and she ended up sleeping with someone else during this time. Now she wants to get back together but idk how to handle this idk if I should forgive her and really idk if I can shake the pain I have in my stomach and the thoughts I have. Should I forgive her since we weren't together and she did tell me the truth or should I be mad and not let her back in my life, idk if I can be 100% ever again.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): She "went on break" to give herself a loophole in the rules for cheating.
You technically aren't supposed to get mad about this because you technically were allowed to go screw other women at the same time.
But here is where it gets wrong: The way she set up this break period, she knew that you wouldn't even consider sleeping with anyone else while she probably would do it. That makes it a deception on her part. Deception means it was cheating. Or wrongdoing. Use whatever word you like for it but you were wronged and you don't owe her shit at this point.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): She had the right to do that if you two had decided to break up. If you can't live with that, that's another issue. I don't think I would go back into the relationship, personally. I wouldn't want that to be something hanging over our relationship. But then again, I don't get back together with people once we have broken up. You will just have to decide if you can live with the knowledge that that happened without holding it against her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): I don't know why everyone is so defensive on who is suppose to forgive who but if the operator feels like he lost trust in her then he did. Sorry for the other responses on here. Take this one with a grain of salt if it gets posted.People are human. They make mistakes. You never here someone save babies and say I was only human. The past is the best way to see how someone will react in the future. I would talk to her. Try and tell her what your having a problem with. If she works with you on it than at least she's showing commitment to the relationship. I'd try to figure out why you guys split up more and make sure you don't go down the same path. It's in your court. If you don't feel it than don't push it but if she's meets you half way on your feelings than see what happens. Just my two cents.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the input but let me clarify some things. We lived together and she wanted me to move out so I didn't break up with her but here is the issue, a few days later she told me we would get back together and then I said ok. But a few weeks later is when she told me what she did so yes we weren't technically together but she knew we weren't over for good. I feel like she just knew I was in her back pocket so she said whatever, part of me is mad and the other part knows I don't wanna live without her so I'm confused and torn.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): Hey, well you didn't say who actually broke up , you two, you or her, if it was her, well hate to say this, she probably new him, that's why she broke up, now she found out he was just after sex, so she new, you would be waiting to take her back, bud she did it once, she do it to you again, sorry, I know it's so hard when you think you love them, ask her how she would feel, if you did it to her, if she said she didn't mean to hurt you, yes she did, she knew it would hurt you, she just didn't care, good luck, I've been there.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 November 2015):
 She never cheated on you! What "forgiving" needs to be done?? If you didn't want her to sleep with another guy, you should have never broken up with her in the first place, and that's that. For all intents and purposes, you were the kid in the playground who tossed his toy aside and went home, and are now pissed that when you came back to the park, another kid had played with the toy you tossed aside.
No, she's a person, not a toy, I know that. But how can you be upset at her when YOU made the decision to leave her?? You put her in that situation. She may have done the "dumping", but really, after 5 years, that didn't warrant a trip to a counselor or therapist, because that's a lot of relationship to just toss.
The way to get through it for you is to not think of it in terms of "resuming" the relationship, because that's over. She did nothing wrong by being with someone else while she was single, but even if she hadn't, you don't treat the relationship as though you're pressing the pause button on a song and resuming it.
You have to create something new. You can't say "We've been together for 5 years". Start over. From scratch. Reboot your relationship, treat each other like you don't know each other and get to know each other all over again. Go to counseling now if you want help in creating something new with each other. That's the way you handle it, because she WAS with someone else, and she is a different person, and so are you.
Don't look at it in terms of "forgive", because she owes you no debt or apology. Look at it in terms of starting something new. A re-dedication. A re-courting. The relationship you had before was immature, and now you come back as older, wiser, newer people. If the chemistry is still there, then give it a try. That's your ticket here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2015): So you want to throw away a 5 year relationship because of a break you both had that led to her having a relationship with someone else.? In the 5 years did she have a relationship with someone else . NO. Yet you want to punish her for something that is non of your business. She was honest about it. Leave it be and find a way to move on from it and heal. Give the relationship another try. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (19 November 2015):
 We could play technical semantics such: since you two were not together it is her right to sleep with whomever therefore you have nothing to forgive. Perhaps, however, we humans always evaluate a person, and that includes their sexual history or sexual conduct. So whether "forgive" is a correct word to be used or not in your situation is less relevant then the point that you are making: she was away and her sexual conduct is unacceptable to you.
Situations like yours do not have a correct answer so that the answer is applicable to everyone. Therefore, you have to make the decision that suits your criteria and completes your soul. If what she did is a deal breaker, then that is correct for you. Some men simply cannot overcome the gut-wrench, regret and images of unacceptable sexual conduct.
Others need more time to see if these deeply moving feelings will go away. Perhaps that maybe you since your discovery of her having sex looks fresh. If so, tell your woman how you feel, that reason cannot wash away that feeling, but perhaps time may, so ask her for time. If she agrees, good and if not, at least your conflicting feelings will not be tested.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2015):
 You got nothing to forgive. You were broken up , and she got on with her life, as it is expectable ,even healthy,that she would do. For all she knew, you might never be getting together ever again, so what was she supposed to do, stay single forever and mourn her loss forever ?!
Than again,that's the rational part but emotions, often, do not obey to reason. So, if you feel you can't shake off you this sense of having been betrayed , you should not get back with her. You'd bring to your relationship resentment and grudges and ill will- and surely this is no way to rebuild a successful relationship.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (19 November 2015):
 i have been in situation similar to yours, many years back dated a girl for months the we broke up. we was apart for months and during that time she gave herself to a guy. yes it hurt, and it still hurts today. but i choose to forgive and accept her, we have been married over 30 years now. the only thing i know is i don't want to live without her. "now she wants to get back together, how do i handle this, if i should forgive her and if really if i can shake the pain i have in my stomach and the thoughts i have." if you get back together with her i suggest you take it very slow,forgiveness is a choice you will have to make if you stay with her. time will not erase the memory , but if you have love in your heart for her you can forgive her. i have been were you have been with a hurt like this. no guy wants the thought of another guy touching the girl that he loves and cares for wither broke up or not. the thing you need to ask yourself is do you want to live with out her in the future, or is she the one you cant live without. she told you the truth did not cover it up, you can be mad, hurt, sad, have feeling of lose these are feelings that come natural to a hurt like that. but you have to make a choice to accept her, and forgive her, or not to accept her and not forgive. if you take it slow give it some time you may see love for her feel in some of the pain you are experiencing . i hope this helps, but you need to ask yourself is she the one you cant live without.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (19 November 2015):
There's nothing to forgive - you weren't together at the time so she did absolutely nothing wrong. It's up to you if you want to give your relationship another chance, but you don't have the right to be mad at her or punish her for something that's quite frankly none of your business.
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