A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a very very sticky situation. I have 2 very close friends. 1 who is male the other is female. Both of the 2 used to date for over 4 years, they had just recently broke up about 9 months ago and I was always very close with the male. He was my best friend for a few years but I recently got close with the female I guess starting after the break up. We All have the same friends, its a big group of us that always hangout, it's just the relationships came up in different times. The female has no idea that her relationship with her boyfriend was a good one but kind of bad on the other hand he would cheat on her constantly. One time specifically I remember her 20th birthday. We would go away for the weekend and he would get with a girl or we would go out for the night and he would disappear with a girl and we were always closer with him so we would never say anything just swept it under the rug. It wasn't even until I got close with the female that I started caring, but I feel terrible at the end of the day, that i know she still does have love for him and she says all the time "I know one day we might be back together" but I know if she ever finds this out it would just kill her and I could not be the one to tell her this. Everyone of our friends know but her so if and when she ever finds out she is probably going to feel so stupid and betrayed by everyone, but what was anyone to do. I don't want to be the one to rat out one of my best friends thats why I'm in what i say a very sticky situation. There are also other girls in our group of friends that she considers her best friends that have done things with her ex that I'm sure she would not appreciate. Its just a twisted mess and I need some guidance. I was thinking of writing an anonymous letter but then I thought no that's too risky. Can anyone out there help me ?
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, her ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2017):
 What is the point in hurting her? They are over now, why break her heart all over again. I know you feel guilty but you done nothing wrong, and bringing it up now is not going to benefit anyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): Well I guess what I gathered from all of this is to just not say anything at this point. Its to far gone. And to answer your questions no, I have no had and sexual relations with him. I have no guilty conscience whatsoever
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2017): I would definitely tell her.
She isn't with him now, so the pain won't be as bad, but it will definitely protect her from entertaining the idea of getting back together with him.
You can explain that you had wanted to tell her earlier, but didn't feel close enough or know how to tell her. I think she would understand that.
In her situation, I would want to be told.
Oh and don't worry about your douchey male friend. If that many people knew he was cheating....then I think he figured he'd get caught anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (6 March 2017):
She doesn't need to know, and she doesn't need to hear it from you.
These things have a habit of coming out, so if the two of them are hanging out in the same group of friends, he should tell her.
You could encourage him to tell her, so she doesn't find out in a worse way; but I imagine he wouldn't be that keen to come clean about his indiscretions!
However, should they look like they are getting back together, she absolutely needs to know the whole story. Again, I say make him tell her, but if he won't, you may have to.
Blissful ignorance is one thing, but a continuing lie of ommission is quite another.
best of luck xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2017):
 I would not have recommended the letter had not the woman actively been talking about getting back with him.
Also, in part it's cowardice that kept people from otherwise spilling about this guy, as well as self-interests. "Shooting the messenger" isn't just a cute saying. I've lost two friends before by warning them about infidelity, only to be "vindicated" by them finally cracking through their fiercely guarded denial to see the truth in front of them. I don't regret doing it, but it DOES hurt, and on one occasion, I was accused of trying to break up my friend from her cheating boyfriend because I "wanted to steal him". That really doesn't feel good.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 March 2017):
 I think you've grown a conscience too late... it comes AFTER her 'best friends' have done things with her ex, when they were together! While this sleazy cheating act was being done behind her back, the group kept silent.
I don't know what type of group does this to another fellow human being in their group? There's something very wrong here that suggests a gang mentally, there's a pact of silence, betrayal and making a fool out of the victim.
To me this doesn't sound like an ordinary bunch of girls hanging out in friendship, because you're all covering each other's back, and supporting each other's wrong doing as a gang does!
Personally I think the answer is; you and her need to get out of this "big group" of slutty deceiving misfits. Your sense of belonging or loyalty to this type of group or a group needs to be reconsidered, more than writing a risky anonymous letter.
Take Care - CAA
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): It's not a great situation to be in. Others on here are accusing you of having selfish reasons for your intentions, but I don't see any reason to think that based on what you have written. Of course, if you are doing this to only save yourself, then do nothing- it will only backfire!The way I see your situation is that things change, friendships being one of the things that change a lot and often. Yes, you turned a blind eye in the past. But who out there hasn't had a friend that has been a bit loose with their morals, to some degree? Things have changed within the group and you consider yourself to be better friends with her, which will make things tough if the truth comes out.Now- I'm not accusing you of anything, but my question makes a huge difference. You say some of the females among your group slept with this guy, knowing he was with someone. Did you? If so, then the problem is even bigger. If you are guilty of anything like that, then be prepared for everything to change. The truth will out, especially with so many in the group knowing the truth.If your conscience is clear, then there's less of a problem. I, personally, wouldn't say anything. If the truth comes out, you can maybe claim ignorance, say that you trusted he was doing the right thing as he was a good friend at the time. As I say, things change, friendships and people change. While it's easy to say these things are in the past, moving on and away from that past is safer. Try to steer her away from him some other way!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): Your good intentions are twinned with a subliminal need to make this other girl look stupid.Having had a bite of the cherry once too often, you and your alpha pack have decided that you really have to let her know that she counts for nothing!Maybe youre just sick of hearing her wittering on about getting back together and as a group mentality you must be all longing to say "Look we all had him! What do you think we got up to on those weekends?Didnt you realise that you were just his cover?Anyway why let a good dick go to waste eh?"Then you could breathe again.Then you could actually laugh aloud if she started on her we-might-get-back-together speech!"Then she would know that she was just a hanger on in your group and her 'relationship' was just something that you all kept ticking because it allowed her fellas fan club the freedom to shag where he wanted!But would it do any good?It would knock her off her pedestal a bit and maybe give her the freedom to move on once she had understood what a bunch of sleazes you were.You could be upfront and say:"You know Dickyboy cheated on you constantly.He never acted like you were in a monogamous relationship!"And spill the beans.But will it destroy her?Will it feel as if its calculated to destroy her?Its almost like saying 'You were never one of us and now your fellas off the scene we all want to tell you why!First he did this, then that.Yep, we all got an orgasm out of him pretty much one way or the other!"But why is it important to enlighten her now?What if she says "oh yeah he told me about all those shinnanigans but it didnt bother me then!"Or if she's very sensitive she might go harikari!So in my opinion its a rubbish thing to do.Much more subtle to get her out and about eyeing up other young studs if thats what your all into!Its friendlier and more fun!You can all move on without a confession.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2017):
 What's the point in telling her now? They broke up, she got rid of the cheating douche canoe...
You didn't tell her AT the time where it might actually have helped her and well, mattered.
ALL you will achieve now is create drama and pain for this woman. Seriously.
If YOU are going to do it, I'd follow YouWish's advice on HOW to do it, but honestly? What's the REAL reason you want to tell her now? Is it to assuage YOUR guilt or to "help" her?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 March 2017):
Unfortunately, you *are* in a sticky situation because before she became your friend, you did conceal and approve of his treatment of her while they were together, or else your anonymous letter would have let her know to get away from him.
However, the anonymous letter *is* a good idea. Please keep in mind, though, that if you do is via email, use an anonymous email address AND a proxy server, or else the IP address will point straight to you (i.e. the IP address and your IP will match and you'll be outted). Also, if you use an anonymous email AND a proxy, check the privacy policy, as some of these so-called "free" sites sell live email addresses to spammers.
If you go the "snail mail" route, TYPE it out on your computer and print it and go to a post office far away from your home and office, or she'll have some good guesses as to who sent it. Also, don't sign it or offer a speck of penmanship, or you're toast. Don't wear hand sanitizer or perfume or moisturizer when you send it either. I identified an anonymous sender for a co-worker some time ago and recognized the "Caesar's Woman" perfume scent on it, and was correct in figuring out who it is. I didn't out her, but I did ask her in private and got it right (along with an anguished earful).
Also, the typos. Murder suspects have been convicted on their typos (see the Chris Coleman murders of 2007), so watch the "Too/to"'s and other things. In your case, the space you put before the punctuation and the fact that everything's one big paragraph would tip me off if I knew you and saw the writing style. So be short, specific, and drop the space. Also, using the numeral (2 instead of two) on any number less than twenty would give you away to an intelligent reader.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2017): Bit late now telling her considering you kept your mouth trap shut for so many while they were actually together and now they're not. Stop trying to alleviate your guilty conscience for your own peace of mind, not hers.
...............................
|
