A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sometimes I feel like I should just tell a man from the very beginning: "I am looking for a purely physical relationship, the kind that begins and ends in your bed, and I don't meet your friends, and we don't share our lives with each other. Or else an exclusive and committed relationship. I'm fully capable of either one." But if reveal that from the beginning, then I give a man all the ammunition he needs to manipulate me however he wants. But what is the alternative? It seems like a man will attempt to manipulate a woman regardless.Men dis-empower women by intentionally blurring lines, leaving them in the dark, creating situations and blaming the woman, when after several months of constant and varied contact, she turns out to not be a psychopathic iceman and - omg! - catches feelings. Really, guys???? At the end of it, he will say to her that the ball had been in her court the whole time. She could have ended it at any point she wanted. In reality, he was doing everything in his power to keep the ball out of her court by confusing her. Throughout it, he is not willing to tell her the truth and set her free to either a) experience other men physically or b) use the time she has left on this earth to look for a man who will value her enough to give her commitment. Why would a man do that when a) she is already giving him the only thing he is absolutely sure he wants from her, and b) it is more convenient to waste her time than to regard her as a human being and treat her with respect.I am in such a situation right now. Going on almost two years. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I've been on both ends of this situation. When I told a guy I don't want a relationship, I never confused the issue by constantly hanging out, having them meet my friends, etc. The condom would stay on, meeting once a week tops - there's no meeting multiple times a week, because both parties are having sex with multiple people. I broke my rule of no taking off the condom without commitment, and I agreed to sexual exclusivity without commitment - with this person.It is frustrating. I am very resentful of being treated like this, because I have never treated anyone like this. Ultimately, these situations never end well, and the person to whom this was done invariably leaves with a bitter, disgusted memory of the perpetrator and ashamed of themselves for having being duped yet again into being vulnerable and open to another scam artist.Any words of advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2017): Geeze, where do I begin? The way I am reading this, you are comming in with a lot of preconcieved notions about males. We come in all types and flavors, just like women. If you approach a relationship expecting a certain type of male, thats what you'll likely end up with.I'm not picking on you but you can see that the other responses all say that you need to work on you first. The feeling I get from your letter/question tells me that you may have had a bad experence or a negitive male encounter, early in your life or upbringing. It has taught you to only expect negitive things from males.You meet a man your intrested in. You let him know that he can ether be your FB or your lover and companion, nothing else. If it was me I would pick FB first. That way I would have no personal or emotional entanglements. I wouldn't have to even take you out. Sounds like a pretty empty relationship to me.It sounds to me that you commited your heart to someone only to have it broken. Thats what happens in real life. Someone else here said to avoid oppisites in personalities. Safe but pretty dull. I wouldn't want to hang out with someone exatly like me. Be adventurous expect to have your heart broken once or twice. But if you learn from your mistakes, you will find your soulmate.The same person said that you need to figure out what you really want in a man. If you work on yourself first, you will find that what you thought you wanted in a man may change.Having said all that, if you are just looking for sex, go for it. Society has long given accolades to men for fucking anything that moves but stigmatized women for having a similar sex drive. If you are horny, go for it and the Victorian critics be damned! But know the difference in getting off and/or having a long term REALITIONSHIP! Don't look for one and expect it to evolve into the other.Finally, I would say just work on yourself. Get a healthy perspective on men. The rest will fall into place.Good luck!
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 March 2017):
 My advice is to make up your mind. *You* broke your rules. *You* chose to stay with someone who is confusing you. *You* chose to take off the condom without commitment. Don't blame men when you have every opportunity to walk away from a situation you don't like or are confused about.Stop your agreement with this guy, as you've crossed your boundaries and shouldn't have. It's not what you started out with.Secondly, stop having sex until you can make up your own mind about whether you want commitment or FWBs.Thirdly, learn that you control yourself. A man can't "set a woman free to sleep with other people" because it's *her* choice. He doesn't own her and she can do what she wants (cheating/lying is obviously not okay, though).You talk like you're giving men all of the power, and in some ways you are, but you still have the last say about whether you do something or not.Stop stereotyping men and acknowledge your part in this, then decide what you want from a man and go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2017): Most good men do want a committed loyal loving relationship and they have feelings too and can be very hurt by a breakup.Make up your mind which is more important to you. An affair with no strings and no commitment?Or a committed loyal exclusive long term relationship.But do not try to offer all options to all men. You should have no trouble easily meeting the some men who do want a no-commitment sexual affair. But if you announce that at the outset you may well be turning off the guys who are seeking a woman who will remain faithful and committed to them and who they can share a life with long term.Try to list the things that are deal breakers for you re a guy.Then try to establish things that you really admire in a man. Everyone is different. But people do have an unspoken list that they hardly think about except when they find themselves interacting with someone who does press all the wrong buttons.Once you establish what you do need and are looking for in a guy then you are far more likely to find him.Once you do find him then discuss early on, before the relationship progresses beyond just a conversation over a meal then it is time to make your standards known. Then stick to your standards.If a guy not being able to manage his finances is a deal breaker with you the avoid the guy who is drowning in debt and cannot make ends meet.If a guy is regularly a slob around the house and picks up nothing from the floor in his home and you are a neatness queen with everything in it's place then break up because you will be at logger heads with each other.If you enjoy planning and looking forward to a date where you have a meal and maybe watch a movie, and his idea of a date is playing computer games while you sit and watch him do so then it is probably a deal breaker.Know what you are looking for then you are far more likely to recognize your goal of such a man in your life when you do meet him
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