A
male
age
36-40,
*harliesdad2012
writes:I am dating someone and have been for 4 or 5 months now. She is having a guy friend stay over, which makes me uncomfortable on a level of respect. I have stayed at another girls place with a previous gf and was told by family that this shouldn't of happened and is disrespectful towards who I was with, I took this as a lesson and has stayed with me. Back to who I'm dating I have told her but she got upset and feels I don't trust her when it's the opposite, I have met this guy twice I have nothing against him it's just a respect thing. Does anyone have any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 June 2018):
 Your follow-up illuminates quite a lot!
She is treating your attention as if you were a no-strings-attached FWB, not an actual, enfleshed relationship.
If she ACTUALLY said that she doesn't care if "things happen" between you and a hypothetical woman who sleeps over at your house, that's a RED FLAG if you were pursuing an exclusive, honest-to-god relationship with her.
It would be at this point that I'd be wondering WHO this guy is to her, whether he's an ex she's trying to make jealous by dating you, or if she is on some rebound, but she is not behaving like someone who is at any way serious about you. She likes your company, but she could take you or leave you.
You might want to have a serious talk with her about your feelings and seriously define WHAT your relationship is. Six months is well time to become exclusive as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The fact that after this seemingly "honeymoon" period and she's defending another guy to sleep over AND telling you to go off and fool around with others is the opposite of that.
I'm afraid that if you're serious about looking for a true partner, she's not it.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 June 2018):
 I really don't understand how this can be a "respect" issue.
Think about it. If she WANTS to screw this guy, she can do so ANY TIME. She doesn't need to have him stopping over at her house. If she had anything to hide, she would not have told you about it and would simply have done it behind your back. The fact she was open about it would indicate - to ME - that she has nothing to hide and this guy is just a friend.
In HER shoes very loud alarm bells would be ringing about YOUR lack of respect for HER and need to control her. Respect is a two-way street.
In YOUR shoes I would perhaps say "That's absolutely fine. Are you ok if I stop over that night as well?" Her reaction to that should tell you everything.
Given that she has said she would be ok with you stopping over with another girl and "something happening", then I suspect she is not viewing your relationship as anything too serious or long term.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): People who don't like to define the type of relationship you have between you; also don't want boundaries, restrictions, or any guidelines. They want the freedom to do as they please; as long as YOU don't do anything that might not suit THEM!
She doesn't want any labels? Do you? Seems she gets to set all the rules about what goes; but not you.
If you can't define what it is you mean to each other; seems like you're chasing your tail. From your description, one could conclude it's an open or very casual-relationship. Maybe polygamous? Where she has two men. Each guy satisfying different needs, and pacifying a tremendous ego.
Do you spend a lot of your money on her?
It's entirely up to you. You may want to overcome some of your passivity. Setting women up on a pedestal and bending to their every wish may keep them around; but you'll be very unhappy and frustrated being played and manipulated in such a way.
If she insists on offering her place as a stop-over for some other guy, in spite of your objections; I'd suggest you grow a pair, and wish them both the best.
Go find a woman who respects your feelings, doesn't need to offer shelter to another guy; and one who wouldn't mind calling herself your girlfriend, and/or you her boyfriend. If that is what you really want. No woman who really wants you doesn't mind if you sleep with other women.
I'm becoming a bit suspicious why you're being so intimidated?
Don't let a woman's beauty (or sex) dictate or stipulate all the ground-rules of a relationship.
Being so rigid and unyielding about his place in her life; says you're not quite that valued, my friend. Appealing to his needs comes before yours.
So it comes down to this. If you want to be with her, he gets to sleep-over nights. Whether you like it or not. Not sure why that's not going to change?
As for me? Tell you what, keep him and do what you like. See ya!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): Devil's advocate: hotels are often expensive. Air BnB should have cheaper ones, but it should be okay if he sleeps in a spare room, surely?
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A
male
reader, charliesdad2012 +, writes (11 June 2018):
charliesdad2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere has been some very good advice which I appreciate. I have had a long discussion at first she couldn't see what the harm was until I mentioned the respectful things I done she then said I've told him he can't stay then she has ass for a while. It seems okay now however odd that she stuck to her guns all day until I said what I did then she changed. Just to add things that people have asked. She is a person who likes to please everyone, she is loose with her boundaries she did say something that concerned me like I could stay at a girls place if I wish to and even said if things happen then so be it. We are dating and have been for about 6 months I personally don't think she likes to label which I think thats her defence from being hurt. If this adds to anything to people's advice the please let me know and thank you to the people who have replied
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): When you start seeing someone exclusively for an extended period of time; that is usually an indication that you are in the preliminary-stages of a long-term and committed-relationship.
There is a caveat!
Sometimes people don't make any changes; if they see you dragging your feet, and they can't figure-out your intentions. So don't set expectations, or make any demands.
Are you an official committed-couple? Will it occur in the near-future, if you're not at this time? Maybe it all depends on you!
To make way for a potential commitment, and in order to become established; you have to set boundaries and guidelines among family, friends, and exes. You should regulate their accessibility by controlling and scheduling the amount of time and effort taken away from nurturing your infant-romance. It is a matter of building trust, showing respect; and it is demonstrative of the fact you want to be exclusive as a couple. Things have to be balanced and well-organized. Not willy-nilly!!! You're adults, not inexperienced kids!
Anyone familiar with my column, knows that I always warn people about observing how chummy their partner is with friends, exes, and ex-spouses. You must not view people through the eyes of immaturity, jealousy, or have a possessive nature. Then it's just a matter of you establishing your hold or control. Then you suck! They should dump you! If you're insecure and have trust-issues, you're nothing but a pain the ass; and a waste of precious time! Nobody has to dance around a grocery-list of your insecurities! Surely, I won't!
If there seems to be too much intimacy and private communications between these people; it's best to keep your distance. Don't allow yourself to get caught-up in a three-way relationship. You will become competitive, insecure, and jealous; while the other person will take the position of reminding you who was there first. Supposedly, you're not just a friend; you're a lover and a serious romantic-interest. Perhaps in-time, even more.
I don't play second-fiddle to anyone. If you have a child or children; I allow you the space a parent deserves. Kids come first, but not always. I don't fight over anybody, and I don't tell other people what to do. I just make a decision if the situation is right for me; no matter how much I like you. If I have to make all the sacrifice, you're not worth it to me.
Here's the method to my madness. I let them know how I feel about certain things while we're dating; during the getting-acquainted process. While you're discussing your likes and dislikes, your favorite things; and your quirks or pet peeves. They decide what they want to do from there. They are given the chance to decide if they see red-flags, or a green-light. I'll try to be totally honest; but you also have to be fair, flexible, and willing to compromise. If you're not reasonable...bye-bye! Don't let the door hit you in the ass!
I listen to their side, and I make necessary adjustments for their sake; and to show my respect and willingness to please them. If they want commitment from me; that requires respect and loyalty. They have to show me we're on the same page about where we're heading. I'm no sucker, nor a fool. Let that be well-understood from the start. I like you, but kissing your ass isn't part of the deal.
If we are only casually dating; I don't expect you to make any special changes for my sake. Just let me know if you plan to see somebody else; or be honest when you don't wish to see each other anymore. Plain and simple.
When there's this overly-involved/ever-present ex, BFF, or ex-spouse (minus children); then it's a matter of competition, and who ranks as a priority in your new partner's life. I don't submit to pecking-orders; or taking a number, and go stand in-line for anybody I'm dating! I'll just go about my happy life, and won't look back. Nor do I let people try to rush me by throwing competition in my face; as some sort of way of letting me know they have options. So do I! I can also do bad all by myself!
If that partner is resistant to making reasonable changes and adjustments to let you know you come first; be sensible, and let her go. Don't stay there trying to tell him or her what they should do. If they insist on spending nights together; why are you trying to get in the middle? Seems she's trying to have her cake and eat it too! Keeping a back-up, just in-case! Unless he's gay? Even then; why doesn't he have his own place to stay? How much is he going to get in the way? Get a life, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend!
Note that I never said I would tell anybody to give anybody up for me. I can rearrange and organize my life to include or accommodate new people and new things. Should I expect any more or less from anybody else?
You are in full-charge of your own life; and you don't have to accept being a third-wheel or tag-along in anybody's life. Explain to the young woman that you have no problem with her having friends, regardless of gender. It makes you uncomfortable for some other single-guy spending nights with her. That just doesn't seem respectful to you as a man; and it doesn't seem she's sure how to set boundaries that could affect your budding-relationship.
First and foremost. Never set your expectations and rules for other people above or higher than you set for yourself.
If you have ex-girlfriends and close lady-friends you hold especially dear; and jump, when they say jump. Don't be a hypocrite. Men tend to set double-standards for women. In this case; what's good for the goose, is good for the gander! Some ex you never got-over, could come back into your life; then you've got to practice what you preach.
Too many ladies write DC who make all sorts of changes for the new guy in her life; only for him to be luke-warm, sending mixed-signals, or have some clingy-ex he never cut ties with. Make sure you've got your ducks in a row; then go have another talk, and let her know how you feel. That should be her last chance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 June 2018):
 Honestly?
I agree with you, this isn't appropriate no matter how "platonic" friends they are.
As for trust... Trust is EARNED - and should be FREELY given, it's not an automatic when dating someone new.
You two have different view on this, it was bound to happen that you two would find things you don't agree on. The thing is where do you go from here?
It seems HER boundaries are very loose - at least when it comes to her. Have you asked her how she would feel if you had a female friend sleep over?
It's not so much about the potential for cheating. I do think it is about respecting your relationship and partner.
I do find it "funny" that she got SO defensive. It almost makes me think that she understands your view point but presume that SHE should be excluded from certain rules and no relationship is going to work if one party thinks they can do whatever and that the other should just "trust" them.
I DO believe that men and women can be friends - PLATONIC friends. I had a large group of male AND female friends and nothing untoward or romantic ever happened there. And yes, I had MALE friends crash at my house after a night out (usually on the couch) and I did hang out a lot with them, one-on-one and in a group. BUT... when I started dating my BF - the "sleep overs" stopped (unless he was sleeping there too) - the one-on-ones usually stopped as well. My BF was very much included in everything my circle of friends did. He still (some 25 years later) still hang out with a couple of them that I don't get to see as I am a World away.
Even if this is just ONE incident, I would honestly re-consider the relationship. Issues that people ignore in the BEGINNING of a relationship are usually what breaks them on down the road.
However, if you feel breaking up is "too much" then have a chat about this. FACE TO FACE, NOT over text or phone. ASK her how she would feel if you did the same. Talk about boundaries. If you two can find a compromise, good and if not... well, it's only bee 4 months of dating so you should be so invested in her that you can't walk away if you feel disrespected.
You are both "old enough" to talk about this without there being hidden accusations or tantrums.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 June 2018):
 Why can't he stay in a hotel? What does she have to say in her defence when you ask her this?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2018):
I agree with you. It's a matter of boundaries and propriety. It is inappropriate for a woman who has a boyfriend to invite another guy to sleep over without it being absolutely okay with her boyfriend.
This guy isn't her brother or stepbrother. There are things that you just don't do as a partnered person that you can do when you're single. I would consider it a dealbreaker if I were with a guy who had a sleepover with another women and when he was confronted by it, he gets defensive or claims that there's something wrong with me (i.e. controlling or jealous). I would immediately break up with him.
You do not deserve to have this happen to you. If she won't listen to reason, then if you do NOT break up with her, she will lose ALL respect for you for being toothless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): I'd dump her then. If you told her you don't like what she's doing, she needs to stop it. If he's a true friend to her he'll understand. Now that she has a boyfriend, she doesn't NEED guy friends to hang out with without you unless it's a group of male-female friends and you just aren't available. Other than that, she's done needing to be alone with any other guy who isn't gay. Let her know this and give her an ultimatum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): So, why does she have to stay with him alone at her place? Why can't you stay over too? Why can't he find a hotel? Too many issues/blurred lines challenging trust nowadays. My rule is never put yourself in the position to betray from the start. I wouldn't like it and it would lead to a rift up to and including termination of the relationship.
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