A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a 7-year relationship. We're both divorced, both have children, but mine are older (hers are 11 and 14). It seems to me that we used to be "closer" and talked about future dreams, things we liked about each other, flirted with each other, etc.Fast forward to now, and I feel like she takes me for granted. While we do hold hands when walking around, end phone conversations with "I love you," give a quick kiss when entering the room, etc., I just have this feeling that all of the "fun" things about us as a couple have been replaced with just "comfortable" things. There is no love in her voice when she says "I love you," the kisses are just quick pecks, the hand-holding seems obligatory. I've tried to talk to her about how this kind of scares me but she gets defensive, as if I'm criticizing her, and accuses me of being "too sappy" or "too emotional" or "needy." So, I've all but quit bringing it up with her and I feel myself becoming more and more detached. It's like why would I have any motivation to be romantic, etc., with someone who doesn't reciprocate or even acknowledge it? I've even started chatting more and more with other women who seem more interested in me (not in a sexual or flirty way, just in a general way where they genuinely seem interested in conversation with me). My biggest struggle with this, besides the obvious feeling of being taken for granted, is that she has a LOT of friendliness and consideration for her friends and family. She treats them all like they're very important and worries about offending them and goes out of her way to make sure she's a good friend. Now I know the "honeymoon phase" doesn't last forever, and I can't change her, and I shouldn't be needy or smother her, etc. I know all of those things. I also know we can't put up the same kind of facade with our intimate relationships like we do with our friendly ones and she should be able to just be herself with me without feeling like she has to worry about my feelings. I guess my question is this: I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking and making a problem out of something that I shouldn't? I mean, if I just let things go I'm sure we'll keep being the same couple but I feel like there is something I'm missing that I wasn't missing the first few years. On the other hand, maybe I'm not being unrealistic and I'm entitled to voice my feelings without being criticized for doing so and I'm entitled to miss the way things used to be with us and ask for some consideration and respect?I've seriously considered ending the relationship because I'm not really happy most of the time anymore, but on the other hand I don't want to just quit when things are not perfectly going my way because I do love her and I really do not want anyone else. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with her, but I'm afraid I will be spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn't love or appreciate me like I deserve - or is that my inner self being a selfish crybaby?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2018): Women don't stop showing emotions or pull away from their men for no reason.
F
If you feel she has done this, then there IS a reason. Women react to how the man is or is not treating her. So, why don't you look at yourself and ask yourself what YOU have done that may have caused her to pull away. You need to ask HER.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): You're scared to get married again. You were fine as long as things were in the honeymoon phase. Now that the relationship has progressed, you are stuck at a dead end because you don't want to move forward. So you're detaching because you're afraid. Pushing your gf away by talking to other women. Better leave her now. Looks like this relationship has expired.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): Sir, I'm a guy! I can see what's going on here.
Seven years and you haven't asked this woman to marry you?
Well, uhm...it might be safe to say that she's comfortable; but not all that thrilled with a guy stuck in neutral. You said you're in a "7-year relationship," not marriage. Well, women start to figure, "man... shit or get off the pot, already!" Excuse all that I've said if I missed the mark and you are a married-couple. Otherwise, I've got a few things to offer you to mull over.
You're watching her grow older, and gravity will start to pull harder on both your faces and body-parts. She knows that you're just putting on a facade of lovey-dovey; so she won't bring up the question of why you haven't considered marrying her, and making it for keeps? You mentioned you're both divorced. So you're clinging to the safeness of knowing you can leave without facing another divorce. How convenient for you! How safe! Maybe a little cowardly! Scared to take a risk, eh?
Dude, how naive do you really think we are here?
You are just "chatting" with other women? Trying to avoid the ladies letting you have it for flirting with other women? That was smooth, but I'm not buying it.
You're not the one feeling under-appreciated, my friend.
Maybe your partner would rather be married to the guy she's growing-old with. Even if she might say no, if you proposed; I think it would mean a lot to her if you did. Since you claim you care so much.
You want to feel more valued? Evaluate how important she is to you, and if she's worth making this permanent. If not, just compose a feasible and amicable breakup speech; so you can become officially-single. Then you can chat and flirt with the ladies to your heart's content! That also gave me a clue you're not a married-couple.
"If you like it then you oughta put a ring on it!"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): I agree with you that you should be able to tell her that you're missing the romance you once shared without being criticised. All of us are in relationships for a reason. We do it because we get something we want or need from it and hopefully enjoy helping to fulfil the other person's needs too. If you want to continue to share an emotional connection with someone you love then I see nothing wrong in that. If that part of the relationship is missing though and she doesn't have any interest in bringing it back, then personally I think I would feel the same as you. My feelings would start to detach. Especially if, when I bared my soul I was insulted and belittled, as she is doing to you. You sound as if you care about her, but it doesn't sound as if she cares about your needs.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 Honestly you need to stop talking to other women until you figure out what it is that you want. I mean you might not be physically cheating but I don't think it will help you talking to other women.
You say you feel like you are being taken for granted, do you show her that you love her? Do you make the effort as much as you want her to?
You both need to either work on it or end things. I assume that her children live with you both, therefore that also adds to the stresses of the relationship.
Do you both go on dates? If not then try and make more time for the both of you. Do you take her out? Go for weekends away?
If you feel you have worked hard and you are not getting anything back then maybe it is time to end the relationship, but start with telling your girlfriend just how fed up you are feeling and that if things don't change you are going to walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): I don't think your being a cry baby . I think you need to feel valued everyone does . So if you can't speak with her leave her letter saying your feeling depressed over this and if it doesn't change then maybe it's time you both reconsider things. As certainly life isn't to be miserable or to feel left out ..
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