A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In March I booked a weekend away for me and my girlfriend, as a gift for her birthday. Now, she knew about it when I booked and apparently wrote it in her diary, the weekend away is next weekend...she's just told me she is now going out that weekend with her friends for the weekend to another city. She completely forgot. I can't get a refund, I am really upset that she forgot it was supposed to be really special. Should I confront her about it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 "I am really upset that she forgot it was supposed to be really special. Should I confront her about it?"
Sounds to me like she didn't confront her.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 August 2013):
 Right. Calling OP . OP, before taking the discussion any further we'd need you to clarify : did you tell your gf that she had doublebooked ? If not, why not ?
I had assumed that the OP had told her gf about the doublebooking, just because I can't very well imagine a conversation going like this :
GF : You know, I'm going to take off for X with some friends next weekend , I think it's going to be lots of fun
OP : ( while thinking : " Oh no ! That's when we were supposed to leave for our special trip ! " ):...........ah.
Not probable, IMO, but, never say never. So,OP, please : how did you find out that she made other plans, did you tell her she picked the wrong date, and how did she react ?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 August 2013):
As far as I can read the OP didn't even tell her gf that she'd double booked herself.
Look, just now (10 minutes ago) my boyfriend called me to say he forgot his dad was in town (lives across the country). His dad had just called to ask if we would meet him, my boyfriend had forgot that he was here this weekend and only remembered once his dad called him. My boyfriend adores his father, admires him, they have a great relationship and he puts his family first, always. Yet he forgot his own dad was in town.
Just saying... If his dad was to get upset and angry each time his son forgot about the trips he made to town (which do indeed cost money, it is a flight of two hours too, besides it's not like he's here that often either), then they'd have a pretty sour relationship.
On the other hand, my dad gets pissed off if I just don't pick up the phone when he calls. People are different. They get offended by different things. My dad even got pissed when he showed up unannounced at my brothers city, and my brother didn't have time to meet him for more than an hour.
Come to think of it, last year my boyfriends brother had invited family over to celebrate his 40th birthday, and people even flew in to celebrate with him. But he forgot, and as we called to ask what time to show up he had already gone to the cinema with his wife... I'd say, in that situation, that the brother should have canceled the cinema and gone home to have the party with guests waiting. But my boyfriends family didn't care, they had a good laugh about it, and we did something else. I was the only one who got offended by being "forgotten".
With a family who's not getting pissed every time someone forgets something "important", well, I guess they don't pay as much attention to remembering as people who get punished by loved ones if they forget (or don't throw away all their plans to spend time with them when they randomly appear). But then again what does that prove? What do you get out of that, is that somehow better?
Sorry, started rambling. But it's funny how my boyfriend just called me and had forgotten about his own father, when we're debating the matter.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2013):
Let's agree to disagree ,Chigirl. Obviously there are several ways to skin a cat and several ways to see any issue - which is good, otherwise DC would get very boring.
But, as for me, it will take eons before I am convinced that " hey that's the way I am " is a valid excuse for everything in any situation. Of course there's people who forget things , also important things ( important to others ,not important to themselves in my theory ). There's also people who pick their noses in public or who cross pedestrian intersections on a red light, - they can't just get away with " I am a nose picker " or " a red light crosser ". My point is simply : don't do it. Don't pick your nose, don't cross on a red light, and if you are sound in mind and body, no special condition, no ADD etc... do not forget trips that you have agreed to join , and arranging which has costed the other person time, thought ,effort and MONEY. Take vitamins,see a neurologist, get hypnotized, pay someone to tell you every night " 40 days to your trip... 39... 38.. " but DO your darnedest best effort not to screw up .
Suppose the OP's gf did her very best but screwed up anyway , ... all she's got to do is to cancel with the other friends and stick to the original plan, right ?. So , all's well that ends well.
Not really, because if the OP has written to us, that means that her gf did not immediately and authomatically had that reaction. She did not say " Oops, my usual scatterbrained head- no prob, I am going to cancel with the other ladies and come with you ". I think if she had done that , the OP would not wonder about confronting her, because there would be nothing to confront her about. I think it means not only the gf forgot, but she forgot and is going to follow the new plan anyway- leaving the OP holding the sack. Or, at the very least , the gf will have to be asked and persuaded ,to stick to the original plan. That strikes me as having little to do with memory, and much with respect and appreciation, or lack of the same .
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 August 2013):
Your point isn't any more valid than mine, because they're both based on the same thing: personal experience. You have personal experience with your own capability to remember, and the experience you have with your son. I have a different experience. Why should yours be more right than mine? Some people are like your son, only care to remember what is actually important to them. But you know just as well as I do that you can't generalize based on what someone else do. People are different. The ability to remember things can be trained, practiced, or it can be down to neurological differences in the brain etc. There can be many explanations, but nevertheless all you can say is that people are different and react differently.. and also will remember different things.
Besides, who's to say that just because this girlfriend doesn't remember the trip away, that she doesn't care about her girlfriend? It could very well be that, yes, she doesn't care about the trip, or the trip wasn't important enough (if we use your theory), but why does not caring about the trip suddenly equal not caring about the girlfriend? That's quite the leap.
The only way in this case to see if the girlfriend cares about her girlfriend or not, is to remind her about the trip, and see if she cancels her plans with her other friends. If she cancels the other plans then it shows she does care about her girlfriend. If she doesn't want to cancel, then that is the only sure way you can tell that the girlfriend is of less importance to her.
I'm just saying, forgetting something doesn't equal not caring. Humans forget, we're imperfect.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2013):
Parents who forget their kids at school ?! ...No, I don't know any. Not that's impossible. I have read , at times , of parents that forgot their babies in the coffee shop of some highway service area , or stuff like that . Once , a guy forgot his baby fastened in the baby seat in a car parked under the sun- and the baby died. I have read it precisely because it is so unusual and so weird that it makes TV and newspapers headlines .
That something actually happens once in a blue moon does not mean that it's normal for it to happen, and least of all that it's OK or acceptable. Of course I am talking of average, healthy, normal people. If one suffers from amnesia or black outs or dementia or Alzheimer... I'll stretch it to depression, to nervous breakdowns,.. yes, they will forget.
If there's no physical or mental illness, or EXCEPTIONAL state of emotional unease, I still think that people do not actually forget- they just don't bother to remember , which is not exactly the same thing.
I am not very Freudian in general, but this one ,psycoanalisis got it right, IMO : what you forget is as important as what you remember, and says things about you in the same way .
My son says he is " forgetful " , his memory is like a sieve , and there's nothing he can do about it . I always find curious that this forgetfulness is displayed just for things that he is not terribly interested in or do not particularly engage him, -like taking out the trash in time for collection, or paying things timely, or submitting papers in time . But, he'll be home punctual like a Swiss clock to watch his favourite TV show. He'll remember word by word the texts of his favourite songs. He had cosmetic surgery some time ago- and not only he did not miss his appointment with the surgeon, but ,after surgery , he was also religiously observant in following doctor's orders taking his antibiotics, applying creams to minimize scarring etc. Apparently , when he is personally invested enough, he CAN remember.
Now, Chigirl, don't get me wrong , I am not saying that your bf does not love you because he forgets things concerning you- again, it's all a matter of SELECTION. For most couples, -unless they are 13 - it is not important to remember and celebrate all the anniversaries and monthlyversaries and all the little things and niceties; it's not that one who remembers to send you flowers for Valentine's day BUT treats you poorly is better than one who forgets flowers and treats you wonderfully.
But, it all depends on WHAT people forget. If he should forget a trip,... a special trip that costs you good money, means a lot to you and that you tookgreat care and pride in organizing... then, no, my humble opinion is that he would not deserve being cut much slack. Same as, in my humble, and stubborn :), opinion, the OP's gf does not deserve ANY. She can remember to go party with her friends after all, doesn't she ?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 August 2013):
Just one more thing... When you know your girlfriend/boyfriend cares about you, you should remind yourself of it whenever they do silly things like this that can hurt you. Of course it hurts to be forgotten about, whether you know they care about you or not. But don't read any further meaning into it when/if there is no secret meaning to it.
If my boyfriend forgot a trip I had booked for us I'd be upset too, sure. It sucks. But I wouldn't take that to mean he doesn't love me/cares about me. Not when I know that at night, he mumbles my name in his sleep, grabs hold of me and hugs me tight saying I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. The following day he remembers none of it, but it shows that I am there, at the back of his mind.. even if they doesn't always remember it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 August 2013):
Cindy, don't tell me you haven't heard of parents who forget to pick their kid up from kinder garden, or school, or football practice. Because I've heard/seen that happen. And it's not because the kids are unimportant/should seek out other parents for that reason.
People get occupied, and they forget. Yes, they'd forget to show up for Christmas dinner too I am sure, if it wasn't for them being constantly reminded every single minute up to that day/dinner. Which they are.
I used to remember EVERYTHING. Recently I started to forget very important things. Not because I don't care for it, I do, but because it just slipped my mind. People forget. It could be a lack of vitamins even. Or it could be something serious. It could be early Alzheimer, but it could also be just being aloof.
We've had our computer at the shop for 16 years now. It wasn't supposed to stay that long, but we forgot to pick it up, and by the time we remembered it was already years later. We didn't have any other computers in the house, so it wasn't like it wasn't missed.
If you're someone who always remembers it is very hard to imagine how others can NOT remember. But that's not to say they deliberately do not want to remember. People are different, and I think that unless you've forgotten something important yourself, you find it very hard to accept that others do. Humans have a hard time imagining that others aren't the same way they are.
I think if the girlfriend is showing other ways that she cares, the OP shouldn't take this to mean she doesn't care.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2013):
@ Chigirl, not to be contentious, and no disrespect meant to you or your relationship, but, naaah, I don't buy it.
People , unless they have some health problem, like a rampant , savage ADHD, ... remembers what they put their energy/ attention on, and they put it easily and naturally into what MATTERS to them. You may be forgetful, but I bet you don't forget to pick up your paycheck on payday - or to show up at work after a vacation. You don't forget to show up at Xmas dinner with your family. You don't forget to feed your cat or dog and find it dead of starvation. You don't have kids, but I guarantee that if you had one, you'd remember his/her birthday, - with no reminders.
Memory is selective by nature, - it's only a matter of where we make the cut at, what we choose to include in our selection. Some people can be more inclusive and remember what matters most to them AND also lots of other less interesting, more mundane details ( Great Aunt Mary's birthday, or "time to pick up the laundry ", or " we are running out of toothpaste " ) - some people have less " storage space " and will only save in their memenory the really big deals, the stuff they really care about. But, all in all, if it matters, they'll remember.
So, for this gf a special romantic trip kindly organized and offered by a caring bf, is not deal big enough to remember it,.. even after several promptings.... uhm. I don't buy it. But if I'd buy it , well, that says a lot about what really matters to her....
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (31 August 2013):
If she's forgetful in general then why is it so hard to believe that she could forget this too? Forgetful people don't benefit from being reminded... if they are reminded of something they remember is just as you remind them, but an hour later it is forgotten again. If they were to actually remember it you wouldn't have had to remind them at all.
So, even if you reminded her often, if she's a forgetful person then she's going to forget about it, no matter how often you remind her. I think on the contrary, the more you remind her the less she feels responsible for remembering it herself, as she can always rely on you to remember it for her. So she doesn't bother to try and remember. Stop reminding her, and let her end up with double bookings often enough, and she'll start to write down her agreed plans.
Yes, you should remind her again. Don't take offense, she just sounds like she's irresponsible, but that's on her part and not an insult to you really. Remind her, she will cancel the plans with her friends, and then DROP IT. Go and have fun as planned. The trip will still be special, don't sour it by being in a bad mood. Her being forgetful doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.
I have a VERY forgetful boyfriend too, and I have gotten the same response that others here are telling you. The sort of "if they don't remember the plans with you it must mean you aren't important enough". You know what? That is true only of those who DO in fact remember things. If she remembers everything else and is spot on time with all other plans... then yes, maybe this means she doesn't care much for you. But if so, you would have seen other signs too of her backing out of the relationship.
The other option is actually far more realistic: she is a forgetful person who doesn't mean any harm by it, loves you to bits, but is very aloof.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (31 August 2013):
If she has been reminded once a month, plus last week too, - and the trip was to go and see her favourite band !- she can't just have " forgotten ", unless she has some severe mental disability. She uses this excuse as a passive - aggressive way excuse to get out of the trip with you in favour of something that sounds more exciting to her , - or, at most ( but that's not better ) she really forgot , even with all the reminders , because whatever concernes you occupies a very little space in her mind and consciousness.
Take the trip with some friend, and use the time to think if you really should stay with someone who seems like she does not much want to be bothered with you.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Has she cancelled her other plans now? If not then I would take that as an indication of how much she cares about your feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies so far...
I reminded her at least once a month and then again last week that we were going.
Her birthday was in April, so she has already celebrated plenty enough with everyone else, this was just a special getaway for me and her I planned as a present for her birthday (we're going to see her favourite band play).
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (30 August 2013):
Did you actually remind her recently? Because if you booked it in March, and haven't talked about it since, and you get angry with her because you expected her to remember without being reminded, that is passive aggressive behaviour on your part.
If you told her and she hasn't offered to change her plans with her other friends, then she's the one who's inconsiderate and insensitive and you should ask yourself if that's the kind of person you actually want in your life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 if she forgot and you reminded her she should have cancelled her plans with the friends as this came first.
if she won't and you can't get your money back... either go alone or with someone else.
and let her know it bothers you, hurts you, upsets you, makes you wonder where the relationship is going or whatever it is...
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 August 2013):
 If'n I were you, I'd conclude that this was adequate grounds to dump this "friend"......
Good luck on your trip...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 August 2013):
 Wow, I would invite someone else (not a chick though, unless it's your mom/sister) and still go.
She might have forgotten but when you reminded her she should have cancelled whatever other plans she made. Because SHE was told about this a long time ago.
It might give you a nice week-end to think things over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I think it was very inconsiderate of her, and very generous of you.
Maybe she is too unreliable to have gone so far out for her.
It's hard to tell someone not to be so nice. She would prefer spending a night out celebrating with you and her friends. Maybe she has simpler tastes.
So that the money isn't wasted, you might take the holiday as a personal getaway to calm you down. Invite your mom, sister, or a favorite cousin.
You can always reschedule trips due to emergencies. I know you're disappointed. It wouldn't be fun; if it wasn't what she wanted to do.
Please don't start a fight over her birthday. She was totally irresponsible. You can't fault her for wanting to party with her friends. It's not about you. It was about her, right?
Even if it's not refundable, it might be rescheduled for the following weekend; or another date.
Next time you might not want to schedule trips that have limited refund policies, or can't be rescheduled. You can also book it to be open-dated, to allow the recipient to choose a date.
Since it's a gift, you can't expect her to reimburse you.
So bite the bullet on this one. I have a feeling this is going to put a big kink in your relationship. Try not to fight on her birthday.
I hope you'll just make the best of it. Just work something out by rescheduling the trip. It's still a birthday gift, to be appreciated on a later date.
Keep the peace, sweetie!
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A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (30 August 2013):
Confront her, and dump her, she has zero respect for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): Ah yes you sud e maaaad girl, infact why dont you "forget"you av a girlfriend for a while she how she liked it. Dont be taken for granted it'll crush you. Take a step back if she dosent come runnin, forget her and find someone who deserves you.good luck xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): Yes!!! That's awful, I'd be telling her where to go!! X
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